Minnesota Renaissance Festival NewsFORSOOTH!
All The Newseth That is Fitteth to Printeth
& Even Better The Stuffeth That
Isn'teth!
Monday, September 21, 2009
It's NOT OVER!! The fun Continues at:
Minnesota Renaissance Festival NewsFORSOOTH!
All The Newseth That is Fitteth to Printeth
& Even Better The Stuffeth That
Isn'teth!
And That's a Wrap!
MINNESOTA STATE FAI 2009 COMES TO AN END
...and so another year of the Minnesota state Fair comes to an end. Once again we must say goodbye to all the fun friends and of course FOOD. However , saying goodbye to the food... can be messy!Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Local Band Arrives For Fair on Last Day
Pig's Eye Jass Band Arrives at Fair
After weeks of being totally forgotten about, the Pig's Eye Jass Band rolled into Falcon Heights and the Minnesota state fair grounds at 6:45 PM on Labor Day. The easily overlooked fair attraction wasn't missed by anyone for the most part, with the exception of Little Tommy Bobick of Red Wing Minnesota who has been the only fan of the band for all 34 years of his life. Bobick, a Minnesota simpleton has tried to attend every concert and appearance that the Pig's eye cluster of musicians has presented, with the exception of only a few occasions; one was when Bobick fell down a mine shaft in Duluth and was not found for 6 days, and the other was when he had an incurable case of diarrhea.
Spokesperson for the band "Big" Wally Rothschild commented on their arrival " It was goin' great up until Burnsville, when we heard about a group of highwaymen ambushing carnival acts and making 'dem slaves!" We figur'd we'd alter our route and headed toward Hudson, Wisconsin and make a roundabout loop via Thief River Falls, and swing in from 'dat way." This action of course caused the band to drift off of their path and schedule significantly, which as one may recall was totally ludicrous to begin with, but seemed par for the course for these misguided worshippers of a former TV matinee movie spokesperson.
Upon arrival at the fair, the band was greeted with a hearty welcome of garbage, spoiled cheese curds, rotten fruit, and animal excrement, gathered from the local barns. To aide in the welcome, a local clown named "Testiclees", walked in front of the band's float and urinated all over the band, onlookers and himself. A few elderly men leaped from the crowd and ambushed the clown, beating him repeatedly with their canes, yardsticks and one monkey on a stick. Testiclees was then forced to drink scalding lemonade and forced to eat 6 pounds of rancid tom thumb donuts, before being drug by his underpants through the restrooms of the beer garden and deposited into a dumpster filled with medical waste from the First Aid Tent. The State fair police later rescued the pungent harlequin, beat him senseless and then drug him into the sun.
As the band neared the end of Judson Avenue, Second trumpet player, Lila Pikamabutt, of Sauk Center stood up and started clutching her chest. Two youths from the crowd thought she was taking a bow, and pelted her with large rocks they had stolen from the "Geology of Minnesota" display earlier. A large Taconite tailing , struck Pikamybutt in the head and she dropped from the platform onto the hot street asphalt. "I'm having a 'throke!" cried Pickamybutt, as she grasped in the air for help, but was instead met by 5 hungry wild dogs and ripped to pieces on the tarmac.
"Big" Wally Rothschild screamed like a little girl and jumped from the rolling platform, fracturing his leg and became the second object of affection of the wild dogs, who promptly tore into him, leaving pieces of Pickamybutt strewn all over Judson avenue. Rothschild was able to clammer his way back onto the platform, however he had sacrifice his legs to the pack for his escape. The dogs then ran off into the crowd and later disappeared in a whole in the fence.
As Rothschild lay immobilized on the Pig's Eye Platform, he stated "Maybe next year we'll fill our Goat urine cannon with more liquid and make better time!" then vomited and passed out.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Spokesperson for the band "Big" Wally Rothschild commented on their arrival " It was goin' great up until Burnsville, when we heard about a group of highwaymen ambushing carnival acts and making 'dem slaves!" We figur'd we'd alter our route and headed toward Hudson, Wisconsin and make a roundabout loop via Thief River Falls, and swing in from 'dat way." This action of course caused the band to drift off of their path and schedule significantly, which as one may recall was totally ludicrous to begin with, but seemed par for the course for these misguided worshippers of a former TV matinee movie spokesperson.
Upon arrival at the fair, the band was greeted with a hearty welcome of garbage, spoiled cheese curds, rotten fruit, and animal excrement, gathered from the local barns. To aide in the welcome, a local clown named "Testiclees", walked in front of the band's float and urinated all over the band, onlookers and himself. A few elderly men leaped from the crowd and ambushed the clown, beating him repeatedly with their canes, yardsticks and one monkey on a stick. Testiclees was then forced to drink scalding lemonade and forced to eat 6 pounds of rancid tom thumb donuts, before being drug by his underpants through the restrooms of the beer garden and deposited into a dumpster filled with medical waste from the First Aid Tent. The State fair police later rescued the pungent harlequin, beat him senseless and then drug him into the sun.
As the band neared the end of Judson Avenue, Second trumpet player, Lila Pikamabutt, of Sauk Center stood up and started clutching her chest. Two youths from the crowd thought she was taking a bow, and pelted her with large rocks they had stolen from the "Geology of Minnesota" display earlier. A large Taconite tailing , struck Pikamybutt in the head and she dropped from the platform onto the hot street asphalt. "I'm having a 'throke!" cried Pickamybutt, as she grasped in the air for help, but was instead met by 5 hungry wild dogs and ripped to pieces on the tarmac.
"Big" Wally Rothschild screamed like a little girl and jumped from the rolling platform, fracturing his leg and became the second object of affection of the wild dogs, who promptly tore into him, leaving pieces of Pickamybutt strewn all over Judson avenue. Rothschild was able to clammer his way back onto the platform, however he had sacrifice his legs to the pack for his escape. The dogs then ran off into the crowd and later disappeared in a whole in the fence.
As Rothschild lay immobilized on the Pig's Eye Platform, he stated "Maybe next year we'll fill our Goat urine cannon with more liquid and make better time!" then vomited and passed out.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Monday, September 14, 2009
The 2009 Minnesota State fair News is Brought to you by:
APACHE PLAZA
WHERE THE TWIN CITIES GOES TO SHOP
SMALL CHILD DIES IN COCOON AT FAIR
SMALL ASIAN BOY SPUN INTO COCOON AT FAIR, PERISHES!
Little Ming Tong Fugoo trapped inside glass
Little Ming Tong Fugoo trapped inside glassCocoon Machine moments before Death
In a horrible, although not all that surprising, occurrence at the Fair today, A small boy Ming Tong Fugoo (9) of Tracey, Minnesota was spun into a toxic Cocoon and suffocated as an experiment in front of the education building went horribly wrong. Dr. Gershwin Von Futupmyass, was demonstrating his new silk cocoon web spinning device and asked the crowd for a volunteer. "This little Chinese Kid will be ya' volunteer!" shouted a man clad in a white smock and pillowcased head, shoving little Ming Tong Fugoo to the exhibition platform. "He jus' tol me his ancestors Loved silk and anything to do with flies!" With that the man threw Fugoo onto the stage and into the glass observation chamber. Dr. Futupmyass replied"Ain't nut'in Ah Like mo' than a willin' Voluntee'ah", and slammed the case door shut and drooled over the front of his own shirt. "Ah shall now demonstrate, how My new Cocoon machine will benefit all a' man-kine' YeeeHaw!" With that Futupmyass pressed some buttons on a control panel and the machine started rocking violently and spraying soft silk throughout the chamber. Little Ming started squealing like a pig and racing around the enclosure, banging on the glass and pleading for help, however the amazed on-lookers wanted to see the machine complete it's work and therefore did nothing. Within seconds the machine had spun enough webbing to secure Fugoo into place in the case and started wrapping him up from the feet up. Futupmyass, watching with glee started laughing and drooling uncontrollably and within moments started spitting up blood and rolled off the stage. "He's having a heart attack!" screamed Joyce Papinski of Fridley, Minnesota. Quickly two roving youths broke through the crowd hollering let us through, let us through, reached Futupmyass, and began kicking him in the head and chest, while singing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Meanwhile, little Ming was covered in webbing and locked firmly into place. A man in the crowd yelled "Hey, I think that kid is going to be killed, somebody should help him!" at which the crowd all laughed in unison at the man and proceeded to beat him to death with food chairs , strollers and brightly colored yard sticks. In what apparently was Ming's only choice he started eating the webbing furiously to try to free himself, but it was coming far to quickly and before long covered Little Ming's head. With no one there to stop the machine, Ming's death cocoon began growing larger and larger until it exploded from the glass case and rolled free into the onlookers, showering the crowd in broken glass shards and killing 5 people instantly. "It was so cool! retorted a local meth-head before wetting himself and passing out in his own filth.
The cocoon rolled freely from the education, towards the midway following Cosgrove avenue through the food building and onto Carnes Avenue. "If it were not for the Dapper Dung Beetles of Dartmouth, Minnesota the occurrence may have been rather dire" said Fair Spokesperson Amanda Kikarown.
As the encased boys corpse rolled into the midway, the Dapper Dung Beetles of Dartmouth, (a local club of crippled entomologists and freaks who gain thrills by dressing and acting like dung beetles), started kicking the ball of web from one to another while making clicking sounds with their tongues and rolling their fists together. within moments the beetles kicked the ball free of the midway, through the horse barn and onto Judson avenue where they were met by the Minnesota state fair Fire department and set on fire. "Burn 'em Up Boys! cried Captain Deedles of Pine City, Minnesota and 4 firemen let loose with home made flame throwers manufactured of garbage cans wrapped with duct tape, filled with gasoline firing out of a garden hose. "Don't cross the streams! Don't cross the streams! cried one of the firefighters just moments before erupting into flames, causing a chain reaction resulting in all of the remaining firefighters to combust along with the dung beetles and web ball into a blazing inferno in the middle of Como Avenue. Yee Haw! My dinner has arrived!” cried a homeless cretin begging for money on the street and raced into the blaze, also being incinerated immeadiatly.
The Saint Paul fire department arrived moments later and decided that the flaming mass of goo was left best left alone, so they placed a barricade around it and routed traffic from Como avenue, through the KTCA studios parking lot and into the train yard where many were struck by trains and left for dead.
When asked to Respond about the incident, and the decision of the Saint Paul fire Department to re-route traffic in such a senseless manner, Saint Paul Mayor Chris Coleman replied "Where can I get me one of those Dung Beetle suits?"
See what you missed at the fair today!
The cocoon rolled freely from the education, towards the midway following Cosgrove avenue through the food building and onto Carnes Avenue. "If it were not for the Dapper Dung Beetles of Dartmouth, Minnesota the occurrence may have been rather dire" said Fair Spokesperson Amanda Kikarown.
As the encased boys corpse rolled into the midway, the Dapper Dung Beetles of Dartmouth, (a local club of crippled entomologists and freaks who gain thrills by dressing and acting like dung beetles), started kicking the ball of web from one to another while making clicking sounds with their tongues and rolling their fists together. within moments the beetles kicked the ball free of the midway, through the horse barn and onto Judson avenue where they were met by the Minnesota state fair Fire department and set on fire. "Burn 'em Up Boys! cried Captain Deedles of Pine City, Minnesota and 4 firemen let loose with home made flame throwers manufactured of garbage cans wrapped with duct tape, filled with gasoline firing out of a garden hose. "Don't cross the streams! Don't cross the streams! cried one of the firefighters just moments before erupting into flames, causing a chain reaction resulting in all of the remaining firefighters to combust along with the dung beetles and web ball into a blazing inferno in the middle of Como Avenue. Yee Haw! My dinner has arrived!” cried a homeless cretin begging for money on the street and raced into the blaze, also being incinerated immeadiatly.
The Saint Paul fire department arrived moments later and decided that the flaming mass of goo was left best left alone, so they placed a barricade around it and routed traffic from Como avenue, through the KTCA studios parking lot and into the train yard where many were struck by trains and left for dead.
When asked to Respond about the incident, and the decision of the Saint Paul fire Department to re-route traffic in such a senseless manner, Saint Paul Mayor Chris Coleman replied "Where can I get me one of those Dung Beetle suits?"
See what you missed at the fair today!
Little Ming goes down for the last time before being smothered by silk
Sunday, September 13, 2009
10 Die At Fair From Carnie Gone Wild!
Carnie Goes Crazy and Kills!
See what you missed at the fair today!
It was one of the most exciting days at the Minnesota state fair today, and as a result, one of the deadliest. A total of 10 fair patrons met death face to face in a bizarre set of circumstances, all linked to one another in a curious chain of events.
The carnage began in the 4-H building when Theresa Clusterfug of Elk River Minnesota tried to place a paper crown on 17 year old Gerald Babinski of Montevideo, Minnesota. "The kid went Bazoik!" said a toothless old woman in a babushka. "She placed this paper crown on da kids head and (sputum) he started flailing around wildly (drool)." Apparently Clusterfug not only had placed the crown on the head of the visitor, but along with it...a Peruvian bronco ball buster spider. The spider, trapped between the head band and the teen's skull immediately started boring into the victims scalp, screaming wildly, Babinski tried to remove the crown as fast as he was able, however Clusterfug kept pressing it back tighter onto his head. "Get it off you F***ing Bitch!" screamed the teen in the discourse of adolescent coloquialism. "You’re King for a day! cried Clusterfug "and you MUST wear the crown!" In his desperation Babinski grabbed a hold of a passing Hispanic man carrying a large machete, and tore the oversize knife from his belt. Wasting no time, Babinski quickly lopped off the head of Clusterfug, and let her body flail wildly like a decapitated chicken. Clusterfug's head sailed through the air and landed in the awaiting lap of John Grossheimer of Jordan, Minnesota. 69 year old Grossheimer, hollered "A finally Gawt A Head in Life" and started laughing uncontrollably, swallowing his false teeth and choking to death within seconds. Meanwhile a group of "Lazarus Testifies Amongst Us" members, grabbed hold of the flailing body of Clusterfug and ran off through the crowd chanting "Be Healed! Be Healed!" Unbeknownst to a nearby group of picnicking "Monks for Spam" the LTAU (Lazarus sect), fell into the middle of the monks three legged race. Not understanding the rules one of the LTAU members , grabbed a large Bowie knife from one of the monks and cut his own leg off with it in order to be fair. The bleeding LTAU member naturally dropped to the ground, impaling himself on the oversized knife and was trampled by the other monks in the race. As the LTAU member with one leg lay bleeding, a small child broke free of his leash and grabbed the disembodied leg and ran off with it squealing with joy and gnawing on the limb. As the nameless, one legged LTAU member tried to drag himself to safety three misguided youths descended upon him, rolled him over and forced him to eat a concoction of Elmer's Wall board paste mixed with carpet tacks and broken glass, after which they heaved his body into a nearby running display of a corn Sheller, which instantly pulped the LTAU members body. The state fair policy were seen chasing after the other LTAU members who still had the headless body of Clusterfug, as they raced into the Midway.
"I couldn't tell what was happening..." spoke Harley Gribblepop of Cannon Falls, Minnesota"...I was playin' Flip-a-frog when I sees 'dese kids running by with what looked like a headless corpse of a woman. I didn't really pay attention, cuz I was real close to flippin' the frog!". As is appears, the LTAU's ran into the "Side show of Freaks" tent and tried selling the headless corpse of Clusterfug to Randy "Scabs" Geezik of Royal American Shows, to use in the "Freak Tent". "Gait' That Smailey Thang out'a my Taint! cried Geezik and picked up a large butcher knife and cut the heads off the three remaining LTAU members. Laughing uncontrollably Geezik, grabbed a nearby Tent Mallet, and played croquet with the heads using the lifeless LTAU bodies along with Clusterfugs corpse as wickets in his perverse game. Without realizing who was behind him, Geezik swung the mallet back behind him striking "Zupan the Great" directly between the eyes and dropping the bedazzled Swami to the ground...dead. A small boy ran screaming into the tent and ran a large pike blade through Geezik screaming "No More canned hams!", before tripping over Zupan's corpse and falling upon an unattended sword from Jimmy Bob the Sword Swallower's rack of pain.
When all was over, Spokesperson for the fair Myra Bkljfdkdfmvjjnm, told the press "Ya' know, next year we are really going to have to think about the intelligence of having a special "Bring a large knife to the fair and get a dollar off" promotion.
The carnage began in the 4-H building when Theresa Clusterfug of Elk River Minnesota tried to place a paper crown on 17 year old Gerald Babinski of Montevideo, Minnesota. "The kid went Bazoik!" said a toothless old woman in a babushka. "She placed this paper crown on da kids head and (sputum) he started flailing around wildly (drool)." Apparently Clusterfug not only had placed the crown on the head of the visitor, but along with it...a Peruvian bronco ball buster spider. The spider, trapped between the head band and the teen's skull immediately started boring into the victims scalp, screaming wildly, Babinski tried to remove the crown as fast as he was able, however Clusterfug kept pressing it back tighter onto his head. "Get it off you F***ing Bitch!" screamed the teen in the discourse of adolescent coloquialism. "You’re King for a day! cried Clusterfug "and you MUST wear the crown!" In his desperation Babinski grabbed a hold of a passing Hispanic man carrying a large machete, and tore the oversize knife from his belt. Wasting no time, Babinski quickly lopped off the head of Clusterfug, and let her body flail wildly like a decapitated chicken. Clusterfug's head sailed through the air and landed in the awaiting lap of John Grossheimer of Jordan, Minnesota. 69 year old Grossheimer, hollered "A finally Gawt A Head in Life" and started laughing uncontrollably, swallowing his false teeth and choking to death within seconds. Meanwhile a group of "Lazarus Testifies Amongst Us" members, grabbed hold of the flailing body of Clusterfug and ran off through the crowd chanting "Be Healed! Be Healed!" Unbeknownst to a nearby group of picnicking "Monks for Spam" the LTAU (Lazarus sect), fell into the middle of the monks three legged race. Not understanding the rules one of the LTAU members , grabbed a large Bowie knife from one of the monks and cut his own leg off with it in order to be fair. The bleeding LTAU member naturally dropped to the ground, impaling himself on the oversized knife and was trampled by the other monks in the race. As the LTAU member with one leg lay bleeding, a small child broke free of his leash and grabbed the disembodied leg and ran off with it squealing with joy and gnawing on the limb. As the nameless, one legged LTAU member tried to drag himself to safety three misguided youths descended upon him, rolled him over and forced him to eat a concoction of Elmer's Wall board paste mixed with carpet tacks and broken glass, after which they heaved his body into a nearby running display of a corn Sheller, which instantly pulped the LTAU members body. The state fair policy were seen chasing after the other LTAU members who still had the headless body of Clusterfug, as they raced into the Midway.
"I couldn't tell what was happening..." spoke Harley Gribblepop of Cannon Falls, Minnesota"...I was playin' Flip-a-frog when I sees 'dese kids running by with what looked like a headless corpse of a woman. I didn't really pay attention, cuz I was real close to flippin' the frog!". As is appears, the LTAU's ran into the "Side show of Freaks" tent and tried selling the headless corpse of Clusterfug to Randy "Scabs" Geezik of Royal American Shows, to use in the "Freak Tent". "Gait' That Smailey Thang out'a my Taint! cried Geezik and picked up a large butcher knife and cut the heads off the three remaining LTAU members. Laughing uncontrollably Geezik, grabbed a nearby Tent Mallet, and played croquet with the heads using the lifeless LTAU bodies along with Clusterfugs corpse as wickets in his perverse game. Without realizing who was behind him, Geezik swung the mallet back behind him striking "Zupan the Great" directly between the eyes and dropping the bedazzled Swami to the ground...dead. A small boy ran screaming into the tent and ran a large pike blade through Geezik screaming "No More canned hams!", before tripping over Zupan's corpse and falling upon an unattended sword from Jimmy Bob the Sword Swallower's rack of pain.
When all was over, Spokesperson for the fair Myra Bkljfdkdfmvjjnm, told the press "Ya' know, next year we are really going to have to think about the intelligence of having a special "Bring a large knife to the fair and get a dollar off" promotion.
Babinski was raced off to Saint Paul Ramsey Hospital for treatment of the boring spider in his head and was pronounced DOA.
See what you missed at the fair today!
STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"Ha Haw! I tell Sachi here to eat anything...and he'll do it! My Car Keys? 5 Bucks! That elephant ear in the mud over there...5 bucks! That rotting squirrel in the street covered in maggotts...that'll cost you......aaaaaa okay ....5 bucks!STAE FAIR QUICK-KWIP
"CRAP! I thought he was with you! Okay, go get me my long range rifle. This is going to be a tricky one!Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
STATE FAIR MASCOT GOES BERSERK; KILLS CHILD
FAIRCHILD FLIPS OUT AND SMOTHERS SMALL CHILD AT FAIR
Little Amanda Pickensnott of Belle Plain Minnesota Taunts Fairchild Once again another senseless death occurred today at the Great Minnesota get Together, when State fair Mascot "Fairchild" went berserk and smothered little Amanda Pickensnott of Belle Plaine, Minnesota. According to a homeless Indian wandering through the fairgrounds, Amanda was sitting on the curb when she saw Fairchild. Upon seeing the giant rodent, she started screaming and throwing garbage at him. "You Lousy F***king piece of Crap!" shouted Amanda. "You said you were going to bring me a bike...and a pony...and a new Barbie..." Apparently Amanda had confused Fairchild with Santa Clause, and was taking out her disappointments from Christmas at his expense. As Fairchild tried to calm the child, she reached between the rodents legs and grabbed his testicles, squeezing as hard as she could Amanda shouted "GIVE ME MY F****ING PONY! NOW!" "Fairchild squealed like a Pig" reported Julio Gonzalez of Blue Earth, MN. Amanda then started kicking Fairchild as he lay in the street, then ran over to a nearby Pickle on a stick vendor, stole a pickle and threw it into the crowd, reserving the stick and began stabbing Fairchild repeatedly with the blunt shard of wood. It was at this point Fairchild rolled onto his feet and grabbed Amanda pulling her close to his bloody chest and forcing her face into his soiled fur. Kicking and screaming Amanda tried to escape, however several bystanders quickly ran to the child and aided Fairchild in smothering her, by shoving her face deeper and harder into Fairchild's belly. Within a few minutes, the spoiled child lay dead at Fairchild's feet. As a crowd gathered around Fairchild immediately went into a psychotic dance, stomping around the child and making high pitched squealing noises, and occasionally spitting up blood. The fair police arrived approximately 35 minutes later in time to disperse the crowd and take Fairchild to the State fair infirmary, where he was treated for puncture wounds and dehydration from vomiting excessively inside his suit.
Meanwhile the "Cloggers for Christ" who were having a show in the same venue, kicked Amanda's lifeless corpse to the curb and went on to perform interpretive dance to "just a closer walk with thee".
Several other officers arrived later and picked up little Amanda's body and drug it into the sun. "She smells like urine" said one of the officers, and walked away.
See what you missed at the fair today
Meanwhile the "Cloggers for Christ" who were having a show in the same venue, kicked Amanda's lifeless corpse to the curb and went on to perform interpretive dance to "just a closer walk with thee".
Several other officers arrived later and picked up little Amanda's body and drug it into the sun. "She smells like urine" said one of the officers, and walked away.
See what you missed at the fair today
Fairchild squeezing the life out of his assailant moments before her death STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"Hey Buddy, Get the Hell Out'a My Face. There's a nice SUNNY SPOT right over there with YOUR name on it!....MMRFF, GRRGLE, FRMPF...That'th 'Wight!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
ELMO DIES AT MINNESOTA STATE FAIR
Crazed Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage,MN "feels his hate" as he pummells Sesame Street's Elmo to death
In a hideous display of Malice, the beloved Sesame Street character "Elmo" was brutally bludgeoned to death today at the fair. It all started when 54 year old Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage Minnesota, was minding his own business eating a bowl of leprechaun legs, when some social malcontent teens walked by and snooged in his lunch. "How's your COBB Salad Old Man" sneered one of the teens, and laughed. A second teen picked up some gravel from the ground and tossed it into Snivvelbottoms face and retorted "I think you need more FIBER!", and with that pushed a third teen vigorously into Snivvelbottom causing him to spill his Fairchild Float all over himself. The teen then lost his footing, tumbled over Snivvelbottoms back and struck his own head on an exposed rusty iron post killing him instantly. A large dog then rushed up to the dead teen and began chewing off his face, before being deterred by Snivvelbottom. "Get away from that corpse Reginald, yelled Snivvelbottom. The remaining two teens then drug their former friend out into the street and commenced kicking him repeatedly screaming "Get up you F***ing Baby! C'mon Steven!" As Snivvelbottom started to rise from his seat at the picnic table, a small child Emilia Farfruckessisian, of Cass lake, MN hobbled up to him and dispensed a splitting air horn blast directly into his ear, causing Snivvelbottom to scream wildly tumble over backwards and into a fresh pile of Dog Stool (assumable from his own dog "Reginald"). It was at this point that all hell seemed to break loose. Snivvelbottom, clutching his head and spinning wildly down Dan Patch Avenue, eventually ended up behind the Culligan water tent where he located a circus mallet used prior to erect the tent. He ran glaze eyed into the street swinging the mallet at anyone within reach, hitting several Buddhist Monks, two Jews for Jesus Representatives, and numerous Hari Krishna’s, all gathered in the middle of the street for a silent protest against the use of plastic shoelace tips for fuel. Nearby the special guest interview at the KDWB info booth was International Child Superstar "Elmo" of the Children's Television Workshop show Sesame Street. Elmo had just finished a live interview and was heading off with his entourage towards the Grandstand for a KMSP "Live at the Fair" interview, when Snivvelbottom came whirling like a dervish through the crowd and smacking Elmo with the mallet. Elmo sailed into the air, and dropped down straight down back in front of Snivvelbottom who began repeatedly pounding the red puppet deeper and deeper into the ground , all the while screaming "7-up, 7-up. 7-up". A stunned crowd gathered around Snivvelbottom as he pulped the puppet with the mallet. Moments later a large clown emerged from the crowd and with a garden hose and quickly wrapped it around Snivvelbottoms neck and pulled it tight. Gasping for air Snivvelbottom dropped the mallet, and started groping for the hose, the clown started cackling gleefully pulling all the tighter until Snivvelbottoms head popped off his body and sailed into the onlookers, who all started kicking the discolored head around like a soccer ball. John Scrotegrabber of Clontarf, Minnesota then kicked the head with intense speed driving it directly into the crotch of squealing clown causing him to double over into the mud and was repeatedly kicked by fairgoers. Scrotegrabber, being a small town opportunist, quickly grabbed a box of crayons from a small child, tore off his shirt and made a banner reading "Kick the Fat-Ass clown to death - 25 cents". Within moments Scrotegrabber was raking in so much money the state fair police whisked him and his bags earnings to safety from potential ne’er-do-wells.
The fair police then returned to the scene and drug the lifeless body of the clown as well as the headless corpse of Snivvelbottom off the street and behind the "Ye Olde Mill attraction" and propped them up in the sun.
"As ruckuses go..., commented Fair Commissioner Ron Goatshead "this one seemed to be one of the crowd’s favorites this year!"
It was later on that day that newly made millionaire John Scrotegrabber was found penniless, and unconscious leaning against a dumpster behind the state fair police office, and also propped up in the sun.
See what you missed at the fair today!
The lifeless body of CTW's "Elmo" lay on a Blue Bunny Ice Cream Bucket after it was retrieved from an 8 foot hole near the Grandstand.Wednesday, September 2, 2009
STATE FAIR QUICK-KWIP
"Banana?...Banana? What the hell are you talkin' about, this is...OH CRAP! Where the Hell did I leave my Baby!STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"...Of Coarse, I'm Screwing You! You just Paid nearly $3.00 for some 'frickin confectionaires sugar and water spun on a recycled paper cone! It's the State Fair, Asshole! Deal With It!"WOMAN SLAIN BY FAKE SPIDERMAN AT FAIR
2 Die at Fair After Hero Debacle
Local Teen Ron Passumgas moments before the attack
"It happened so quickly that no one was aware that the publicity stunt designed to amuse had just turned into a carnival of carnage!" said Jerry Skizak from Zumbrota, Minnesota, a self proclaimed literary genius. However even though Jerry is a plain community simpleton, he was correct in the fact that this stunt had gone amazingly wrong.
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
Monday, August 31, 2009
STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"AAAGH! Son of a BITCH! MY Frickin' Neck Went out! Why did I think that NOW would be a good time to look at the Solar eclipse!"STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! There's Nothing like the smell of Tom-Thumb Donut Grease, Corn Dogs, Cotton Candy, Elephant Ears, Fresh Cattle Urine, Sheep Dung, and Children's Vomit by the Tilt-A-Whirl...Now, I must Tinkle!
4 CHILDREN KILLED BY KABUKI ASSASSIN AT FAIR
Tommy Horton of Osakis, Minnesota Moments before rampageTragedy struck on Day #2 of the Minnesota State Fair when a small child identified as Tommy Horton of Osakis, Minnesota went berserk and killed 3 children on the "Dilly-Dally Bumper cars" attraction in Kiddieland. It wasn't quite clear what actually happened or why, but according to a passerby who wished to remain anonymous (Lilly Popkiss of Apple Valley, MN) reported "I saw this strange little figure out of the corner of my eye leap from a tree and right onto the bumper car attraction...I just dismissed it, because I see all sorts of weird things when I am off my meds." Then she proceeded to to vomit up on herself and pass-out. State Fair Police were called to the scene where they sprayed Popkiss down with a hose and drug her off and left her in the sun to dry.
From what we have been able to piece together. Little Tommy Horton had come to the fair with the "Children of the Apocalypse" church , and somehow broke free of the group. "I saw 'dis kid over at 'da soda shack der, and he was drinking mo' Moun'in dew 'dan a dehydrated jackass!" said a local street transient living underneath the grandstand. "He done juiced himself up an' had 'dis scarey look in his eye! I scream'd DEVIL CHIL' DEVIL CHIL'!, and 'den I passed out!"
Moments later, Tommy started running aimlessly through the fairgrounds and stumbled into a souvenir stand selling cheap Chinese toys and fair garbage, and he stole a plastic samurai sword. While trying to escape, the vendor threw scolding coffee in Tommy's face causing him to scream "You Motherf***ing WHORE!" and fell face down in a puddle of mud. His face severely burned, Tommy grabbed a box of crayons from some nearby children and drew a cheesey moustache and eyebrows on his now red blistered face. He then ran off in the direction of "Kiddieland". He was next seen chattering like a squirrel in a tree, swinging his plastic sword, which drew the attention of some local teenage tuffs that were passing by. The teenagers picked up rocks and sticks and pelted Tommy with them until he fell from the tree onto the Dilly Dally Bumper cars which was presently in operation. Little Gertrude Hoffmister and her sister Helga (both from New Ulm), saw Tommy, and screamed as they ran over his legs, cutting them free of his pelvis, and leaving them on the steel attraction floor flopping like daddy long legs. Tommy swung his plastic sword and poked out the eye of a small nameless Canadian boy, who lost control of his bumper car and crashed it through the side rail and rolled it into the bystanders, crushing him instantly. Two bystanders were hurt, and quickly drug into the sun by Fair Police. Scrabbling across the steel floor, Tommy grabbed onto a moving bumper car and was drug all over the attraction, spraying blood from his leg stumps as he went. "It was like one o' those Spin Art Machines, down in the real midway" said Jackaroon Katrufkin, of Saint Paul. As little Tommy started to weaken from loss of blood his grip failed, and sent him hurling into the car of little Reginald Van Scrote, who screamed like a little girl and died of coronary failure moments before crashing head on into the operating kiosk of the attraction, causing the whole attraction to start ablaze. The canopy of the ride immediately caught fire and began to descend upon all of the trapped children. A large Tibetan Monk leaped from the crowd and with lightening speed tore through the blazing canopy of death and freed most all of the children, little Tommy Horton was left to die in his bumper coffin of doom. As Tommy burst into flame in front of the stunned crowd he screamed "...ask not for whoeth the bell tolls, it tolls for.." and he then exploded into flames. The intense heat of the blazing attraction forced the crowd to retreat, with the exception of a small Asian boy with a limp who was drawn like a moth to a flame, and screamed "Willie O'Dwyer, Jumped in the fire!..." and raced into the flaming wreckage, and was consumed by the raging flames.
Within 55 minutes, the Minnesota State fair Fire Department arrived, from 2 blocks away, and extinguished the embers that had once been the Dilly Dally Bumper Cars. When asked why it took so long for the fire department to arrive , Fire Chief Norm Tournquist replied "KISS MINE!"
See what you missed at the fair today!
From what we have been able to piece together. Little Tommy Horton had come to the fair with the "Children of the Apocalypse" church , and somehow broke free of the group. "I saw 'dis kid over at 'da soda shack der, and he was drinking mo' Moun'in dew 'dan a dehydrated jackass!" said a local street transient living underneath the grandstand. "He done juiced himself up an' had 'dis scarey look in his eye! I scream'd DEVIL CHIL' DEVIL CHIL'!, and 'den I passed out!"
Moments later, Tommy started running aimlessly through the fairgrounds and stumbled into a souvenir stand selling cheap Chinese toys and fair garbage, and he stole a plastic samurai sword. While trying to escape, the vendor threw scolding coffee in Tommy's face causing him to scream "You Motherf***ing WHORE!" and fell face down in a puddle of mud. His face severely burned, Tommy grabbed a box of crayons from some nearby children and drew a cheesey moustache and eyebrows on his now red blistered face. He then ran off in the direction of "Kiddieland". He was next seen chattering like a squirrel in a tree, swinging his plastic sword, which drew the attention of some local teenage tuffs that were passing by. The teenagers picked up rocks and sticks and pelted Tommy with them until he fell from the tree onto the Dilly Dally Bumper cars which was presently in operation. Little Gertrude Hoffmister and her sister Helga (both from New Ulm), saw Tommy, and screamed as they ran over his legs, cutting them free of his pelvis, and leaving them on the steel attraction floor flopping like daddy long legs. Tommy swung his plastic sword and poked out the eye of a small nameless Canadian boy, who lost control of his bumper car and crashed it through the side rail and rolled it into the bystanders, crushing him instantly. Two bystanders were hurt, and quickly drug into the sun by Fair Police. Scrabbling across the steel floor, Tommy grabbed onto a moving bumper car and was drug all over the attraction, spraying blood from his leg stumps as he went. "It was like one o' those Spin Art Machines, down in the real midway" said Jackaroon Katrufkin, of Saint Paul. As little Tommy started to weaken from loss of blood his grip failed, and sent him hurling into the car of little Reginald Van Scrote, who screamed like a little girl and died of coronary failure moments before crashing head on into the operating kiosk of the attraction, causing the whole attraction to start ablaze. The canopy of the ride immediately caught fire and began to descend upon all of the trapped children. A large Tibetan Monk leaped from the crowd and with lightening speed tore through the blazing canopy of death and freed most all of the children, little Tommy Horton was left to die in his bumper coffin of doom. As Tommy burst into flame in front of the stunned crowd he screamed "...ask not for whoeth the bell tolls, it tolls for.." and he then exploded into flames. The intense heat of the blazing attraction forced the crowd to retreat, with the exception of a small Asian boy with a limp who was drawn like a moth to a flame, and screamed "Willie O'Dwyer, Jumped in the fire!..." and raced into the flaming wreckage, and was consumed by the raging flames.
Within 55 minutes, the Minnesota State fair Fire Department arrived, from 2 blocks away, and extinguished the embers that had once been the Dilly Dally Bumper Cars. When asked why it took so long for the fire department to arrive , Fire Chief Norm Tournquist replied "KISS MINE!"
See what you missed at the fair today!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
5 People Killed On Opening Day at the 2009 Minnesota State Fair
The Selby-Dale "Kickers for Christ" with Jimmy Krakhorn playing the drum
(Wilmar Kids with nothing to do for the summer marching band)DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY AT THE FAIR...NOT!
Up to par as usual, the 2009 Minnesota State fair has claimed several lives within hours of it's opening. "At least it was better than last year" said fair spokesperson Amanda Hugnkiss of Ely, Minnesota. "According to our records we had some one killed within the first several minutes last year, this year the fair commenced rather peacefully, and the first death did not occur until 54 minutes into the fair."
The first casualty of the fair this year was James Rippafart of Welcome, Minnesota. Apparently James arrived later than he planned to the opening of the fair, and as he wrestled with other fairgoers at the entrance turnstiles, he pushed little Jerry Girkekleinski (from Anoka, Minnesota) into a trash bin, as he squeezed past the small boy. Father of the child Raymond Girkekleinski grabbed Rippafart's shirt collar and attempted to pull him back, however the shirt gave way and Rippafart disappeared into the crowd. Girkekleinski still had the collar of Rippafarts shirt and vowed he would locate the "Motherf***ing Son of a Bitch" once inside. It didn't take long as Girkekleinski spotted Rippafart at "Ole & Lena's Norwegian Delights" scarfing down an "Uff Da Treat". Girkekleinski Grabbed Rippafart and slammed his head into the counter top spraying Krumkake and Hot pecans all over Rippafart. Rippafart then dashed into the street, half blinded with whipped cream from the former treat and right into the oncoming "WKWNTDFTSMB (Wilmar Kids with nothing to do for the summer marching band) parade. Rippafart was pushed down by several of the Wilmar-ites, and trampled mercilessly beneath their feat. Band leader William Morspersen Hollered "Keep Moving...for the LOVE OF GOD, Keep Moving!, and Rippafart was trampelled, drug and kicked to the end of Liggett Ave, at which point the nameless tuba player for the band blasted a shrill note at point blank range in Rippafart's ear, causing his eardrums to explode. Rippafart wandered aimlessly out of the street and into the path of a heard of sheep en route to the sheep barn where he was trampled yet again, and urinated on by two small boys controlling the flock. Dazed and confused, Rippafart stumbled aimlessly into what he thought was a phone booth, but was actually an automated corn shelling machine, and was ripped to pieces and sprayed into a bin in front of many onlookers. One girl cried out "COOOOOOL!"
Several Hours later tragedy struck again, only this time at the opposite end of the fair, as the usual misunderstanding of a situation was illustrated...again. Norman Pankraky (86), of Blaine, Minnesota was peacefully sitting on a bench resting when he heard what he thought were the marching steps of Nazi Storm Troopers. In a knee-jerk reaction, he lept to his feet and startled hurling stones at the source of the noise. It turned out to be the "Selby-Dale Kickers for Christ" who were turning the corner onto Dan Patch Ave. Several of the stones struck the "Kickers" who all just happened to be black, and they assumed that a race riot had begun. Pankraky shouted "NEGROES! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGROOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"and continued throwing stones. One of the small "Kickers" Little Jimmy Krakhorn, was struck with one of the stones and blurted "OH No YOU Did'and!" and raced towards Pankraky and smashed a drum over his head, kicked him in the scrotum and and pulled out a knife screaming "I POKE YOU! I poke you!" and was then wrestled to the ground by two visiting Caputian Monks dressed in white robes. "KLANSMEN! cried Tyrone Jackson of the "Kickers for Christ" and needless to say...All Hell broke loose. "I sees 'dis guy in white grab Jimmy, and so I knows he's gonna kill him, so I pulls out my blade and stick him!" said Jackson. Within Minutes the crowd of fair goers were all ablaze with hate for either Monks, Kickers, retirees, war veterans, or hog farmers. The State fair police were called in two break up the ruckus, but were viewed once again as a threat to the "kickers" which was the equivalent of adding gasoline to an already out of control fire. A small girl was standing by when a man's head landed at her feet, toungue clicking trying to vocalize a phrase when she kicked it like a soccer ball into the lap of 64 year old Ida Brezinski of New Ulm , Minnesota, who had a stroke and dropped on the spot.
After approximately 20 minutes of mayhem the crowd started settling down. Tyrone Jackson, now missing an arm, shouted "Jimmy Krakhorn, Jimmy Krackhorn" while desperately looking for the boy "Where is Jimmy Krakhorn?. When Norman Pankraky yelled "I don't care!"; which instantly was heard by several "Kickers for Christ" as a racial slur in an old slave song; and the whole event rekindled moments later. Seeing that the police and fair officials were having no effect on the crowd. Peter Fromquist of Zumbrota Minnesota, pushed over a large barrel of root beer from a nearby vending stand dowsing the crowd with the sticky liquid and washing several people off their feet, and one man square into a lamppost, cracking open his skull and killing him. Fromquist jumped up on a nearby garbage bin and started screaming "ZUMBROTA! ZUMBROTA!", which many people took as some type of war cry and started pelting him with food. With all of the attention now focussed on Fromquist, the riot dispersed and turned from a squealing mass of hate to the world's largest Mosh pit, carrying Fromquist above their heads and hurling him out of the fairgrounds and onto nearby Como avenue, where he was amazingly not hit by a car...but rather by an amateur clown on a bike selling whirly-gigs, of which one pierced Fromquist's spleen and killing him.
See what you missed at the fair today!
The first casualty of the fair this year was James Rippafart of Welcome, Minnesota. Apparently James arrived later than he planned to the opening of the fair, and as he wrestled with other fairgoers at the entrance turnstiles, he pushed little Jerry Girkekleinski (from Anoka, Minnesota) into a trash bin, as he squeezed past the small boy. Father of the child Raymond Girkekleinski grabbed Rippafart's shirt collar and attempted to pull him back, however the shirt gave way and Rippafart disappeared into the crowd. Girkekleinski still had the collar of Rippafarts shirt and vowed he would locate the "Motherf***ing Son of a Bitch" once inside. It didn't take long as Girkekleinski spotted Rippafart at "Ole & Lena's Norwegian Delights" scarfing down an "Uff Da Treat". Girkekleinski Grabbed Rippafart and slammed his head into the counter top spraying Krumkake and Hot pecans all over Rippafart. Rippafart then dashed into the street, half blinded with whipped cream from the former treat and right into the oncoming "WKWNTDFTSMB (Wilmar Kids with nothing to do for the summer marching band) parade. Rippafart was pushed down by several of the Wilmar-ites, and trampled mercilessly beneath their feat. Band leader William Morspersen Hollered "Keep Moving...for the LOVE OF GOD, Keep Moving!, and Rippafart was trampelled, drug and kicked to the end of Liggett Ave, at which point the nameless tuba player for the band blasted a shrill note at point blank range in Rippafart's ear, causing his eardrums to explode. Rippafart wandered aimlessly out of the street and into the path of a heard of sheep en route to the sheep barn where he was trampled yet again, and urinated on by two small boys controlling the flock. Dazed and confused, Rippafart stumbled aimlessly into what he thought was a phone booth, but was actually an automated corn shelling machine, and was ripped to pieces and sprayed into a bin in front of many onlookers. One girl cried out "COOOOOOL!"
Several Hours later tragedy struck again, only this time at the opposite end of the fair, as the usual misunderstanding of a situation was illustrated...again. Norman Pankraky (86), of Blaine, Minnesota was peacefully sitting on a bench resting when he heard what he thought were the marching steps of Nazi Storm Troopers. In a knee-jerk reaction, he lept to his feet and startled hurling stones at the source of the noise. It turned out to be the "Selby-Dale Kickers for Christ" who were turning the corner onto Dan Patch Ave. Several of the stones struck the "Kickers" who all just happened to be black, and they assumed that a race riot had begun. Pankraky shouted "NEGROES! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGROOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"and continued throwing stones. One of the small "Kickers" Little Jimmy Krakhorn, was struck with one of the stones and blurted "OH No YOU Did'and!" and raced towards Pankraky and smashed a drum over his head, kicked him in the scrotum and and pulled out a knife screaming "I POKE YOU! I poke you!" and was then wrestled to the ground by two visiting Caputian Monks dressed in white robes. "KLANSMEN! cried Tyrone Jackson of the "Kickers for Christ" and needless to say...All Hell broke loose. "I sees 'dis guy in white grab Jimmy, and so I knows he's gonna kill him, so I pulls out my blade and stick him!" said Jackson. Within Minutes the crowd of fair goers were all ablaze with hate for either Monks, Kickers, retirees, war veterans, or hog farmers. The State fair police were called in two break up the ruckus, but were viewed once again as a threat to the "kickers" which was the equivalent of adding gasoline to an already out of control fire. A small girl was standing by when a man's head landed at her feet, toungue clicking trying to vocalize a phrase when she kicked it like a soccer ball into the lap of 64 year old Ida Brezinski of New Ulm , Minnesota, who had a stroke and dropped on the spot.
After approximately 20 minutes of mayhem the crowd started settling down. Tyrone Jackson, now missing an arm, shouted "Jimmy Krakhorn, Jimmy Krackhorn" while desperately looking for the boy "Where is Jimmy Krakhorn?. When Norman Pankraky yelled "I don't care!"; which instantly was heard by several "Kickers for Christ" as a racial slur in an old slave song; and the whole event rekindled moments later. Seeing that the police and fair officials were having no effect on the crowd. Peter Fromquist of Zumbrota Minnesota, pushed over a large barrel of root beer from a nearby vending stand dowsing the crowd with the sticky liquid and washing several people off their feet, and one man square into a lamppost, cracking open his skull and killing him. Fromquist jumped up on a nearby garbage bin and started screaming "ZUMBROTA! ZUMBROTA!", which many people took as some type of war cry and started pelting him with food. With all of the attention now focussed on Fromquist, the riot dispersed and turned from a squealing mass of hate to the world's largest Mosh pit, carrying Fromquist above their heads and hurling him out of the fairgrounds and onto nearby Como avenue, where he was amazingly not hit by a car...but rather by an amateur clown on a bike selling whirly-gigs, of which one pierced Fromquist's spleen and killing him.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
CARNIES PREPARE FOR 12 Days OF BLISS!
Nomadic Carnie Ronnie Applejack working hard during set up in the Midway of the 2009 Minnesota State fair
CARNIES PREPARE FOR 12 Days OF BLISS!
It’s finally here, The Minnesota State fair 2009, will begin tomorrow morning at 6:00 am. That is if you aren’t a Carnie, if you were, you started the fair 5 days ago as Royal American Shows and Todd Bubberoof Amusements pulled into town… Literally, they were pulled into town. It seems that somehow the Minnesota State fair Comission (MSFC), booked 2 separate contractors to occupy the Midway at the same time for 2009. For the past 56 years, Royal American Shows has been the contracted amusement provider for the Minnesota state fair, however this year Ronnie Applejack of the “Hodad Cream & Pickle Puppet CompanY” claims to have been the choice for the first time in the nearly 60 year run. “I gawtst it right here..in ‘ritin’” said Applejack, who quickly produced a contract that was written on the back of a Clover Leaf Dairy milk carton in orange Crayon.”It saith’ rite hea’ that we is the guys to do all da shows and get th’ money! That’s a lot a loot! I ain’t give’n up that much Loot, to some other guys!” Jack Kracinkopfister of Royal American shows commented “Ya Gotta’ Be F**kin’ Kidding! Who the Hell are these F**king A**holes, and why the F**ck are the in our goddam Midway!” after which he swung a rusty pipe and hit Applejack square in the face. Applejack, laughing and spitting blood retaliated by flinging sand and loose broken glass into Kracinkopfister eyes, and kicked him directly in the crotch with a steel toed boot, causing Kracinkopfister to drop into the fetal position and writhe on the hot asphalt in pain. “C,mon guy’th lets get this plathe thet up!” cried Applejack to his crew …to which he heard no response. Looking around Applejack realized that he was the only member of his troop present. When asked where his traveling group of Carnies were he replied “F**k, I dunno!!” Moments later an unusually fat midget with 5 legs and the head of squirrel ran up to Applejack and blurted out something garbled which had no resemblance to English or any other documented language. Applejack picked up the midget, and in his anger, threw him/her through the windshield of an oncoming car on Snelling Avenue. The midget was rocketed into the air over the education building where he was greeted with about 15 rounds of pheasant shot from the nearby “Help for Homeless Hunters” members who were squatting across the street illegally parking cars in peoples yards at random and collecting money. It was later determined that the midget was a messenger from Applejack’s troop informing him that his cavalcade had broken down right outside of Burnsville and needed assistance in getting to the fair. Apparently what happened next is still not clear, but was reported that Applejack in a fit of rage ran screaming through the streets of the fairgrounds like a Comanche Indian, and wetting himself several times. After running out of the west end of the fairgrounds, Applejack located a bus paused momentarily at a traffic light, he kicked in the door and threw the driver into the street and urinated on him. He then threw the bus into gear and drove off, screaming madly, as he departed. The former bus driver leapt to his feet and was immediately struck by a “Snowboy Apples” delivery truck and killed.
Applejack, located his wayward troop of miscreants, and using bailing wire, chewing gum, and random pieces of clothing, tied all of their vehicles together into a make-shift train. He then commanded all of the occupants of the stolen bus to disembark and get into 2 straight lines. As the passengers gradually unloaded from the bus they each headed in different directions , walking in circles and falling down. It was at this point that Applejack realized that inscription painted on the bus read “Gorbinki’s Home for Crippled Blind Deaf and Happy Children”. Applejack rounded up the wandering tikes strapped them into harnesses made of rubber bands, glue and twine, and made them pull the piecemeal train from Burnsville all the way to the Minnesota state Fair ground. As to avoid any possible negative publicity, Applejack used side streets, alleys, and in several cases lawns and driveways, as his route to the fairgrounds.
Upon arrival, Applejack found that his rival, Royal American Shows had already set up their attractions and 90 % of the Midway, leaving no room for Applejack’s purveyors of fun and amusement. Upon viewing this scene Applejack, lept down from the roof of the bus from where he was controlling the conscripted children, and landed in a pile of broken glass, steel, and wreckage that had formerly been the “Tooty Time Tumbles Glass House” from last years fair. Applejack was pulled from the wreckage by the crippled children and in an amazing display of unification, was bound, gagged, kicked and rolled to Dan Patch avenue, where he was doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze. He was then shoved down the street into the midway where all Carnies were allowed to kick, poke, and punch his burned flesh. When all amusement had been exhausted from the event, he was pushed into the sun and discarded like a large ball of refuse. The kidnapped children were quickly herded up, loaded and locked in a trailer and sold to a nomadic band of traveling “Mormons for Jesus” on their way to a Prayer-fest in Alberta, Canada. Applejack was later unbound and forced to work as a restroom attendant sanitizing the floor and fixtures with his tongue.
The remainder of Applejack’s traveling band of carnies were sold to Royal American shows by a homeless black man for a couple bottles of gin, and were forced to take the place of the stolen children that had been sold recently before to the Mormons, resulting in a loss of around $34.98, however the RAS carnies weren’t worried about the financial debacle, as they were fairly confident that they would make up for the difference within the first 3 minutes of the fair, from the rigged “Flip-the Frog” game at the entrance to the Midway.
See what you missed by not being at the fair Before it started!
Applejack, located his wayward troop of miscreants, and using bailing wire, chewing gum, and random pieces of clothing, tied all of their vehicles together into a make-shift train. He then commanded all of the occupants of the stolen bus to disembark and get into 2 straight lines. As the passengers gradually unloaded from the bus they each headed in different directions , walking in circles and falling down. It was at this point that Applejack realized that inscription painted on the bus read “Gorbinki’s Home for Crippled Blind Deaf and Happy Children”. Applejack rounded up the wandering tikes strapped them into harnesses made of rubber bands, glue and twine, and made them pull the piecemeal train from Burnsville all the way to the Minnesota state Fair ground. As to avoid any possible negative publicity, Applejack used side streets, alleys, and in several cases lawns and driveways, as his route to the fairgrounds.
Upon arrival, Applejack found that his rival, Royal American Shows had already set up their attractions and 90 % of the Midway, leaving no room for Applejack’s purveyors of fun and amusement. Upon viewing this scene Applejack, lept down from the roof of the bus from where he was controlling the conscripted children, and landed in a pile of broken glass, steel, and wreckage that had formerly been the “Tooty Time Tumbles Glass House” from last years fair. Applejack was pulled from the wreckage by the crippled children and in an amazing display of unification, was bound, gagged, kicked and rolled to Dan Patch avenue, where he was doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze. He was then shoved down the street into the midway where all Carnies were allowed to kick, poke, and punch his burned flesh. When all amusement had been exhausted from the event, he was pushed into the sun and discarded like a large ball of refuse. The kidnapped children were quickly herded up, loaded and locked in a trailer and sold to a nomadic band of traveling “Mormons for Jesus” on their way to a Prayer-fest in Alberta, Canada. Applejack was later unbound and forced to work as a restroom attendant sanitizing the floor and fixtures with his tongue.
The remainder of Applejack’s traveling band of carnies were sold to Royal American shows by a homeless black man for a couple bottles of gin, and were forced to take the place of the stolen children that had been sold recently before to the Mormons, resulting in a loss of around $34.98, however the RAS carnies weren’t worried about the financial debacle, as they were fairly confident that they would make up for the difference within the first 3 minutes of the fair, from the rigged “Flip-the Frog” game at the entrance to the Midway.
See what you missed by not being at the fair Before it started!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
State Fair Quik-Quips
"HA HA HA KIDS! Fooled Ya! This ride is REALLY called "PSYCHOTIC CLOWN OF DEATH" ...Not "Bambi's Playful Meadow"!
BAN FROM THE FAIR THIS YEAR...AGAIN!
For those of you who have never had the experience of trying “Nitro-Cream” at the fair, you will not get the chance to do so this year either. Brothers Tom and Erskin Garchunkski, of Blaine, Minnesota have once again been ban at the fair for 2009. The two simple brothers from the Northeast Twin Cities Suburb have repeatedly pitched the idea of their “Nitro-Cream” as a vended product at the fair. “They (Fair Approval Commission) have a thing against polyester shirts” said Erskin. “We spent all the money we had to invest on our flashy apparel, and had no money left for product presentation or research for that matter”. When the MSFC (Minnesota State Fair Commission) was approached as to the validity of their reason of refusal, spokesperson Vidalia Jones stated “ We ain’t jus’ lettin’ in any F***in’ moron that thinks they have a produc’ ta sell!...Sh*t! Those two F***ers wanted to sell that nasty Sludge here for ‘da las’ Four years! I wouldn” let my Crippled, One eyed, Tailless, retarded dog eat ‘dat Sh*t! F***!” When the brothers were approached about the ingredients in their product Tom Garchunski stated “It’s all natural! We found this big pool of white foamy stuff near the gravel pit by the cement works out behind the Shoreview Armory, and mixed it with sand, tree bark chips, steel mesh wire, brake fluid and valspar white paint. All these ingredients are locally grown! What more natural products can one get??!” When we told the brothers that what they had just described their product contents as being more industrial waste than natural Minnesota Agricultural yield, Erskin Commented “SHRIMP!” and went quiet. When asked why they did not at least try to make their product appealing, Erskin stated that they could not find a source that could supply them with any committed amount of either ice cream cones or plastic bowls. We later found that their source of inquest was from “Bob’s Freezy’Cone” off Hi-Way 10, that went out of business back in 1961. “They never returned our calls” stated Tom. So we had no choice but to use “recycled” containers that we found on the sides of the road, in garbage cans, from the bottom of the lake, and other places we frequent. Last year was better said Erskin, We had found several sleeves of plastic cups from “Zapata Mexican Restaurants”, with this really cool lookin’ hopped up Mexican guy with guns on them.So once again an entrepreneur’s dream has been dashed by the almighty MSFC, but the brothers were not the only ones turned away this year, also refused were the vendors of Cattail soup, paper-mache spaghetti, fiberglass peanut brittle (on a stick), Pig Scrotum (on a stick), LACT-ADE, dental floss pudding, Torsk-ini, Walleye Smoothy and Authentic Leprechaun Legs (the real thing). So keep in mind as you partake of the abundance of tasty treats of the Concessionaires, that high above you a force much smarter and greater than you is looking down upon the APPROVED snacks and thinking…”Son of a bitch! They are putting in their mouths what I wouldn’t hold in my HAND!”
…Only 4 days until MiNNESOTA STATE FAIR 2009! What are you going to miss this YEAR??!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wayward Band Screams "State Fair or Bust!"
After nearly one year of being Absent from the hallowed grounds of the Minnesota state fair, The "Pig's Eye Jass Band" has started their harrowing trip across the state in order to arrive in time for the first parade on Opening Day of the Minnesota State Fair. "De Fair Dudn't Open For A few Weeks Ya' Know; and we t'ink 'dis will give us a plenty time to git d'ere for da' firs' parade" reported "Big" Wally Rothschild, of Hackensack, Minnesota. The band whos has been performing at various functions around the state since 1961, has decided that the fair needs their presence in order to keep that wholesome Minnesota attitude in place. "I t'ink dis place has turned into a Cesspoole of disgrace and carnage over de past few years...an' I plan to show 'da folks what a real fair is suppose to provide!" said Rothschild.
The band, who derived their name from both their occupation as a band of social miscreants, and their unhealthy worship of Mel Jass formerly of "Mel's Matinee" on WTCN 11, plans to commute in their hand crafted stage wagon from Hackensac to the Twin cities over the next few weeks. "We got it all fig'red out, spoke Ida Kissamyass, of nearby Walker, Minnesota. "We will have 'da boys pullin da wagon tr'u da back roads and drainage ditches, as well as posted property and land so dat we can arrive in time for da fair. We have mounted a special hose on da front a da cart so dat if any of us starts fallin' asleep, we can spray dem with a supply of goat urine dat we have in da tanks near da back o da cart."
If we calculated properly, we should arrive in Falcon Heights on September 12th,2009. If we find we are running slow, we'll just start sprayin' da hose at each other until we make up the time, said Rothschild.
We are all wishing the band a great deal of luck on their journey, but figure that there will be quite a few dehydrated goats along the way; being that the fair ends on September 7 this year. We could have told them that they will have to adjust their schedule for their lack of planning correctly...but what fun would that be???
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