MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST25,2008:

CORPSE FOUND ABANDON AT FAIR

The body of a 75 year old man was found today laying beneath a tree outside of the horticulture building at the Minnesota State Fair. Although the news is sketchy, it appears that it was left there accidentally by the State Fair Police after they extracted it from underneath the tilt-a-whirl in the midway.

"I was there when it all happened" shouted Reginald Jones, a local Saint Paul man suffering from VMS. "There was this ol' dude and he was hangin' aroun' the Tilt-a-whirl, waiting for little kids to get off. He would then rush up to them hit them in the stomach with a plank and make 'em jerk up their lunch. If he liked what he saw, he would grab a spoon and have himself a hearty hot meal! I think he liked Scotch egg on a stick the best!"

Apparently several of the children whom the man had accosted, told their parents and one man, known as "Large"Lou Lingdengrook of Blaine, Minnesota located the 75 year old man and served justice on him. "I swear, Man..." , reported Johnny the crackhead, a local meth dealer of Brooklyn Center "this guy f---in' crushed up the ol' guy into a f---in' ball the size of a f---in' chihuahua's f---in' head, man". Then he f---in' shoved him under the f---in' Tilt-a-whirl, right through that f---in' little door underneath, man!f---in' harsh,dude!" At which point Johnny burped up a combination of blood and milk and collapsed into a nearby hedge, where he commenced releasing his bowels.

Little Billy Snatchbottom, of Hackensack, Minnesota told the state fair police that he had seen a man get shoved under the Tilt-a-whirl. The police all laughed at Snatchbottom saying that what he had seen was physically impossible, ridiculed his large ears, tore the visor off his baseball hat, kicked him in the groin and forced him to eat mud. "Fat Sam" a volunteer police officer from Lino Lakes, Minnesota laughed so hard he choked on a bite of his pork chop sandwich, twirled around 3 times, blew beer out his nose and dropped dead on the spot. After a second report of the same occurrence by another fair goer, the police gassed Snatchbottom, stuffed him into a gopher costume, threw him into a diorama in the DNR building, and went to investigate the report.

Upon arrival, the State fair police opened the door beneath the Tilt-a-whirl, and shoved a small girl that was passing by into the crawlspace. "Don't come out you little bitch, until you find something" commanded officer Bernie Popalopoconglius, of Rogers. After about 4 minutes, the girl returned with 38 cents in loose change, a tobacco tin, a hank of hair, 2 used condoms, and the arm of a corpse.

The police wrestled the corpse free from the Tilt-A-Whirl and carefully shoved it into a large brown hefty garbage bag. Once the body had been bagged, they hauled it off in the general direction of the horticulture building where they removed the body and drug it into the sun. According to the police chief, they had every intention of relocating the body later on, but all ended up getting drunk at the Titty-bar on the south side and passed out. "Guess that will teach that guy to respect our authority" said a nameless State fair Police officer, who then started gnawing his own arm off and dissapeared into the Midway.

See what you missed at the fair today!