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“Gregory” , Clontarf, Minnesota’s Mascot
In what seemed to be a relatively calm day at the fair, 2 teens and one unidentified man , were killed in a bizarre series of circumstances.
Josh Gugengrabber and Stepan Plotzkikni, both of Cannon Falls, Minnesota, were minding their own business eating Elephant ears in the midway, when a man dressed as a giant ear of corn was seen conversing with them. The Ear of corn was waving a fistful of cash at the two boys and pointing down to the opposite end of the Midway. “I sees ‘dis gian’ ear’o cone, wif’ lotso scratch in ‘is han’, and I was goin’ to hit him wif a pipe an’ take it” said an on looker”…but ‘da boys grab da’ money’ and run off wif it first!”. As odd as it sounds the large ear of corn then disappeared into the crowd.
The boys were later seen crouching in the corner of the 4-H building, and what happened next wasn’t exactly clear. The 2 tuffs ran through the building screaming “All praise to Gandolf, God of the world and sky”. Then one of the boys picked up a chair and hurled it through a plate glass window that was protecting the priceless statue of “Gregory the Great Fart Sniffer” mascot and source of pride for the town of Clontarf, Minnesota. One of the boys grabbed the effigy and tucked it under his arm, while the other boy started throwing broken glass at the onlookers and urinating on the floor. The boys fled through the south door of the 4-H building, and accidentally ran into a ongoing Pentecostal conclave of “Gnome Haters for Christ”, who happened to be on their annual “pilgrimage of blasphemy and sin”. Seeing the statue that was toted by the boys, one GHFC member dropped to his knees and cried “ You have delivered these abominations into our hands and we will determine their fate as we see fit!” after which the members started whipping the boys with large brightly colored yardsticks and rolled state fair maps. As this scene progressed into a violent bath of blood, broken sticks, paper, and hot corn dog grease, the giant ear of corn re-immerged from the crowd, grabbed the pilfered statue yelling “Yoink!” and raced off with Gregory under his arm. The corn forced his way through the crowd arriving at the Grandstand where a new display for “BIG JOHN’S BACKYARD BBQ & HOME CREMATORIUMS” was being introduced. The corn raised the wooden Gregory statue above his head, lost his balance and went tumbling into the open flame where upon his polyester suit seared to his body and roasted him alive, immediately before exploding into a million pieces. “It was great”, said 88 year old Harmon Stone of Bethel, Minnesota , “How often do you get to see carnage like that?... An exploding ear of corn, a flaming wooden gnome, shirtless boys in the midway, a large Bull’s Penis in the Hippodrome…”
Many onlookers made numerous attempts to try and retrieve Gregory from the flaming pit, but soon realized they enjoyed the fire more than the actual likeness of what one fairgoer described as …”the foul smelling, beer swilling mascot of a dying armpit of a town that should rot in hell.”
All was not lost however, as Ida Kobbupurass, from Ceylon, Minnesota, with the foresight of a greedy entrepreneur, picked up fragments of the large ear of corn, bagged them up and sold them as “COB-stoppers…permanent popcorn”, which could be chewed on all day long, and still taste like crap.
(above)Fairgoer views remains of Gregory
(below) Ida Kobbupurass of Ceylon, Minnesota
See what you missed at the Fair today….
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