Pig's Eye Jass Band Arrives at Fair
After weeks of being totally forgotten about, the Pig's Eye Jass Band rolled into Falcon Heights and the Minnesota state fair grounds at 6:45 PM on Labor Day. The easily overlooked fair attraction wasn't missed by anyone for the most part, with the exception of Little Tommy Bobick of Red Wing Minnesota who has been the only fan of the band for all 34 years of his life. Bobick, a Minnesota simpleton has tried to attend every concert and appearance that the Pig's eye cluster of musicians has presented, with the exception of only a few occasions; one was when Bobick fell down a mine shaft in Duluth and was not found for 6 days, and the other was when he had an incurable case of diarrhea.
Spokesperson for the band "Big" Wally Rothschild commented on their arrival " It was goin' great up until Burnsville, when we heard about a group of highwaymen ambushing carnival acts and making 'dem slaves!" We figur'd we'd alter our route and headed toward Hudson, Wisconsin and make a roundabout loop via Thief River Falls, and swing in from 'dat way." This action of course caused the band to drift off of their path and schedule significantly, which as one may recall was totally ludicrous to begin with, but seemed par for the course for these misguided worshippers of a former TV matinee movie spokesperson.
Upon arrival at the fair, the band was greeted with a hearty welcome of garbage, spoiled cheese curds, rotten fruit, and animal excrement, gathered from the local barns. To aide in the welcome, a local clown named "Testiclees", walked in front of the band's float and urinated all over the band, onlookers and himself. A few elderly men leaped from the crowd and ambushed the clown, beating him repeatedly with their canes, yardsticks and one monkey on a stick. Testiclees was then forced to drink scalding lemonade and forced to eat 6 pounds of rancid tom thumb donuts, before being drug by his underpants through the restrooms of the beer garden and deposited into a dumpster filled with medical waste from the First Aid Tent. The State fair police later rescued the pungent harlequin, beat him senseless and then drug him into the sun.
As the band neared the end of Judson Avenue, Second trumpet player, Lila Pikamabutt, of Sauk Center stood up and started clutching her chest. Two youths from the crowd thought she was taking a bow, and pelted her with large rocks they had stolen from the "Geology of Minnesota" display earlier. A large Taconite tailing , struck Pikamybutt in the head and she dropped from the platform onto the hot street asphalt. "I'm having a 'throke!" cried Pickamybutt, as she grasped in the air for help, but was instead met by 5 hungry wild dogs and ripped to pieces on the tarmac.
"Big" Wally Rothschild screamed like a little girl and jumped from the rolling platform, fracturing his leg and became the second object of affection of the wild dogs, who promptly tore into him, leaving pieces of Pickamybutt strewn all over Judson avenue. Rothschild was able to clammer his way back onto the platform, however he had sacrifice his legs to the pack for his escape. The dogs then ran off into the crowd and later disappeared in a whole in the fence.
As Rothschild lay immobilized on the Pig's Eye Platform, he stated "Maybe next year we'll fill our Goat urine cannon with more liquid and make better time!" then vomited and passed out.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Spokesperson for the band "Big" Wally Rothschild commented on their arrival " It was goin' great up until Burnsville, when we heard about a group of highwaymen ambushing carnival acts and making 'dem slaves!" We figur'd we'd alter our route and headed toward Hudson, Wisconsin and make a roundabout loop via Thief River Falls, and swing in from 'dat way." This action of course caused the band to drift off of their path and schedule significantly, which as one may recall was totally ludicrous to begin with, but seemed par for the course for these misguided worshippers of a former TV matinee movie spokesperson.
Upon arrival at the fair, the band was greeted with a hearty welcome of garbage, spoiled cheese curds, rotten fruit, and animal excrement, gathered from the local barns. To aide in the welcome, a local clown named "Testiclees", walked in front of the band's float and urinated all over the band, onlookers and himself. A few elderly men leaped from the crowd and ambushed the clown, beating him repeatedly with their canes, yardsticks and one monkey on a stick. Testiclees was then forced to drink scalding lemonade and forced to eat 6 pounds of rancid tom thumb donuts, before being drug by his underpants through the restrooms of the beer garden and deposited into a dumpster filled with medical waste from the First Aid Tent. The State fair police later rescued the pungent harlequin, beat him senseless and then drug him into the sun.
As the band neared the end of Judson Avenue, Second trumpet player, Lila Pikamabutt, of Sauk Center stood up and started clutching her chest. Two youths from the crowd thought she was taking a bow, and pelted her with large rocks they had stolen from the "Geology of Minnesota" display earlier. A large Taconite tailing , struck Pikamybutt in the head and she dropped from the platform onto the hot street asphalt. "I'm having a 'throke!" cried Pickamybutt, as she grasped in the air for help, but was instead met by 5 hungry wild dogs and ripped to pieces on the tarmac.
"Big" Wally Rothschild screamed like a little girl and jumped from the rolling platform, fracturing his leg and became the second object of affection of the wild dogs, who promptly tore into him, leaving pieces of Pickamybutt strewn all over Judson avenue. Rothschild was able to clammer his way back onto the platform, however he had sacrifice his legs to the pack for his escape. The dogs then ran off into the crowd and later disappeared in a whole in the fence.
As Rothschild lay immobilized on the Pig's Eye Platform, he stated "Maybe next year we'll fill our Goat urine cannon with more liquid and make better time!" then vomited and passed out.
See what you missed at the fair today!
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