ROBOT GOES BERSERK, KILLS 7 AT
MINNESOTA STATE FAIR
"It happened so quickly, all I could see were bodies being hurled through the air" cried Juanita Gonzaga-Sanchez of Montevideo, Minnesota. Which is what many others would have said...if they weren't DEAD!
What was turning out to be a normal peaceful day at the fair, the first of this season in fact, was soon to fall in line with all the other days of tragic loss over the past week. This time occurring right outside the 4-H building of the Minnesota State Fair. Little Dickie Locknsphrotzkin, of Fridley Minnesota was demonstrating his entry in the science and technology exhibition of the 4-h club, when something went awry. Locknsphrotzkin had built a robot he had ordered from the back of a comic book, however had made significant changes and alterations in the design and function. "The cheap-ass robot in the comic did nothing when it arrived" said Locknsphrotzkin, "so I made a few changes." It was later found that some of those changes included powering the robot with grade A plutonium, adding a human brain from a friend at school, and substituting hydraulic fluid with Hydrochloric Acid. "It was going to be the greatest Robot in the world." said Locknsphrotzkin.
To the best of any one's knowledge, the turn of the events were as follows. Locknsphrotzkin brought the robot outside in order to demonstrate how agile and "smart" it was. As Locknsphrotzkin played with his remote control box the robot started greeting fair goers in the crowd, when all of a sudden a small girl with an extremely bad haircut approached the robot and said "Gimme' Five , Asshole!" and held out her hand. The robot responded by slapping the girls hand so hard that it ripped from the socket and went sailing into the Mexican Village , at which point it was ripped to shreds and eaten by a starving dog chained up behind the "Tacorito on a stick" booth. The girl shrieked in pain and released a string of obscenities at the robot, which responded by slapping the girl so hard that her entire body sailed through the air and landed in the front lawn of the haunted mansion where several teenage boys on crack, thought she was a real zombie and beat her to death with socks full of pennies they had on their persons.
The crowd around the robot had become hysterical with laughter, believing that this was a show. A man lusting for attention, pushed his son into the robot yelling "Kick Him! Kick Him!", however the robot responded rather than the boy and the mechanical nightmare kicked the small boy all the way into the Midway, where he landed directly into a boiling vat of grease from the Indian Tacos & Fry bread stand. The vendors removed the boy from the vat within about three minutes and started serving pieces of him on a bun claiming it to be pork.
Apparently the crowd around the robot wised up and realized that the robot was out of control, and 5 men charged the robot to bring it down to the ground. However the robot was to large and all the men succeeding in accomplishing was providing more fodder for the robots blood lust. The robot picked up three of the men and wrapped their limbs all together and then crushed them into a small ball, laughing maniacally while accomplishing the amazing feat. The robot then hurled the ball against the side of a Vending trailer which splattered all around with fragments of humanity. One small girl near the trailer had a severed ruptured stomach land over her head, she ran screaming wildly and uncontrollably in circles until a State Fair Police officer struck her in the head with a knight stick, knocking her out cold. He then drug her into the sun, where the stomach started to sear to her head. A young boy scout nearby quickly ran up to the small girl and tore the stomach off of her head, along with most of her hair and scalp. He then ran off whooping like a Hollywood Indian and was immediately struck by a car and killed.
The Angry crowd all raced over to Locknsphrotzkin and grabbed the control box, and forced Locknsphrotzkin to eat it. They then hurled Locknsphrotzkin into the robots arms whereupon the robot laughed and threw Locknsphrotzkin to the ground and started stamping on him. Locknsphrotzkin screamed "no Jimmy, No...it's me Dickie, ... but the robot stomped all the harder. The robot then vocalized for the first time "You F---king bastard! You cracked my head open and put my brain into this piece of crap! Whereupon the robot picked up Locknsphrotzkin , spun him over his head and flung Locknsphrotzkin into the local street performers group of "Mimes for Satan". The Mimes took turns ripping Locknsphrotzkin apart and tossing scraps into the crowd. Losing himself to the feverish pitch of the event, one Mime ran up to the robot climbed up his back and managed to tear it's head off. The Mime hurled the head into the crowd where they all started tossing it from one to another like a beach ball at a rock concert. The robot started spraying acid all over the nearby fair goers. "It was like a golden shower of needles and pretty colors" said a young goth teen, who then passed out , vomited and drown in his own sick.
Eventually the robot crumpled to the ground amongst 30 or so severely burned fair goers. A local overweight man passed by the scene while consuming a Dogzilla Corn Dog, staring and muttering " I voted for Nixon, I voted for Nixon", and continued down Carnes avenue, where he stepped off the sidewalk incorrectly and crumpled onto the hot asphalt and died of a stroke.
See what you missed at the fair today!
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