SMALL GIRL KILLED IN
FIRE AT FAIR
A terrible case of Mistaken identity left a small girl dead on the final day of the fair today. Little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen of Hinckley Minnesota was minding her own business and resting near a fire hydrant, when all of a sudden Three men dressed as whitetail deer started running down Dan Patch Ave, the sight amazed little Gretchen amongst other fair goers especially when A carnival midget from Royal American shows named Deiter Heinzworper, ran out from behind a root beer barrel with a can of gas and threw it all over the deer-men. Deiter then pulled a bow and arrow outfit from a small case, lit an arrow and fired the flaming arrow at the men hitting one, and setting all three on fire. Squealing with glee, Dieter started dancing in a circle and singing "Muss E Den" (wooden heart polka), and tearing his hair out. Three teenagers came along, shoved Deiter to the ground, bound him with duct tape and urinated on him, before kicking him like a ball into an alley and leaving him in the sun.
At the same time, the deer-men were now engulfed in flames, running aimlessly in the street, when a large colored man said "I knows 'da way to the Kingdom of God! Follows me an' I will take you d'ere!" and vanished into the crowd, offering no help to the situation.
A woman screamed that the deer-men were molesters and headed for the children's lost and found, hearing that five members of the "United Brides of Christ" raced over and tackled the deer, unfortunately catching all of them on fire as well. The Eight flaming bodies were all racing around Dan Patch avenue, when the state fair police arrived and ran for the fire hose, located near the recently destroyed "Ye Olde Mill" attraction. "Hook it up to that yellow Hydrant" screamed one policeman. Another daft idiot volunteer policeman with the brains of a squirrel raced over and grabbed little Gretchen by mistake and wrenched her head off, forced the fire hose over her neck and then started clubbing her with a fire hydrant wrench. The daft policeman missed one of his swings and hit himself in the scrotum, causing him to double over, smack his head on the real fire hydrant which killed him instantly.
By the time, the policeman got the hydrant functioning correctly, the flaming folks were all burned to death on the ground and were being eaten by a large pack of hungry dogs that had somehow entered the fair grounds.
A man raced over to the body of little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen, and quickly reunited her head with her body, and artfully stitched her head back on, unfortunately backwards. Little Gretchen was revived and was quickly tested for agility by kicking a midget that was found in a nearby alley, in the crotch. Little Gretchin, was given the all-okay, except the head being facing the wrong way, and will be returning to the fair as part of the side show next year. The midget hemorrhaged and died on the scene.
See what you missed at the fair today!
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