CRAZED CLOWN KILLS COUNTLESS NUMBER AT FAIR
In what appeared to be a stupid idea from the beginning, at least 39 people lost their lives to a moron whom they decided to trust. Local Saint Paul Idiot, Gerry Quineloundrst a.k.a. "T.N.Tatters " (stand in for Daryl Laub) from the 1960s children's Early Morning Television show, put on what would be his last performance. On a dare from some Homeboy clowns from Saint Paul, Quineloundrst bet that he could ride the "Ye Old Mill's" water wheel down the street all the way to the Midway. As usual for most TV clowns, Quineloundrst was stinking drunk, when he decided that dynamiting the wheel from the attraction was a good idea, even more thoughtless was that he did it while the attraction was in use at high volume. Killed in the explosion were ride operator Jimmy Scratchamyass, of Belle Plaine, MN and his friend Stewie Rattbottom, of Montgomery, Minnesota, both who happened to be sitting right on top of the wheel as it blasted free from it's moorings. Drunk Quineloundrst jumped from the roof of the attraction and landed on top of the wheel as it started rolling down the street, Screaming "Look at Me! I am a Hero!"Worship me!!" Instead hundreds of people started throwing garbage at the has-been clown and someone threw a cup of vomit, which hit Quineloundrst square in the face. Sputtering like a drown rat, Quineloundrst lost control of the giant wheel and started flailing about wildly. Seconds later he was clotheslined by an overhead power line which knocked him off the wheel and left him dangling high above the pavement. The wheel, now clownless raced down Carnes Avenue and directly into the Midway, Crashing into The "Dragon Wagon" Attraction and exploding into flames. Hot Grease from a Pronto pup stand, crushed en route, fed the flames as a swath of fire cut through the Midway burning and scolding all in it's path. "I saw dis' guys Afro go up in flames like a ball o' fire! Hilarious!" said a local man from White Bear, MN. " I ran over to him and helped him out of the street, an' over to a Tom Thumb donut stand...where I plunged his head into da' deep fryer and 'da whole cart went up! YEAH!!" The White Bear man then ran down the street pushing other people into hot grease from other vendors, before slipping on an elephant ear and splitting his skull open.
In what appeared to be a stupid idea from the beginning, at least 39 people lost their lives to a moron whom they decided to trust. Local Saint Paul Idiot, Gerry Quineloundrst a.k.a. "T.N.Tatters " (stand in for Daryl Laub) from the 1960s children's Early Morning Television show, put on what would be his last performance. On a dare from some Homeboy clowns from Saint Paul, Quineloundrst bet that he could ride the "Ye Old Mill's" water wheel down the street all the way to the Midway. As usual for most TV clowns, Quineloundrst was stinking drunk, when he decided that dynamiting the wheel from the attraction was a good idea, even more thoughtless was that he did it while the attraction was in use at high volume. Killed in the explosion were ride operator Jimmy Scratchamyass, of Belle Plaine, MN and his friend Stewie Rattbottom, of Montgomery, Minnesota, both who happened to be sitting right on top of the wheel as it blasted free from it's moorings. Drunk Quineloundrst jumped from the roof of the attraction and landed on top of the wheel as it started rolling down the street, Screaming "Look at Me! I am a Hero!"Worship me!!" Instead hundreds of people started throwing garbage at the has-been clown and someone threw a cup of vomit, which hit Quineloundrst square in the face. Sputtering like a drown rat, Quineloundrst lost control of the giant wheel and started flailing about wildly. Seconds later he was clotheslined by an overhead power line which knocked him off the wheel and left him dangling high above the pavement. The wheel, now clownless raced down Carnes Avenue and directly into the Midway, Crashing into The "Dragon Wagon" Attraction and exploding into flames. Hot Grease from a Pronto pup stand, crushed en route, fed the flames as a swath of fire cut through the Midway burning and scolding all in it's path. "I saw dis' guys Afro go up in flames like a ball o' fire! Hilarious!" said a local man from White Bear, MN. " I ran over to him and helped him out of the street, an' over to a Tom Thumb donut stand...where I plunged his head into da' deep fryer and 'da whole cart went up! YEAH!!" The White Bear man then ran down the street pushing other people into hot grease from other vendors, before slipping on an elephant ear and splitting his skull open.As the Mighty Midway began turning into a blazing inferno, two small boys ran and grabbed a hose from a nearby attraction and sprayed the flames, unfortunately the hose was a fuel line rather than water and a huge wall of fire engulfed the North side of the Midway and was quickly spreading to Heritage Square. Two Knights of Columbus members in full parade dress pulled out there swords and cut two large holes into some lemonade tanks and let the sour drink pour into the midway helping to dowse the flames. The decision had to be made as to whether their efforts should be focused on the Midway or the now burning Heritage square, an easy decision however, so the large doors to Heritage square were bolted closed and it was left to burn. It is unknown how many fair goers were trapped inside when the doors were closed, but one of the Knight s said, "Who Cares...What the hell were they doing in their in the first place...I mean come on...Heritage Square? Why the hell would you waste your time?...They deserved to die!". Moments later the other Knight of Columbus member tripped and skewered the Knight through the chest and he dropped dead on the spot.
Within 45 minutes the disaster was under control, with the exception of the burning Heritage Square. A crowd had formed and located Quineloundrst and tied him up, toted him onto a stage in Adventure park and in front of all was forced to feed himself fresh from the deep fryer corndogs, that were dipped in lighter fluid and lit on fire. Quineloundrst head soon caught fire, and the flames quickly covered his body, both inside and out. The burning clown was shoved off the stage into the crowd, where his flaming corpse was loaded into the Bungee Launcher and shot into the sky.
Quineloundrst body was later located in the backyard of Mrs. Ida Krackinski of Falcon Heights, being used as a windsock/Scarecrow in her garden of thorns.See what you missed at the fair today!
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