STATE FAIR QUIK-QUIPS

"Well Rajive, Whad'ya think. Another year, another fair, and not one single patron again...Maybe folks don't like a ride called "Allah's One Way Slingshot to death!?"...Let's Pack it up."

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!..URG, UKK,GRRRK, ...OOOOOGROOOOK, GURGLE, GLKBRGRG, SPLATTER...SHIT!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"Hey!...Hey!...Hey, White Girl, y'all know where we can score some good shit?!! The Kin' that makes you see pretty colors, 'n flashing lights, 'n feel dizzy? Ya know like we feel right now only it rots out yo' brain an' ya' die!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"...Yep! When I was young, there wasn't any of this fliberty-jibbet crap at the fair, we just all ran around naked in the mud and passed out from heat stroke...that was a FAIR!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: SEPTEMBER 1,2008: GIRL KILLED IN FIRE AT FAIR

SMALL GIRL KILLED IN

FIRE AT FAIR

A terrible case of Mistaken identity left a small girl dead on the final day of the fair today. Little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen of Hinckley Minnesota was minding her own business and resting near a fire hydrant, when all of a sudden Three men dressed as whitetail deer started running down Dan Patch Ave, the sight amazed little Gretchen amongst other fair goers especially when A carnival midget from Royal American shows named Deiter Heinzworper, ran out from behind a root beer barrel with a can of gas and threw it all over the deer-men. Deiter then pulled a bow and arrow outfit from a small case, lit an arrow and fired the flaming arrow at the men hitting one, and setting all three on fire. Squealing with glee, Dieter started dancing in a circle and singing "Muss E Den" (wooden heart polka), and tearing his hair out. Three teenagers came along, shoved Deiter to the ground, bound him with duct tape and urinated on him, before kicking him like a ball into an alley and leaving him in the sun.

At the same time, the deer-men were now engulfed in flames, running aimlessly in the street, when a large colored man said "I knows 'da way to the Kingdom of God! Follows me an' I will take you d'ere!" and vanished into the crowd, offering no help to the situation.

A woman screamed that the deer-men were molesters and headed for the children's lost and found, hearing that five members of the "United Brides of Christ" raced over and tackled the deer, unfortunately catching all of them on fire as well. The Eight flaming bodies were all racing around Dan Patch avenue, when the state fair police arrived and ran for the fire hose, located near the recently destroyed "Ye Olde Mill" attraction. "Hook it up to that yellow Hydrant" screamed one policeman. Another daft idiot volunteer policeman with the brains of a squirrel raced over and grabbed little Gretchen by mistake and wrenched her head off, forced the fire hose over her neck and then started clubbing her with a fire hydrant wrench. The daft policeman missed one of his swings and hit himself in the scrotum, causing him to double over, smack his head on the real fire hydrant which killed him instantly.

By the time, the policeman got the hydrant functioning correctly, the flaming folks were all burned to death on the ground and were being eaten by a large pack of hungry dogs that had somehow entered the fair grounds.

A man raced over to the body of little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen, and quickly reunited her head with her body, and artfully stitched her head back on, unfortunately backwards. Little Gretchen was revived and was quickly tested for agility by kicking a midget that was found in a nearby alley, in the crotch. Little Gretchin, was given the all-okay, except the head being facing the wrong way, and will be returning to the fair as part of the side show next year. The midget hemorrhaged and died on the scene.

See what you missed at the fair today!

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: AUGUST 31,2008: CRAZED TV ICON KILLS AT FAIR

CRAZED CLOWN KILLS COUNTLESS NUMBER AT FAIRIn what appeared to be a stupid idea from the beginning, at least 39 people lost their lives to a moron whom they decided to trust. Local Saint Paul Idiot, Gerry Quineloundrst a.k.a. "T.N.Tatters " (stand in for Daryl Laub) from the 1960s children's Early Morning Television show, put on what would be his last performance. On a dare from some Homeboy clowns from Saint Paul, Quineloundrst bet that he could ride the "Ye Old Mill's" water wheel down the street all the way to the Midway. As usual for most TV clowns, Quineloundrst was stinking drunk, when he decided that dynamiting the wheel from the attraction was a good idea, even more thoughtless was that he did it while the attraction was in use at high volume. Killed in the explosion were ride operator Jimmy Scratchamyass, of Belle Plaine, MN and his friend Stewie Rattbottom, of Montgomery, Minnesota, both who happened to be sitting right on top of the wheel as it blasted free from it's moorings. Drunk Quineloundrst jumped from the roof of the attraction and landed on top of the wheel as it started rolling down the street, Screaming "Look at Me! I am a Hero!"Worship me!!" Instead hundreds of people started throwing garbage at the has-been clown and someone threw a cup of vomit, which hit Quineloundrst square in the face. Sputtering like a drown rat, Quineloundrst lost control of the giant wheel and started flailing about wildly. Seconds later he was clotheslined by an overhead power line which knocked him off the wheel and left him dangling high above the pavement. The wheel, now clownless raced down Carnes Avenue and directly into the Midway, Crashing into The "Dragon Wagon" Attraction and exploding into flames. Hot Grease from a Pronto pup stand, crushed en route, fed the flames as a swath of fire cut through the Midway burning and scolding all in it's path. "I saw dis' guys Afro go up in flames like a ball o' fire! Hilarious!" said a local man from White Bear, MN. " I ran over to him and helped him out of the street, an' over to a Tom Thumb donut stand...where I plunged his head into da' deep fryer and 'da whole cart went up! YEAH!!" The White Bear man then ran down the street pushing other people into hot grease from other vendors, before slipping on an elephant ear and splitting his skull open.

As the Mighty Midway began turning into a blazing inferno, two small boys ran and grabbed a hose from a nearby attraction and sprayed the flames, unfortunately the hose was a fuel line rather than water and a huge wall of fire engulfed the North side of the Midway and was quickly spreading to Heritage Square. Two Knights of Columbus members in full parade dress pulled out there swords and cut two large holes into some lemonade tanks and let the sour drink pour into the midway helping to dowse the flames. The decision had to be made as to whether their efforts should be focused on the Midway or the now burning Heritage square, an easy decision however, so the large doors to Heritage square were bolted closed and it was left to burn. It is unknown how many fair goers were trapped inside when the doors were closed, but one of the Knight s said, "Who Cares...What the hell were they doing in their in the first place...I mean come on...Heritage Square? Why the hell would you waste your time?...They deserved to die!". Moments later the other Knight of Columbus member tripped and skewered the Knight through the chest and he dropped dead on the spot.

Within 45 minutes the disaster was under control, with the exception of the burning Heritage Square. A crowd had formed and located Quineloundrst and tied him up, toted him onto a stage in Adventure park and in front of all was forced to feed himself fresh from the deep fryer corndogs, that were dipped in lighter fluid and lit on fire. Quineloundrst head soon caught fire, and the flames quickly covered his body, both inside and out. The burning clown was shoved off the stage into the crowd, where his flaming corpse was loaded into the Bungee Launcher and shot into the sky.

Quineloundrst body was later located in the backyard of Mrs. Ida Krackinski of Falcon Heights, being used as a windsock/Scarecrow in her garden of thorns.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Shit! How the Hell am I gonna take a squat behind that with any privacy!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"...Well, Apparently your teacher was LYING when she said that you were THAT GOOD!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: AUGUST 30, 2008: 7 MISCREANTS DIE AT FAIR

7 PERISH IN FREAK FIRE
AT FAIR

"It was as quick as that!" said Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer from New Ulm, Minnesota. "One minute they were their and the next...nothing but smelly charred ash!" So is the account of 7 delinquent children at the fair's demise this year. Apparently a group of truant children decided that today was a good day to skip school and attend the Minnesota state fair...they chose poorly. Desiree and Wanda Wonderkindiddle and 5 other children from Le Seuer Minnesota were having a wonderful day at the fair, eating , drinking, playing doing all the things one does at a frolicking fair. Except they were supposed to be in school. The Wonderkindiddle sisters Desiree, 19 and Wanda, 17 were heard ahead of time saying "F--K School! I is the Smotest Girl in the World! and We is smot' Enuf an' don' need no mo' skoolin'...we cum to the fair fo' som' fun!" The two older sisters brought along their 5 younger siblings, Jimmie, Jackie, Jerome, John and Throgmorten, to show them what was beyond the school room walls. All were having a great time, and decided that they would stop for a break in the shade. While taking a breather outside the hippodrome in some large bails of hay, one child yelled "Look All, comfy beds jus' like the ones we have at home! and all the kids climbed into the hay bales for a quick play and nap. What they had not realized, was that they hay bails they had chosen had been recently used as barriers in the "Minnesota Monster truck and drag race exposition", and had been recently soaked in gasoline from "Truckzilla's" unfortunate demise during that prior event. "It was amazing!" said a toothless degenerate passing by the scene "Even I could smell 'da fumes from dose bails a hay...and I ain't had a bath in 5 weeks and really stink!" However Wanda decided that this was a good time for a smoke and lit up her lucky strike cigarette. She then called over to one of the boys "Hey Jimmie...Ever seen a match burn twice?" and threw the lit match at the boy. "That was all she wrote! said Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer "That pile o hay became a fortress o' flames and a really quick crematorium for those yung'uns!" I laughed like hell...even though it wasn't all that funny!" I guess that bitch who claimed she was the smartest girl in the world, wasn't smart enough to read the sign right above her head. Ha! stupid Bitch!" Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer , then went into a choking fit, brought up her lunch, and died of a stroke with a huge smile on her face. The state fair police quickly arrived at the scene, hoisted up Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer , and drug her into the sun. They hung a sign around her neck reading "I died laughing at the fair!"and then disbanded leaving the corpse to rot.

See what you missed at the fair today.

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 29, 2008: GIANT MONKEY KILLS 3 AT FAIR

GIANT MONKEY KILLS 6 AT MINNESOTA STATE FAIRIn a bizarre turn of events, three people were killed today at the Minnesota state fair. It all started when little Julie Gragofnik of Isanti, Mn. asked her father for a snow cone. "Snow Cone? I'm not paying f--king $1.75 for some ice chips with kool-aid poured on it!" retorted her father, Gerry Gragofnik, "Here eat this pocket lint instead!" . This upset Julie, who burst into tears. Her father handed her a crushed paper cup from the ground saying "Don't let those tears go to waste, cry into this cup and drink them later!". Little Julie shouted "I hate you! I never want to see you again! I hope you get your head ripped off on the Scrambler!, and with that, disappeared into the crowd. "You'll be back you little BITCH", shouted her father into the crowd of passing fair goers. Gerry Gragofnik, then stumbled over to the beer garten and ordered a Monster size "Drunk in a bucket" beer. Within a bout 3 minutes a large Monkey swooped down from the ceiling and landed on Gerry Gragofnik's back. "What the Fu...?!" cried Gragofnik. The large plush monkey started screaming and punching Gerry in the kidneys, causing him to spit up blood over some nearby on-lookers! One of the on lookers picked up a pipe off the ground and walloped Gerry in the head repeatedly. Gerry cried "You f--ing Moron, can't you see I am being attacked by a Giant Ape! HELP ME!". Gragofnik stumbled into the street as the monkey started ripping out large hanks of hair from Gerry's head. A woman approached Gerry to aid him, when out of the crowd another Giant plush monkey appeared, with several other living plush toys close behind. All of the toys attacked Gragofnik simultaneously. The woman tried to tear the creatures off of Gragofnik, but as she did, A man dressed as a Comanche Indian raced into the crowd screaming and weilding a rubber tomahawk. The Comanche, hit the woman repeatedly in the head with the tomahawk until she passed out where upon he did a war dance on her unconscious body, stomping her to death. The Indian man then raced into the crowd, where somewhere he was shanked in the stomach with a large piece of window glass and dropped dead.

Gragofnik, now a tumbling ball of multicolored plush fur, beer and blood, rolled down Nelson street and on to Carnes Ave, where a group of "Effeminate Farmers for Jesus (EFJ)" were staging a rally by the Giant Slide. Several of the EFJ members were drawing attention from the crowd, by having a group of volunteer members slide down the giant slide while standing up and singing "Nearer my God to thee". At the first bump in the slide, all 4 members of the EFJ were hurled into the air, 2 landed on Gregofnik, 1 landed at the base of the slide, splitting his head open on the cement and was killed immediately, and the fourth member landed on a small child going down the slide, and was arrested for molestation charges at the exit to the attraction.

As Gragofnik continued to struggle with the vicious plush toys and EFJ members, they managed to roll into the DNR pavilion where an exhibit of the real Minnesota Timber wolves mascots were being displayed. The hungry Canines smelled the blood and beer, broke free of the handlers and ripped into the rolling ball of detritus. Within seconds all had been vanquished and the remains of the EFJ and Gragofnik were roped off, and a crew of statefair police rounded up and bagged the body parts, and placed them in the sun, near by to, but not in, a state fair dumpster.

Little Julie Gragofnik, was later found in the midway, by herself with a snow cone purchased by a friends mother. She threw it in the mud moments later claiming "this tastes like sh-t!", and commenced eating pocket lint.

See what you missed at the fair today.

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Hey Everyone, Let me show you my new Satyr Tattoo! What the Hell???! These aren't my pants!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Hey Everyone...Look at ME...No, Look at MEEEE!, MEEE. Look, Look, I can touch the inside of my brain through my Nose!...Look! Look! Hey...LOOK!..."

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 28, 2008

GIANT APPLE HEAD TROLL DOLL TERRORIZES MINNESOTA STATE FAIR PATRONS 3 DEAD

In a truly Bizarre set of circumstances, a large apple head troll doll came to life at the Minnesota State fair today wreaking havoc on the patrons. It all started when two boys, Shawn Mybutstinx and Billy Skiba, both of Moundsview, Minnesota . Were checking out the local art in the Fine Arts building. "I can piss on a towel and drag it across the floor and make a better painting than that" said Mybutstinx, commenting on a large artwork by local artist Liz Kicinkrotch, of Evelith, MN. Skiba said "I'll do a better one right here and now! shouted Skiba, and promptly pulled down his pants , made stool, danced in it and blew his nose over the creation. Mybutstinx, then urinated on the floor over the mess. "F---ker! shouted Skiba at Mybutstinx, now you've wrecked it! and Skiba shoved the other boy who bumped into a large standing display of an Apple head Troll doll depicting typical dress of Trolls in 1858. The boys heard something, and looked up, as the troll doll started to move. "JESUS!" screamed Mybutstinx, and the troll made a loud growl and lunged forward. "Who defiles my home? shouted the troll. With that Mybutstinx evacuated his bowels, and fell back into it. The troll picked up the soiled boy and shook him violently, before tossing his body across the room and through the "Good Garden insects" display releasing thousands of Black backed Hornets. The whole building became a sea of screaming fair goers. "Save the paintings, Save the paintings! shouted a Pakistani woman in the crowd, moments before she was crushed by a large statue of Al Frankin made of dried mucus.

The Apple head doll then took flight in the building , soaring over patrons heads and dropping rotten meat from under it's cloak. An Scottish man in a kilt and dressed like a highwayman leaped up and tackled the troll, bringing it to the ground. "I know what ye' fears! cried the Irish man" and rammed a bag pipe extension into the trolls chest and blew on the pipes. "The noise was excruciating!" commented Wanda Jefferson, "My Chil' make dat noise if I don' feed him crack fo' a few days!"

As the Scottish man and trolled tussled, the state fair police arrived with large clubs and boards with nails protruding from it. One policeman had a sock full of pennies.

As the tussle continued, The troll appeared to be being defeated until he reached under the Scottish man's kilt and tore off his scrotum. "AHHHHHHEEEE! Me Family Jewels!" screamed the Scottish man, who in his pain grabbed one of the police man with a plank in his hand and swatted the Apple head doll repeatedly with both the policeman and weapon simultaneously. The Troll was showing no sign of tire in the tussle.

Moments later a man dressed as Robin Hood from the nearby "Robin Hood Flour" booth, arrived on the back3 of 3 midgets. Laughing hysterically the garbed man set an arrow aflame and fires it into the head of the apple troll., followed by two more flaming arrows. The troll stood upright and screamed and it's head exploded into millions of scolding hot apple fragments, covering the midgets and with molten apple. Two midgets dropped dead, and the third went screaming into a display of "Minnesota Goose Down Products", where he was covered with feathers and continued running and fleeing the building.

The apple troll was staggering aimlessly around the building , when, 4 year old Billy Frongstring of Wyoming, MN took out a butane lighter walked up to troll and set it on fire. Squealing with Glee the boy raced around the flaming troll and started throwing gas on it. In a blinding flash of flame both the troll, and Robin Hood Vaporized. Little Billy was hurled through the air and was later located on top of the Space needle.

The state fair police started the usual crowd control procedure, and finding no corpses or bodies from the event, clubbed a St. Louis park teenage boy and drug him into the sun.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Dude! I really gotta take a leak! Can you see anyone taking a nap, resting or passed out in the sun?, I don't wanna waste it!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Oh CRAP! ...Another rider with a weak stomach...and bowels to match!

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 27, 2008

WOMAN MAULED BY HAWK MASCOTIn a shocking display of civil obedience today, A local Olivia, Minnesota Woman was attacked by a normally calm bird. Ms. Anna Bifkinglutch of Olivia , Minnesota was enjoying what seemed to be a peaceful day at the fair. She had just started consuming her Teriyaki Ostrich on a stick Kabob, when a large hawk settled next to her. Bifkinglutch had often thought that she had the ability to communicate with birds, animals, insects and certain types of fungus, and stared directly into the bird’s eyes and started making clucking , screeching and chirping noises. Within seconds the Hawk sprang forward and plucked out Bifkinglutch left eye, and swallowed it. Bifkinglutch screamed and started flailing around wildly, which angered the hawk and it immediately snatched out her remaining eye and flung it into a gathering crowd of onlookers. The eye landed in the “Slush Puppy” of little Tang Wong Toi, who screamed with delight and gobbled up the second eye.

Bifkinglutch began spinning in circles screaming “I can see Mars! I can see Venus!”, when in all actuality all she could not see anything. As she stumbled into the crowd, a teenage boy, high on dope, pushed her away and cried, “I am not your f---king glazed doughnut!” As Bifkinglutch fell against another fairgoer they in turned pushed her back away. Within moments a circle had formed around Bifkinglutch, and all the spectators were shoving her from one side to another, faster and faster. “Make her cry!” shouted a Mexican girl in the crowd “Make her cry like a baby! C’mon Bitch, Cry!” Unexpectedly a large Mexican man grabbed the Mexican girl, unsheathed his machete and cut her head off with one chop. As the crowd cheered, he flung the gaping mouthed head into the ring of people where it rolled right to the feet of Bifkinglutch. After kicking the severed head repeatedly, Bifkinglutch picked it up, gouged out the eyes and forced them into her own eye sockets. “I feel pretty…Oh, so Pretty…I feel pretty, witty and Gay!” sang Bifkinglutch, who continued to stumble as the crowd parted to make way for her exit. As Bifkinglutch wandered aimlessly down Liggett Street, the hawk came from behind, screeched and tore off her left ear. After a loud shriek, Bifkinglutch calmly chanted “I must suffer for my craft…glurble, bicoklic, gnuding, cratcicknik” .The last a Bifkinglutch part of what she had said seemed to sooth the hawk, now perched on her head, and the two wobbled about down the street. A small child walked up to Bifkinglutch and offered her some cotton candy, Bifkinglutch replied “I am an apron”, after which the hawk tore off her other ear and flew away. A local crew of street janitors guided Bifkinglutch towards the first aid station and accidentally dropped her down an open manhole immediately prior to her entering the building. All janitors fled in separate directions.

Meanwhile the crowd had dispersed from the sight of the occurrence, leaving behind only body part fragments and the headless corpse of a Mexican girl. The State fair police arrived, studied the scene, kicked the lifeless body around for a few minutes, then wrapped the body up in black plastic and drug it into the sun, behind the WCCO broadcasting booth “That ought’a smell real nice in a couple of hours” said one State Fair police officer.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"JEEZZUSS, Cynthia, How many times have I tol' you not to eat things you've found in the dirt...That's why we bring Michael along!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"So I Says to the guy, I says...the real union soldiers had uniforms made of Wool...WE should have uniforms made of wool! Christ! I must'a been Stoned at the time!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: AUGUST 26,2008: ROBOT GOES HAYWIRE KILLS 7 FAIRGOERS

ROBOT GOES BERSERK, KILLS 7 AT

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR

"It happened so quickly, all I could see were bodies being hurled through the air" cried Juanita Gonzaga-Sanchez of Montevideo, Minnesota. Which is what many others would have said...if they weren't DEAD!

What was turning out to be a normal peaceful day at the fair, the first of this season in fact, was soon to fall in line with all the other days of tragic loss over the past week. This time occurring right outside the 4-H building of the Minnesota State Fair. Little Dickie Locknsphrotzkin, of Fridley Minnesota was demonstrating his entry in the science and technology exhibition of the 4-h club, when something went awry. Locknsphrotzkin had built a robot he had ordered from the back of a comic book, however had made significant changes and alterations in the design and function. "The cheap-ass robot in the comic did nothing when it arrived" said Locknsphrotzkin, "so I made a few changes." It was later found that some of those changes included powering the robot with grade A plutonium, adding a human brain from a friend at school, and substituting hydraulic fluid with Hydrochloric Acid. "It was going to be the greatest Robot in the world." said Locknsphrotzkin.

To the best of any one's knowledge, the turn of the events were as follows. Locknsphrotzkin brought the robot outside in order to demonstrate how agile and "smart" it was. As Locknsphrotzkin played with his remote control box the robot started greeting fair goers in the crowd, when all of a sudden a small girl with an extremely bad haircut approached the robot and said "Gimme' Five , Asshole!" and held out her hand. The robot responded by slapping the girls hand so hard that it ripped from the socket and went sailing into the Mexican Village , at which point it was ripped to shreds and eaten by a starving dog chained up behind the "Tacorito on a stick" booth. The girl shrieked in pain and released a string of obscenities at the robot, which responded by slapping the girl so hard that her entire body sailed through the air and landed in the front lawn of the haunted mansion where several teenage boys on crack, thought she was a real zombie and beat her to death with socks full of pennies they had on their persons.

The crowd around the robot had become hysterical with laughter, believing that this was a show. A man lusting for attention, pushed his son into the robot yelling "Kick Him! Kick Him!", however the robot responded rather than the boy and the mechanical nightmare kicked the small boy all the way into the Midway, where he landed directly into a boiling vat of grease from the Indian Tacos & Fry bread stand. The vendors removed the boy from the vat within about three minutes and started serving pieces of him on a bun claiming it to be pork.

Apparently the crowd around the robot wised up and realized that the robot was out of control, and 5 men charged the robot to bring it down to the ground. However the robot was to large and all the men succeeding in accomplishing was providing more fodder for the robots blood lust. The robot picked up three of the men and wrapped their limbs all together and then crushed them into a small ball, laughing maniacally while accomplishing the amazing feat. The robot then hurled the ball against the side of a Vending trailer which splattered all around with fragments of humanity. One small girl near the trailer had a severed ruptured stomach land over her head, she ran screaming wildly and uncontrollably in circles until a State Fair Police officer struck her in the head with a knight stick, knocking her out cold. He then drug her into the sun, where the stomach started to sear to her head. A young boy scout nearby quickly ran up to the small girl and tore the stomach off of her head, along with most of her hair and scalp. He then ran off whooping like a Hollywood Indian and was immediately struck by a car and killed.

The Angry crowd all raced over to Locknsphrotzkin and grabbed the control box, and forced Locknsphrotzkin to eat it. They then hurled Locknsphrotzkin into the robots arms whereupon the robot laughed and threw Locknsphrotzkin to the ground and started stamping on him. Locknsphrotzkin screamed "no Jimmy, No...it's me Dickie, ... but the robot stomped all the harder. The robot then vocalized for the first time "You F---king bastard! You cracked my head open and put my brain into this piece of crap! Whereupon the robot picked up Locknsphrotzkin , spun him over his head and flung Locknsphrotzkin into the local street performers group of "Mimes for Satan". The Mimes took turns ripping Locknsphrotzkin apart and tossing scraps into the crowd. Losing himself to the feverish pitch of the event, one Mime ran up to the robot climbed up his back and managed to tear it's head off. The Mime hurled the head into the crowd where they all started tossing it from one to another like a beach ball at a rock concert. The robot started spraying acid all over the nearby fair goers. "It was like a golden shower of needles and pretty colors" said a young goth teen, who then passed out , vomited and drown in his own sick.

Eventually the robot crumpled to the ground amongst 30 or so severely burned fair goers. A local overweight man passed by the scene while consuming a Dogzilla Corn Dog, staring and muttering " I voted for Nixon, I voted for Nixon", and continued down Carnes avenue, where he stepped off the sidewalk incorrectly and crumpled onto the hot asphalt and died of a stroke.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"Oh Sure...I Could Wear this...if I wanted to look like a WHORE! Thanks for the help...BITCH!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"JEEESUS KEEE-RISTE! What the Hell did they Feed You today??!!!"

BLOG DISCLAIMER

Disclaimer: The information on this sight is in no way sanctioned or in partnership or connection with the actual Minnesota State fair. The information on this site is fictional and any names characters and incidents are of no existence and and purely in the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever bearing the same name, names or likenesses. All photos have been legally used from the Minnesota State fair and other public domain websites. Photos portrayed on this website, although used from other sights, have no actual bearing to how the photo may have been used, displayed, or portrayed in actuality. This site is completely fictitious and is the creation of the author.

PLEASE NOTE:
THIS SITE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY AND WILL BE CONSIDERED DEMEANING, OBJECTIONABLE, RACIAL, SEXUAL, POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND IN POOR TASTE. THIS SITE IS NOT SAFE FOR THE WORKPLACE (NSFW) ,AND ALL READERS ARE FOREWARNED OF THIS MATTER. READER SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OF AGE, OR HAVE PARENTAL SUPERVISION ON THIS SITE.

WITH THAT SAID:

WELCOME TO THE
MINNESOTA STATE FAIR NEWS

STATE FAIR QUICK_QUIPS

"Okay, Thelma...This is number 23 (grunt), keep goin' (gurk), lets try for (snork, wheeze) number 24 (chortle, gak)"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST25,2008:

CORPSE FOUND ABANDON AT FAIR

The body of a 75 year old man was found today laying beneath a tree outside of the horticulture building at the Minnesota State Fair. Although the news is sketchy, it appears that it was left there accidentally by the State Fair Police after they extracted it from underneath the tilt-a-whirl in the midway.

"I was there when it all happened" shouted Reginald Jones, a local Saint Paul man suffering from VMS. "There was this ol' dude and he was hangin' aroun' the Tilt-a-whirl, waiting for little kids to get off. He would then rush up to them hit them in the stomach with a plank and make 'em jerk up their lunch. If he liked what he saw, he would grab a spoon and have himself a hearty hot meal! I think he liked Scotch egg on a stick the best!"

Apparently several of the children whom the man had accosted, told their parents and one man, known as "Large"Lou Lingdengrook of Blaine, Minnesota located the 75 year old man and served justice on him. "I swear, Man..." , reported Johnny the crackhead, a local meth dealer of Brooklyn Center "this guy f---in' crushed up the ol' guy into a f---in' ball the size of a f---in' chihuahua's f---in' head, man". Then he f---in' shoved him under the f---in' Tilt-a-whirl, right through that f---in' little door underneath, man!f---in' harsh,dude!" At which point Johnny burped up a combination of blood and milk and collapsed into a nearby hedge, where he commenced releasing his bowels.

Little Billy Snatchbottom, of Hackensack, Minnesota told the state fair police that he had seen a man get shoved under the Tilt-a-whirl. The police all laughed at Snatchbottom saying that what he had seen was physically impossible, ridiculed his large ears, tore the visor off his baseball hat, kicked him in the groin and forced him to eat mud. "Fat Sam" a volunteer police officer from Lino Lakes, Minnesota laughed so hard he choked on a bite of his pork chop sandwich, twirled around 3 times, blew beer out his nose and dropped dead on the spot. After a second report of the same occurrence by another fair goer, the police gassed Snatchbottom, stuffed him into a gopher costume, threw him into a diorama in the DNR building, and went to investigate the report.

Upon arrival, the State fair police opened the door beneath the Tilt-a-whirl, and shoved a small girl that was passing by into the crawlspace. "Don't come out you little bitch, until you find something" commanded officer Bernie Popalopoconglius, of Rogers. After about 4 minutes, the girl returned with 38 cents in loose change, a tobacco tin, a hank of hair, 2 used condoms, and the arm of a corpse.

The police wrestled the corpse free from the Tilt-A-Whirl and carefully shoved it into a large brown hefty garbage bag. Once the body had been bagged, they hauled it off in the general direction of the horticulture building where they removed the body and drug it into the sun. According to the police chief, they had every intention of relocating the body later on, but all ended up getting drunk at the Titty-bar on the south side and passed out. "Guess that will teach that guy to respect our authority" said a nameless State fair Police officer, who then started gnawing his own arm off and dissapeared into the Midway.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Just Keep Calm, No One Will Notice ...Gawd, I knew wearing these Ass-less pants today was a bad idea!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE Aug 24,2008: Man Beaten to Death by Giant BEE

LOCAL BLUE EARTH, MN MAN BEATEN TO DEATH BY GIANT MUTANT BEE

Of all the occurrences at the Minnesota State Fair so far this year, today's mishap seems to be the strangest. Local Boy Band Member, Jimmy Grugergub of Blue Earth, Minnesota was apparently enjoying his day at the fair, when out of no where an over sized mutant bee came up behind him and beat him to death with a large club. "It was the weirdest thing" said local buffoon Terry Moynaugh. "This kid was having a good time playing grab ass with his friends, when all of a sudden there was this sound...it sounded like when you mash 7 or 8 pink pencil erasers into your dad's electric pencil sharpener. Then this HUGE ASS Bee showed up with a club and started whacking the hell out of this kid! Christ, it was funny! I really wet myself!"

Jimmy tried defending himself against the bee, but was severely hindered when two of his "friends" pulled his pants down, kicked his knees out from under him and poured their rootbeer floats all over him. "It must have really angered the bee, because he just kept hitting that kid repeatedly like a pimp on skank-ass whore!" With what little strength Grugergub had remaining, he crawled towards the Christian Dining Hall for refuge, but was met by a local gathering of "The Southern Baptist Dikes for the preservation of freakishly large insects and barbed wire" whose leader started screaming in tongues and flailing wildly, occasionally taking the time to kick Grugergub repeatedly in the face as he lay on the hot asphalt.

St.Paul native Jon Rask said"I was going to help him out as soon as I finished my project, which turned out to be an empty attempt of aid as Jon's project was standing beside the "Ye Old Mill" attraction, peeing into a cup and asking passerbys to sample his new drink.

State fair police arrived relatively quickly and forced the bee away from Grugergub, however it was far to late to save the pathetic man. "We figured the best thing to do now, was drag him into the sun, coat him with miracle whip and other condiments and let him spoil like a bowl of potato salad. " stated officer Pklyndgfjkhlk.

Within a few moments, Grugerubs friends located him, carried him to the "Kamikaze" Bungee launch, placed their dead friend into the seat and had the carnie rocket his corpse into space, after which they all gathered in a circle did a massive group headbutt, and fell unconscious into the street. The State fair police arrived soon after and dragged them into the sun.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUIK-QUIPS

"So I says to the gal...No, I don't think it's vomit...I think it's urine! Why would my child have vomit all over his face?"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"Gawd is she HOT! I'd Like to WALK-UP and give her MY BISCUITS & GRAVY!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE August23,2008: 3 Roseville Women Lost at Fair- Feared Dead

3 Roseville Women Lost at State Fair-

Feared DeadTragedy once again struck at the Minnesota State fair today as three women who attended the fair, have not yet returned home. Amanda Hugenkiss, Lezley Bonstripghetklin, and Julia Wermermanjensen, all of Roseville, Minnesota; were last scene at the fair in search of the perfect Corn Dog. "It was her life's ambition..." sobbed Julia's mother "She wanted to find the most exceptional corn dog, steal the recipe, sell it on Ebay, make a million dollars, and put it all up her nose".

The last time the three women were scene was strolling along Dan Patch avenue, when apparently a long haired street person approached them with a note. "I saw 'dem give 'dis guy some munney", said Billy the Kiss-ass, a traveling carnie with Royal American Shows. "He gave 'dem sump'in and they kicked him in the crotch, took back 'da munney and ran off wif 'da paper." Then the long haired street person vomited and started rolling around in a pool of his own sick singing "I'm a little tea pot". Two State fair police arrived and began beating the man with knight sticks until he lost consciousness, at which point they pushed him behind a garbage can and left him in the sun.

"Her Friends were Idiot Whores! said Michael Bonstripghetklin, Liza's father. "It doesn't surprise me one bit that they are lost. Those three morons couldn't find the 7 -eleven store by our house; and we lived next door to it!"

A small boy who was severely sunburned mentioned that he thought he saw the three women heading in the direction of the Midway, and that they looked very confused. "They all had on backstreet Boyz T-shirts and they kept running into things like they were drunk." Unfortunately it was later learned that the sunburned boy was completely blind from an earlier incident of duct taping a glass mayonnaise jar containing 5 wasps to his face on a bet, and he had now become a habitual liar.

What is known, from various security camera footage and reports of non-blind people, is that the three women were seen approaching the midway, they were seen buying lemonade and throwing it on each other, the were also seen cavorting with a three legged man, python girl, lobster boy, and headless Bob, all of which work in the fair's "lost children recovery room".

As of yet, the three women have not yet been found. A traveling Carnie did say however, "The last time someting like 'dis happened we found 'em all chained in a trunk in Psycho Steve's trailer, being forced to read comic books and fart classical concertos of Listz, and Brahm's. The only classical music farting I have heard coming from Psycho Steve's trailer this season is a little Bach and some Beethoven ...so they must be someplace else.

...See what you have missed today at the fair

Minnesota State fair Update, August 22,2008: 2 Killed at fair stealing priceless Drunken Lawn Gnome

Disclaimer: The information on this sight is in no way sanctioned or in partnership or connection with the actual Minnesota State fair. The information on this site is fictional and any names characters and incidents are of no existence and and purely in the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever bearing the same name, names or likenesses. All photos have been legally used from the Minnesota State fair and other public domain websites. Photos portrayed on this website, although used from other sights, have no actual bearing to how the photo may have been used, displayed, or portrayed in actuality. This site is completely fictitious and is the creation of the author.
PLEASE NOTE:
THIS SITE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY AND WILL BE CONSIDERED DEMEANING, OBJECTIONABLE, RACIAL, SEXUAL, POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND IN POOR TASTE. THIS SITE IS NOT SAFE FOR THE WORKPLACE (NSFW) ,AND ALL READERS ARE FOREWARNED OF THIS MATTER. READER SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OF AGE, OR HAVE PARENTAL SUPERVISION ON THIS SITE.

2 Killed at Fair stealing priceless Drunken Lawn Gnome

“Gregory” , Clontarf, Minnesota’s Mascot

In what seemed to be a relatively calm day at the fair, 2 teens and one unidentified man , were killed in a bizarre series of circumstances.

Josh Gugengrabber and Stepan Plotzkikni, both of Cannon Falls, Minnesota, were minding their own business eating Elephant ears in the midway, when a man dressed as a giant ear of corn was seen conversing with them. The Ear of corn was waving a fistful of cash at the two boys and pointing down to the opposite end of the Midway. “I sees ‘dis gian’ ear’o cone, wif’ lotso scratch in ‘is han’, and I was goin’ to hit him wif a pipe an’ take it” said an on looker”…but ‘da boys grab da’ money’ and run off wif it first!”. As odd as it sounds the large ear of corn then disappeared into the crowd.

The boys were later seen crouching in the corner of the 4-H building, and what happened next wasn’t exactly clear. The 2 tuffs ran through the building screaming “All praise to Gandolf, God of the world and sky”. Then one of the boys picked up a chair and hurled it through a plate glass window that was protecting the priceless statue of “Gregory the Great Fart Sniffer” mascot and source of pride for the town of Clontarf, Minnesota. One of the boys grabbed the effigy and tucked it under his arm, while the other boy started throwing broken glass at the onlookers and urinating on the floor. The boys fled through the south door of the 4-H building, and accidentally ran into a ongoing Pentecostal conclave of “Gnome Haters for Christ”, who happened to be on their annual “pilgrimage of blasphemy and sin”. Seeing the statue that was toted by the boys, one GHFC member dropped to his knees and cried “ You have delivered these abominations into our hands and we will determine their fate as we see fit!” after which the members started whipping the boys with large brightly colored yardsticks and rolled state fair maps. As this scene progressed into a violent bath of blood, broken sticks, paper, and hot corn dog grease, the giant ear of corn re-immerged from the crowd, grabbed the pilfered statue yelling “Yoink!” and raced off with Gregory under his arm. The corn forced his way through the crowd arriving at the Grandstand where a new display for “BIG JOHN’S BACKYARD BBQ & HOME CREMATORIUMS” was being introduced. The corn raised the wooden Gregory statue above his head, lost his balance and went tumbling into the open flame where upon his polyester suit seared to his body and roasted him alive, immediately before exploding into a million pieces. “It was great”, said 88 year old Harmon Stone of Bethel, Minnesota , “How often do you get to see carnage like that?... An exploding ear of corn, a flaming wooden gnome, shirtless boys in the midway, a large Bull’s Penis in the Hippodrome…”

Many onlookers made numerous attempts to try and retrieve Gregory from the flaming pit, but soon realized they enjoyed the fire more than the actual likeness of what one fairgoer described as …”the foul smelling, beer swilling mascot of a dying armpit of a town that should rot in hell.”

All was not lost however, as Ida Kobbupurass, from Ceylon, Minnesota, with the foresight of a greedy entrepreneur, picked up fragments of the large ear of corn, bagged them up and sold them as “COB-stoppers…permanent popcorn”, which could be chewed on all day long, and still taste like crap.

(above)Fairgoer views remains of Gregory

(below) Ida Kobbupurass of Ceylon, Minnesota

See what you missed at the Fair today….

end

Disclaimer: The information on this sight is in no way sanctioned or in partnership or connection with the actual Minnesota State fair. The information on this site is fictional and any names characters and incidents are of no existence and and purely in the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever bearing the same name, names or likenesses. All photos have been legally used from the Minnesota State fair and other public domain websites. Photos portrayed on this website, although used from other sights, have no actual bearing to how the photo may have been used, displayed, or portrayed in actuality. This site is completely fictitious and is the creation of the author.PLEASE NOTE: THIS SITE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY AND WILL BE CONSIDERED DEMEANING, OBJECTIONABLE, RACIAL, SEXUAL, POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND IN POOR TASTE. THIS SITE IS NOT SAFE FOR THE WORKPLACE (NSFW) ,AND ALL READERS ARE FOREWARNED OF THIS MATTER. READER SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OF AGE, OR HAVE PARENTAL SUPERVISION ON THIS SITE.

Minnesota State Fair UPDATE: August 21, 2008 3 KILLED ON OPENING DAY OF THE FAIR

3 Fairgoers Killed within 10 Minutes
Of State Fair 2008 Opening!

It would just seem to good to be true, that the Minnesota State Fair would be able to go through a single season without some major tragedy occurring within moments of the opening of the great event. This year was no exception to the classic slogan amongst fairgoers"Who is gonna bite it today?" The answer came within 8 minutes of the grand opening when A Montgomery Minnesota Woman named Liza Bifapicack, was hurled through a plate glass window of the newly renovated Food Building.

According to a local street man who had snuck into the fair, Liza Bifapicack was fiddling with the zipper on her hoodie when the ribbon at the main gate was cut and the throngs of eager fairgoers poured through the entrance. It was at that time everyone present was immediately aware of a serious design flaw in the gates...all except Bifapicack.

As the crowds pushed mercilessly through the gates a small unknown boy(seen in the photo above in lower left), hid by a ticket booth until he spotted his mark. Racing from his position, the boy grabbed a loose dangling hood string from Bifapicack's hoodie and wrapped it around a stanchion pole near the gate, as the crowd pushed their way through the small openings of the gates , fairgoers could hear screams and a woman shouting "My Neck, what the hell is happeni..." Without skipping a beat, the Crazed Minnesotans hoisted Bifapicack into the air and tried forcing her through the turnstyle. "We all had to be the within the first 100 people in the gates in order to get our 25 cents off a Backstreet Boys concert ticket! The hell if I'm letting some Goddam brainless tart gyp me outa' that prize." retorted 96 year old Angeline Stolvitz of Marshall, Mn. "I want to see those sweaty boys!". The crowd didn't consider the constant plees for help from Bifapicack, but instead shoved her through the only opening they could, a small decorative arch designed strictly for ventilition, which caused her spine to snap into three pieces. When she dropped from the hole on the other side of the gate into the mob, a man with no teeth cried "Thee Amigoth' the ith twyin' to ge' in wid ow pang!" Which the crowd heard as "Hey She is trying to get in without paying". Later it was determined that the toothless man was really just asking where to find Hot dish on a stick in Spanish. The angry Minnesotans who had properly paid for their tickets ganged togerther in a rush of fury and started moshing the paralyzed Bifapicack down Dan Patch Avenue. Before long the fairgoers had all freakishly united in a disturbing chant of "Free Tibet in 2008" and kept passing Bifapicack over their heads. In a last ditch effort, Bifapicack cried "The string on my hood..", afterwhich the same man yelled "She thayth the thtwing on my fud" which the crowd heard as "Bring me my food!" This infuriated the crowd, that this woman was now commanding them to bring food. It was at this point that all hell broke loose. "We'll show her where to get her f---ing food! cried Wilanda Jones, a local woman from St.Paul, And she forced the crowd to pass Bifapicack to the south down Cooper Street towards the food building. A loud man from Sleepy Eye, Minnesota jumped up on a statue of Pronto pup and screamed"All Hail to Satan!:"and started spitting Orange Julius into the crowd. The angered Mob was so irate at this demonstration, they heaved Bifapicack's body with an immense shove and flung it through the plate glass window of the food building. With their hands now free they grabbed the man from Sleepy Eye and and lynched him on the spot. As his lifeless body hung from the hat of Pronto Pup, a small frail woman passed out large wooden canes to children telling them that the dangling man was a pinata and if you hit him hard enough he would break open and give them candy. With that, the screaming children walloped the man intensly until his bowels split and his entrails exploded onto the children "F---ing Menudo, this is not candy" cried one child with a mouthful of intestines!,,and the children started beating each other with the canes, as the old woman who had started the incident laughed and cackled with glee. She then died of a massive stroke.

See What you missed at the fair today...and that was in the first 10 minutes!

Blog Disclaimer

Disclaimer: The information on this sight is in no way sanctioned or in partnership or connection with the actual Minnesota State fair. The information on this site is fictional and any names characters and incidents are of no existence and and purely in the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever bearing the same name, names or likenesses. All photos have been legally used from the Minnesota State fair and other public domain websites. Photos portrayed on this website, although used from other sights, have no actual bearing to how the photo may have been used, displayed, or portrayed in actuality. This site is completely fictitious and is the creation of the author.

PLEASE NOTE:

THIS SITE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT MAY AND WILL BE CONSIDERED DEMEANING, OBJECTIONABLE, RACIAL, SEXUAL, POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND IN POOR TASTE. THIS SITE IS NOT SAFE FOR THE WORKPLACE (NSFW) ,AND ALL READERS ARE FOREWARNED OF THIS MATTER. READER SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OF AGE, OR HAVE PARENTAL SUPERVISION ON THIS SITE.

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MINNESOTA STATE FAIR NEWS