STATE FAIR MASCOT GOES BERSERK; KILLS CHILD

FAIRCHILD FLIPS OUT AND SMOTHERS SMALL CHILD AT FAIR

Little Amanda Pickensnott of Belle Plain Minnesota Taunts Fairchild

Once again another senseless death occurred today at the Great Minnesota get Together, when State fair Mascot "Fairchild" went berserk and smothered little Amanda Pickensnott of Belle Plaine, Minnesota. According to a homeless Indian wandering through the fairgrounds, Amanda was sitting on the curb when she saw Fairchild. Upon seeing the giant rodent, she started screaming and throwing garbage at him. "You Lousy F***king piece of Crap!" shouted Amanda. "You said you were going to bring me a bike...and a pony...and a new Barbie..." Apparently Amanda had confused Fairchild with Santa Clause, and was taking out her disappointments from Christmas at his expense. As Fairchild tried to calm the child, she reached between the rodents legs and grabbed his testicles, squeezing as hard as she could Amanda shouted "GIVE ME MY F****ING PONY! NOW!" "Fairchild squealed like a Pig" reported Julio Gonzalez of Blue Earth, MN. Amanda then started kicking Fairchild as he lay in the street, then ran over to a nearby Pickle on a stick vendor, stole a pickle and threw it into the crowd, reserving the stick and began stabbing Fairchild repeatedly with the blunt shard of wood. It was at this point Fairchild rolled onto his feet and grabbed Amanda pulling her close to his bloody chest and forcing her face into his soiled fur. Kicking and screaming Amanda tried to escape, however several bystanders quickly ran to the child and aided Fairchild in smothering her, by shoving her face deeper and harder into Fairchild's belly. Within a few minutes, the spoiled child lay dead at Fairchild's feet. As a crowd gathered around Fairchild immediately went into a psychotic dance, stomping around the child and making high pitched squealing noises, and occasionally spitting up blood. The fair police arrived approximately 35 minutes later in time to disperse the crowd and take Fairchild to the State fair infirmary, where he was treated for puncture wounds and dehydration from vomiting excessively inside his suit.
Meanwhile the "Cloggers for Christ" who were having a show in the same venue, kicked Amanda's lifeless corpse to the curb and went on to perform interpretive dance to "just a closer walk with thee".
Several other officers arrived later and picked up little Amanda's body and drug it into the sun. "She smells like urine" said one of the officers, and walked away.

See what you missed at the fair today

Fairchild squeezing the life out of his assailant moments before her death