Carnie Goes Crazy and Kills!
See what you missed at the fair today!
It was one of the most exciting days at the Minnesota state fair today, and as a result, one of the deadliest. A total of 10 fair patrons met death face to face in a bizarre set of circumstances, all linked to one another in a curious chain of events.
The carnage began in the 4-H building when Theresa Clusterfug of Elk River Minnesota tried to place a paper crown on 17 year old Gerald Babinski of Montevideo, Minnesota. "The kid went Bazoik!" said a toothless old woman in a babushka. "She placed this paper crown on da kids head and (sputum) he started flailing around wildly (drool)." Apparently Clusterfug not only had placed the crown on the head of the visitor, but along with it...a Peruvian bronco ball buster spider. The spider, trapped between the head band and the teen's skull immediately started boring into the victims scalp, screaming wildly, Babinski tried to remove the crown as fast as he was able, however Clusterfug kept pressing it back tighter onto his head. "Get it off you F***ing Bitch!" screamed the teen in the discourse of adolescent coloquialism. "You’re King for a day! cried Clusterfug "and you MUST wear the crown!" In his desperation Babinski grabbed a hold of a passing Hispanic man carrying a large machete, and tore the oversize knife from his belt. Wasting no time, Babinski quickly lopped off the head of Clusterfug, and let her body flail wildly like a decapitated chicken. Clusterfug's head sailed through the air and landed in the awaiting lap of John Grossheimer of Jordan, Minnesota. 69 year old Grossheimer, hollered "A finally Gawt A Head in Life" and started laughing uncontrollably, swallowing his false teeth and choking to death within seconds. Meanwhile a group of "Lazarus Testifies Amongst Us" members, grabbed hold of the flailing body of Clusterfug and ran off through the crowd chanting "Be Healed! Be Healed!" Unbeknownst to a nearby group of picnicking "Monks for Spam" the LTAU (Lazarus sect), fell into the middle of the monks three legged race. Not understanding the rules one of the LTAU members , grabbed a large Bowie knife from one of the monks and cut his own leg off with it in order to be fair. The bleeding LTAU member naturally dropped to the ground, impaling himself on the oversized knife and was trampled by the other monks in the race. As the LTAU member with one leg lay bleeding, a small child broke free of his leash and grabbed the disembodied leg and ran off with it squealing with joy and gnawing on the limb. As the nameless, one legged LTAU member tried to drag himself to safety three misguided youths descended upon him, rolled him over and forced him to eat a concoction of Elmer's Wall board paste mixed with carpet tacks and broken glass, after which they heaved his body into a nearby running display of a corn Sheller, which instantly pulped the LTAU members body. The state fair policy were seen chasing after the other LTAU members who still had the headless body of Clusterfug, as they raced into the Midway.
"I couldn't tell what was happening..." spoke Harley Gribblepop of Cannon Falls, Minnesota"...I was playin' Flip-a-frog when I sees 'dese kids running by with what looked like a headless corpse of a woman. I didn't really pay attention, cuz I was real close to flippin' the frog!". As is appears, the LTAU's ran into the "Side show of Freaks" tent and tried selling the headless corpse of Clusterfug to Randy "Scabs" Geezik of Royal American Shows, to use in the "Freak Tent". "Gait' That Smailey Thang out'a my Taint! cried Geezik and picked up a large butcher knife and cut the heads off the three remaining LTAU members. Laughing uncontrollably Geezik, grabbed a nearby Tent Mallet, and played croquet with the heads using the lifeless LTAU bodies along with Clusterfugs corpse as wickets in his perverse game. Without realizing who was behind him, Geezik swung the mallet back behind him striking "Zupan the Great" directly between the eyes and dropping the bedazzled Swami to the ground...dead. A small boy ran screaming into the tent and ran a large pike blade through Geezik screaming "No More canned hams!", before tripping over Zupan's corpse and falling upon an unattended sword from Jimmy Bob the Sword Swallower's rack of pain.
When all was over, Spokesperson for the fair Myra Bkljfdkdfmvjjnm, told the press "Ya' know, next year we are really going to have to think about the intelligence of having a special "Bring a large knife to the fair and get a dollar off" promotion.
The carnage began in the 4-H building when Theresa Clusterfug of Elk River Minnesota tried to place a paper crown on 17 year old Gerald Babinski of Montevideo, Minnesota. "The kid went Bazoik!" said a toothless old woman in a babushka. "She placed this paper crown on da kids head and (sputum) he started flailing around wildly (drool)." Apparently Clusterfug not only had placed the crown on the head of the visitor, but along with it...a Peruvian bronco ball buster spider. The spider, trapped between the head band and the teen's skull immediately started boring into the victims scalp, screaming wildly, Babinski tried to remove the crown as fast as he was able, however Clusterfug kept pressing it back tighter onto his head. "Get it off you F***ing Bitch!" screamed the teen in the discourse of adolescent coloquialism. "You’re King for a day! cried Clusterfug "and you MUST wear the crown!" In his desperation Babinski grabbed a hold of a passing Hispanic man carrying a large machete, and tore the oversize knife from his belt. Wasting no time, Babinski quickly lopped off the head of Clusterfug, and let her body flail wildly like a decapitated chicken. Clusterfug's head sailed through the air and landed in the awaiting lap of John Grossheimer of Jordan, Minnesota. 69 year old Grossheimer, hollered "A finally Gawt A Head in Life" and started laughing uncontrollably, swallowing his false teeth and choking to death within seconds. Meanwhile a group of "Lazarus Testifies Amongst Us" members, grabbed hold of the flailing body of Clusterfug and ran off through the crowd chanting "Be Healed! Be Healed!" Unbeknownst to a nearby group of picnicking "Monks for Spam" the LTAU (Lazarus sect), fell into the middle of the monks three legged race. Not understanding the rules one of the LTAU members , grabbed a large Bowie knife from one of the monks and cut his own leg off with it in order to be fair. The bleeding LTAU member naturally dropped to the ground, impaling himself on the oversized knife and was trampled by the other monks in the race. As the LTAU member with one leg lay bleeding, a small child broke free of his leash and grabbed the disembodied leg and ran off with it squealing with joy and gnawing on the limb. As the nameless, one legged LTAU member tried to drag himself to safety three misguided youths descended upon him, rolled him over and forced him to eat a concoction of Elmer's Wall board paste mixed with carpet tacks and broken glass, after which they heaved his body into a nearby running display of a corn Sheller, which instantly pulped the LTAU members body. The state fair policy were seen chasing after the other LTAU members who still had the headless body of Clusterfug, as they raced into the Midway.
"I couldn't tell what was happening..." spoke Harley Gribblepop of Cannon Falls, Minnesota"...I was playin' Flip-a-frog when I sees 'dese kids running by with what looked like a headless corpse of a woman. I didn't really pay attention, cuz I was real close to flippin' the frog!". As is appears, the LTAU's ran into the "Side show of Freaks" tent and tried selling the headless corpse of Clusterfug to Randy "Scabs" Geezik of Royal American Shows, to use in the "Freak Tent". "Gait' That Smailey Thang out'a my Taint! cried Geezik and picked up a large butcher knife and cut the heads off the three remaining LTAU members. Laughing uncontrollably Geezik, grabbed a nearby Tent Mallet, and played croquet with the heads using the lifeless LTAU bodies along with Clusterfugs corpse as wickets in his perverse game. Without realizing who was behind him, Geezik swung the mallet back behind him striking "Zupan the Great" directly between the eyes and dropping the bedazzled Swami to the ground...dead. A small boy ran screaming into the tent and ran a large pike blade through Geezik screaming "No More canned hams!", before tripping over Zupan's corpse and falling upon an unattended sword from Jimmy Bob the Sword Swallower's rack of pain.
When all was over, Spokesperson for the fair Myra Bkljfdkdfmvjjnm, told the press "Ya' know, next year we are really going to have to think about the intelligence of having a special "Bring a large knife to the fair and get a dollar off" promotion.
Babinski was raced off to Saint Paul Ramsey Hospital for treatment of the boring spider in his head and was pronounced DOA.
See what you missed at the fair today!
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