MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 29, 2008: GIANT MONKEY KILLS 3 AT FAIR

GIANT MONKEY KILLS 6 AT MINNESOTA STATE FAIRIn a bizarre turn of events, three people were killed today at the Minnesota state fair. It all started when little Julie Gragofnik of Isanti, Mn. asked her father for a snow cone. "Snow Cone? I'm not paying f--king $1.75 for some ice chips with kool-aid poured on it!" retorted her father, Gerry Gragofnik, "Here eat this pocket lint instead!" . This upset Julie, who burst into tears. Her father handed her a crushed paper cup from the ground saying "Don't let those tears go to waste, cry into this cup and drink them later!". Little Julie shouted "I hate you! I never want to see you again! I hope you get your head ripped off on the Scrambler!, and with that, disappeared into the crowd. "You'll be back you little BITCH", shouted her father into the crowd of passing fair goers. Gerry Gragofnik, then stumbled over to the beer garten and ordered a Monster size "Drunk in a bucket" beer. Within a bout 3 minutes a large Monkey swooped down from the ceiling and landed on Gerry Gragofnik's back. "What the Fu...?!" cried Gragofnik. The large plush monkey started screaming and punching Gerry in the kidneys, causing him to spit up blood over some nearby on-lookers! One of the on lookers picked up a pipe off the ground and walloped Gerry in the head repeatedly. Gerry cried "You f--ing Moron, can't you see I am being attacked by a Giant Ape! HELP ME!". Gragofnik stumbled into the street as the monkey started ripping out large hanks of hair from Gerry's head. A woman approached Gerry to aid him, when out of the crowd another Giant plush monkey appeared, with several other living plush toys close behind. All of the toys attacked Gragofnik simultaneously. The woman tried to tear the creatures off of Gragofnik, but as she did, A man dressed as a Comanche Indian raced into the crowd screaming and weilding a rubber tomahawk. The Comanche, hit the woman repeatedly in the head with the tomahawk until she passed out where upon he did a war dance on her unconscious body, stomping her to death. The Indian man then raced into the crowd, where somewhere he was shanked in the stomach with a large piece of window glass and dropped dead.

Gragofnik, now a tumbling ball of multicolored plush fur, beer and blood, rolled down Nelson street and on to Carnes Ave, where a group of "Effeminate Farmers for Jesus (EFJ)" were staging a rally by the Giant Slide. Several of the EFJ members were drawing attention from the crowd, by having a group of volunteer members slide down the giant slide while standing up and singing "Nearer my God to thee". At the first bump in the slide, all 4 members of the EFJ were hurled into the air, 2 landed on Gregofnik, 1 landed at the base of the slide, splitting his head open on the cement and was killed immediately, and the fourth member landed on a small child going down the slide, and was arrested for molestation charges at the exit to the attraction.

As Gragofnik continued to struggle with the vicious plush toys and EFJ members, they managed to roll into the DNR pavilion where an exhibit of the real Minnesota Timber wolves mascots were being displayed. The hungry Canines smelled the blood and beer, broke free of the handlers and ripped into the rolling ball of detritus. Within seconds all had been vanquished and the remains of the EFJ and Gragofnik were roped off, and a crew of statefair police rounded up and bagged the body parts, and placed them in the sun, near by to, but not in, a state fair dumpster.

Little Julie Gragofnik, was later found in the midway, by herself with a snow cone purchased by a friends mother. She threw it in the mud moments later claiming "this tastes like sh-t!", and commenced eating pocket lint.

See what you missed at the fair today.