WOMAN MAULED BY HAWK MASCOT
In a shocking display of civil obedience today, A local Olivia, Minnesota Woman was attacked by a normally calm bird. Ms. Anna Bifkinglutch of Olivia , Minnesota was enjoying what seemed to be a peaceful day at the fair. She had just started consuming her Teriyaki Ostrich on a stick Kabob, when a large hawk settled next to her. Bifkinglutch had often thought that she had the ability to communicate with birds, animals, insects and certain types of fungus, and stared directly into the bird’s eyes and started making clucking , screeching and chirping noises. Within seconds the Hawk sprang forward and plucked out Bifkinglutch left eye, and swallowed it. Bifkinglutch screamed and started flailing around wildly, which angered the hawk and it immediately snatched out her remaining eye and flung it into a gathering crowd of onlookers. The eye landed in the “Slush Puppy” of little Tang Wong Toi, who screamed with delight and gobbled up the second eye.
Bifkinglutch began spinning in circles screaming “I can see Mars! I can see Venus!”, when in all actuality all she could not see anything. As she stumbled into the crowd, a teenage boy, high on dope, pushed her away and cried, “I am not your f---king glazed doughnut!” As Bifkinglutch fell against another fairgoer they in turned pushed her back away. Within moments a circle had formed around Bifkinglutch, and all the spectators were shoving her from one side to another, faster and faster. “Make her cry!” shouted a Mexican girl in the crowd “Make her cry like a baby! C’mon Bitch, Cry!” Unexpectedly a large Mexican man grabbed the Mexican girl, unsheathed his machete and cut her head off with one chop. As the crowd cheered, he flung the gaping mouthed head into the ring of people where it rolled right to the feet of Bifkinglutch. After kicking the severed head repeatedly, Bifkinglutch picked it up, gouged out the eyes and forced them into her own eye sockets. “I feel pretty…Oh, so Pretty…I feel pretty, witty and Gay!” sang Bifkinglutch, who continued to stumble as the crowd parted to make way for her exit. As Bifkinglutch wandered aimlessly down Liggett Street, the hawk came from behind, screeched and tore off her left ear. After a loud shriek, Bifkinglutch calmly chanted “I must suffer for my craft…glurble, bicoklic, gnuding, cratcicknik” .The last a Bifkinglutch part of what she had said seemed to sooth the hawk, now perched on her head, and the two wobbled about down the street. A small child walked up to Bifkinglutch and offered her some cotton candy, Bifkinglutch replied “I am an apron”, after which the hawk tore off her other ear and flew away. A local crew of street janitors guided Bifkinglutch towards the first aid station and accidentally dropped her down an open manhole immediately prior to her entering the building. All janitors fled in separate directions.
Meanwhile the crowd had dispersed from the sight of the occurrence, leaving behind only body part fragments and the headless corpse of a Mexican girl. The State fair police arrived, studied the scene, kicked the lifeless body around for a few minutes, then wrapped the body up in black plastic and drug it into the sun, behind the WCCO broadcasting booth “That ought’a smell real nice in a couple of hours” said one State Fair police officer.
See what you missed at the fair today!
In a shocking display of civil obedience today, A local Olivia, Minnesota Woman was attacked by a normally calm bird. Ms. Anna Bifkinglutch of Olivia , Minnesota was enjoying what seemed to be a peaceful day at the fair. She had just started consuming her Teriyaki Ostrich on a stick Kabob, when a large hawk settled next to her. Bifkinglutch had often thought that she had the ability to communicate with birds, animals, insects and certain types of fungus, and stared directly into the bird’s eyes and started making clucking , screeching and chirping noises. Within seconds the Hawk sprang forward and plucked out Bifkinglutch left eye, and swallowed it. Bifkinglutch screamed and started flailing around wildly, which angered the hawk and it immediately snatched out her remaining eye and flung it into a gathering crowd of onlookers. The eye landed in the “Slush Puppy” of little Tang Wong Toi, who screamed with delight and gobbled up the second eye.Bifkinglutch began spinning in circles screaming “I can see Mars! I can see Venus!”, when in all actuality all she could not see anything. As she stumbled into the crowd, a teenage boy, high on dope, pushed her away and cried, “I am not your f---king glazed doughnut!” As Bifkinglutch fell against another fairgoer they in turned pushed her back away. Within moments a circle had formed around Bifkinglutch, and all the spectators were shoving her from one side to another, faster and faster. “Make her cry!” shouted a Mexican girl in the crowd “Make her cry like a baby! C’mon Bitch, Cry!” Unexpectedly a large Mexican man grabbed the Mexican girl, unsheathed his machete and cut her head off with one chop. As the crowd cheered, he flung the gaping mouthed head into the ring of people where it rolled right to the feet of Bifkinglutch. After kicking the severed head repeatedly, Bifkinglutch picked it up, gouged out the eyes and forced them into her own eye sockets. “I feel pretty…Oh, so Pretty…I feel pretty, witty and Gay!” sang Bifkinglutch, who continued to stumble as the crowd parted to make way for her exit. As Bifkinglutch wandered aimlessly down Liggett Street, the hawk came from behind, screeched and tore off her left ear. After a loud shriek, Bifkinglutch calmly chanted “I must suffer for my craft…glurble, bicoklic, gnuding, cratcicknik” .The last a Bifkinglutch part of what she had said seemed to sooth the hawk, now perched on her head, and the two wobbled about down the street. A small child walked up to Bifkinglutch and offered her some cotton candy, Bifkinglutch replied “I am an apron”, after which the hawk tore off her other ear and flew away. A local crew of street janitors guided Bifkinglutch towards the first aid station and accidentally dropped her down an open manhole immediately prior to her entering the building. All janitors fled in separate directions.
Meanwhile the crowd had dispersed from the sight of the occurrence, leaving behind only body part fragments and the headless corpse of a Mexican girl. The State fair police arrived, studied the scene, kicked the lifeless body around for a few minutes, then wrapped the body up in black plastic and drug it into the sun, behind the WCCO broadcasting booth “That ought’a smell real nice in a couple of hours” said one State Fair police officer.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment