Minnesota State Fair UPDATE: August 21, 2008 3 KILLED ON OPENING DAY OF THE FAIR

3 Fairgoers Killed within 10 Minutes
Of State Fair 2008 Opening!

It would just seem to good to be true, that the Minnesota State Fair would be able to go through a single season without some major tragedy occurring within moments of the opening of the great event. This year was no exception to the classic slogan amongst fairgoers"Who is gonna bite it today?" The answer came within 8 minutes of the grand opening when A Montgomery Minnesota Woman named Liza Bifapicack, was hurled through a plate glass window of the newly renovated Food Building.

According to a local street man who had snuck into the fair, Liza Bifapicack was fiddling with the zipper on her hoodie when the ribbon at the main gate was cut and the throngs of eager fairgoers poured through the entrance. It was at that time everyone present was immediately aware of a serious design flaw in the gates...all except Bifapicack.

As the crowds pushed mercilessly through the gates a small unknown boy(seen in the photo above in lower left), hid by a ticket booth until he spotted his mark. Racing from his position, the boy grabbed a loose dangling hood string from Bifapicack's hoodie and wrapped it around a stanchion pole near the gate, as the crowd pushed their way through the small openings of the gates , fairgoers could hear screams and a woman shouting "My Neck, what the hell is happeni..." Without skipping a beat, the Crazed Minnesotans hoisted Bifapicack into the air and tried forcing her through the turnstyle. "We all had to be the within the first 100 people in the gates in order to get our 25 cents off a Backstreet Boys concert ticket! The hell if I'm letting some Goddam brainless tart gyp me outa' that prize." retorted 96 year old Angeline Stolvitz of Marshall, Mn. "I want to see those sweaty boys!". The crowd didn't consider the constant plees for help from Bifapicack, but instead shoved her through the only opening they could, a small decorative arch designed strictly for ventilition, which caused her spine to snap into three pieces. When she dropped from the hole on the other side of the gate into the mob, a man with no teeth cried "Thee Amigoth' the ith twyin' to ge' in wid ow pang!" Which the crowd heard as "Hey She is trying to get in without paying". Later it was determined that the toothless man was really just asking where to find Hot dish on a stick in Spanish. The angry Minnesotans who had properly paid for their tickets ganged togerther in a rush of fury and started moshing the paralyzed Bifapicack down Dan Patch Avenue. Before long the fairgoers had all freakishly united in a disturbing chant of "Free Tibet in 2008" and kept passing Bifapicack over their heads. In a last ditch effort, Bifapicack cried "The string on my hood..", afterwhich the same man yelled "She thayth the thtwing on my fud" which the crowd heard as "Bring me my food!" This infuriated the crowd, that this woman was now commanding them to bring food. It was at this point that all hell broke loose. "We'll show her where to get her f---ing food! cried Wilanda Jones, a local woman from St.Paul, And she forced the crowd to pass Bifapicack to the south down Cooper Street towards the food building. A loud man from Sleepy Eye, Minnesota jumped up on a statue of Pronto pup and screamed"All Hail to Satan!:"and started spitting Orange Julius into the crowd. The angered Mob was so irate at this demonstration, they heaved Bifapicack's body with an immense shove and flung it through the plate glass window of the food building. With their hands now free they grabbed the man from Sleepy Eye and and lynched him on the spot. As his lifeless body hung from the hat of Pronto Pup, a small frail woman passed out large wooden canes to children telling them that the dangling man was a pinata and if you hit him hard enough he would break open and give them candy. With that, the screaming children walloped the man intensly until his bowels split and his entrails exploded onto the children "F---ing Menudo, this is not candy" cried one child with a mouthful of intestines!,,and the children started beating each other with the canes, as the old woman who had started the incident laughed and cackled with glee. She then died of a massive stroke.

See What you missed at the fair today...and that was in the first 10 minutes!