Crazed Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage,MN "feels his hate" as he pummells Sesame Street's Elmo to death
In a hideous display of Malice, the beloved Sesame Street character "Elmo" was brutally bludgeoned to death today at the fair. It all started when 54 year old Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage Minnesota, was minding his own business eating a bowl of leprechaun legs, when some social malcontent teens walked by and snooged in his lunch. "How's your COBB Salad Old Man" sneered one of the teens, and laughed. A second teen picked up some gravel from the ground and tossed it into Snivvelbottoms face and retorted "I think you need more FIBER!", and with that pushed a third teen vigorously into Snivvelbottom causing him to spill his Fairchild Float all over himself. The teen then lost his footing, tumbled over Snivvelbottoms back and struck his own head on an exposed rusty iron post killing him instantly. A large dog then rushed up to the dead teen and began chewing off his face, before being deterred by Snivvelbottom. "Get away from that corpse Reginald, yelled Snivvelbottom. The remaining two teens then drug their former friend out into the street and commenced kicking him repeatedly screaming "Get up you F***ing Baby! C'mon Steven!" As Snivvelbottom started to rise from his seat at the picnic table, a small child Emilia Farfruckessisian, of Cass lake, MN hobbled up to him and dispensed a splitting air horn blast directly into his ear, causing Snivvelbottom to scream wildly tumble over backwards and into a fresh pile of Dog Stool (assumable from his own dog "Reginald"). It was at this point that all hell seemed to break loose. Snivvelbottom, clutching his head and spinning wildly down Dan Patch Avenue, eventually ended up behind the Culligan water tent where he located a circus mallet used prior to erect the tent. He ran glaze eyed into the street swinging the mallet at anyone within reach, hitting several Buddhist Monks, two Jews for Jesus Representatives, and numerous Hari Krishna’s, all gathered in the middle of the street for a silent protest against the use of plastic shoelace tips for fuel. Nearby the special guest interview at the KDWB info booth was International Child Superstar "Elmo" of the Children's Television Workshop show Sesame Street. Elmo had just finished a live interview and was heading off with his entourage towards the Grandstand for a KMSP "Live at the Fair" interview, when Snivvelbottom came whirling like a dervish through the crowd and smacking Elmo with the mallet. Elmo sailed into the air, and dropped down straight down back in front of Snivvelbottom who began repeatedly pounding the red puppet deeper and deeper into the ground , all the while screaming "7-up, 7-up. 7-up". A stunned crowd gathered around Snivvelbottom as he pulped the puppet with the mallet. Moments later a large clown emerged from the crowd and with a garden hose and quickly wrapped it around Snivvelbottoms neck and pulled it tight. Gasping for air Snivvelbottom dropped the mallet, and started groping for the hose, the clown started cackling gleefully pulling all the tighter until Snivvelbottoms head popped off his body and sailed into the onlookers, who all started kicking the discolored head around like a soccer ball. John Scrotegrabber of Clontarf, Minnesota then kicked the head with intense speed driving it directly into the crotch of squealing clown causing him to double over into the mud and was repeatedly kicked by fairgoers. Scrotegrabber, being a small town opportunist, quickly grabbed a box of crayons from a small child, tore off his shirt and made a banner reading "Kick the Fat-Ass clown to death - 25 cents". Within moments Scrotegrabber was raking in so much money the state fair police whisked him and his bags earnings to safety from potential ne’er-do-wells.
The fair police then returned to the scene and drug the lifeless body of the clown as well as the headless corpse of Snivvelbottom off the street and behind the "Ye Olde Mill attraction" and propped them up in the sun.
"As ruckuses go..., commented Fair Commissioner Ron Goatshead "this one seemed to be one of the crowd’s favorites this year!"
It was later on that day that newly made millionaire John Scrotegrabber was found penniless, and unconscious leaning against a dumpster behind the state fair police office, and also propped up in the sun.
See what you missed at the fair today!
The lifeless body of CTW's "Elmo" lay on a Blue Bunny Ice Cream Bucket after it was retrieved from an 8 foot hole near the Grandstand.
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