2 Die at Fair After Hero Debacle
Local Teen Ron Passumgas moments before the attack
"It happened so quickly that no one was aware that the publicity stunt designed to amuse had just turned into a carnival of carnage!" said Jerry Skizak from Zumbrota, Minnesota, a self proclaimed literary genius. However even though Jerry is a plain community simpleton, he was correct in the fact that this stunt had gone amazingly wrong.
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
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