Nomadic Carnie Ronnie Applejack working hard during set up in the Midway of the 2009 Minnesota State fair
CARNIES PREPARE FOR 12 Days OF BLISS!
It’s finally here, The Minnesota State fair 2009, will begin tomorrow morning at 6:00 am. That is if you aren’t a Carnie, if you were, you started the fair 5 days ago as Royal American Shows and Todd Bubberoof Amusements pulled into town… Literally, they were pulled into town. It seems that somehow the Minnesota State fair Comission (MSFC), booked 2 separate contractors to occupy the Midway at the same time for 2009. For the past 56 years, Royal American Shows has been the contracted amusement provider for the Minnesota state fair, however this year Ronnie Applejack of the “Hodad Cream & Pickle Puppet CompanY” claims to have been the choice for the first time in the nearly 60 year run. “I gawtst it right here..in ‘ritin’” said Applejack, who quickly produced a contract that was written on the back of a Clover Leaf Dairy milk carton in orange Crayon.”It saith’ rite hea’ that we is the guys to do all da shows and get th’ money! That’s a lot a loot! I ain’t give’n up that much Loot, to some other guys!” Jack Kracinkopfister of Royal American shows commented “Ya Gotta’ Be F**kin’ Kidding! Who the Hell are these F**king A**holes, and why the F**ck are the in our goddam Midway!” after which he swung a rusty pipe and hit Applejack square in the face. Applejack, laughing and spitting blood retaliated by flinging sand and loose broken glass into Kracinkopfister eyes, and kicked him directly in the crotch with a steel toed boot, causing Kracinkopfister to drop into the fetal position and writhe on the hot asphalt in pain. “C,mon guy’th lets get this plathe thet up!” cried Applejack to his crew …to which he heard no response. Looking around Applejack realized that he was the only member of his troop present. When asked where his traveling group of Carnies were he replied “F**k, I dunno!!” Moments later an unusually fat midget with 5 legs and the head of squirrel ran up to Applejack and blurted out something garbled which had no resemblance to English or any other documented language. Applejack picked up the midget, and in his anger, threw him/her through the windshield of an oncoming car on Snelling Avenue. The midget was rocketed into the air over the education building where he was greeted with about 15 rounds of pheasant shot from the nearby “Help for Homeless Hunters” members who were squatting across the street illegally parking cars in peoples yards at random and collecting money. It was later determined that the midget was a messenger from Applejack’s troop informing him that his cavalcade had broken down right outside of Burnsville and needed assistance in getting to the fair. Apparently what happened next is still not clear, but was reported that Applejack in a fit of rage ran screaming through the streets of the fairgrounds like a Comanche Indian, and wetting himself several times. After running out of the west end of the fairgrounds, Applejack located a bus paused momentarily at a traffic light, he kicked in the door and threw the driver into the street and urinated on him. He then threw the bus into gear and drove off, screaming madly, as he departed. The former bus driver leapt to his feet and was immediately struck by a “Snowboy Apples” delivery truck and killed.
Applejack, located his wayward troop of miscreants, and using bailing wire, chewing gum, and random pieces of clothing, tied all of their vehicles together into a make-shift train. He then commanded all of the occupants of the stolen bus to disembark and get into 2 straight lines. As the passengers gradually unloaded from the bus they each headed in different directions , walking in circles and falling down. It was at this point that Applejack realized that inscription painted on the bus read “Gorbinki’s Home for Crippled Blind Deaf and Happy Children”. Applejack rounded up the wandering tikes strapped them into harnesses made of rubber bands, glue and twine, and made them pull the piecemeal train from Burnsville all the way to the Minnesota state Fair ground. As to avoid any possible negative publicity, Applejack used side streets, alleys, and in several cases lawns and driveways, as his route to the fairgrounds.
Upon arrival, Applejack found that his rival, Royal American Shows had already set up their attractions and 90 % of the Midway, leaving no room for Applejack’s purveyors of fun and amusement. Upon viewing this scene Applejack, lept down from the roof of the bus from where he was controlling the conscripted children, and landed in a pile of broken glass, steel, and wreckage that had formerly been the “Tooty Time Tumbles Glass House” from last years fair. Applejack was pulled from the wreckage by the crippled children and in an amazing display of unification, was bound, gagged, kicked and rolled to Dan Patch avenue, where he was doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze. He was then shoved down the street into the midway where all Carnies were allowed to kick, poke, and punch his burned flesh. When all amusement had been exhausted from the event, he was pushed into the sun and discarded like a large ball of refuse. The kidnapped children were quickly herded up, loaded and locked in a trailer and sold to a nomadic band of traveling “Mormons for Jesus” on their way to a Prayer-fest in Alberta, Canada. Applejack was later unbound and forced to work as a restroom attendant sanitizing the floor and fixtures with his tongue.
The remainder of Applejack’s traveling band of carnies were sold to Royal American shows by a homeless black man for a couple bottles of gin, and were forced to take the place of the stolen children that had been sold recently before to the Mormons, resulting in a loss of around $34.98, however the RAS carnies weren’t worried about the financial debacle, as they were fairly confident that they would make up for the difference within the first 3 minutes of the fair, from the rigged “Flip-the Frog” game at the entrance to the Midway.
See what you missed by not being at the fair Before it started!
Applejack, located his wayward troop of miscreants, and using bailing wire, chewing gum, and random pieces of clothing, tied all of their vehicles together into a make-shift train. He then commanded all of the occupants of the stolen bus to disembark and get into 2 straight lines. As the passengers gradually unloaded from the bus they each headed in different directions , walking in circles and falling down. It was at this point that Applejack realized that inscription painted on the bus read “Gorbinki’s Home for Crippled Blind Deaf and Happy Children”. Applejack rounded up the wandering tikes strapped them into harnesses made of rubber bands, glue and twine, and made them pull the piecemeal train from Burnsville all the way to the Minnesota state Fair ground. As to avoid any possible negative publicity, Applejack used side streets, alleys, and in several cases lawns and driveways, as his route to the fairgrounds.
Upon arrival, Applejack found that his rival, Royal American Shows had already set up their attractions and 90 % of the Midway, leaving no room for Applejack’s purveyors of fun and amusement. Upon viewing this scene Applejack, lept down from the roof of the bus from where he was controlling the conscripted children, and landed in a pile of broken glass, steel, and wreckage that had formerly been the “Tooty Time Tumbles Glass House” from last years fair. Applejack was pulled from the wreckage by the crippled children and in an amazing display of unification, was bound, gagged, kicked and rolled to Dan Patch avenue, where he was doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze. He was then shoved down the street into the midway where all Carnies were allowed to kick, poke, and punch his burned flesh. When all amusement had been exhausted from the event, he was pushed into the sun and discarded like a large ball of refuse. The kidnapped children were quickly herded up, loaded and locked in a trailer and sold to a nomadic band of traveling “Mormons for Jesus” on their way to a Prayer-fest in Alberta, Canada. Applejack was later unbound and forced to work as a restroom attendant sanitizing the floor and fixtures with his tongue.
The remainder of Applejack’s traveling band of carnies were sold to Royal American shows by a homeless black man for a couple bottles of gin, and were forced to take the place of the stolen children that had been sold recently before to the Mormons, resulting in a loss of around $34.98, however the RAS carnies weren’t worried about the financial debacle, as they were fairly confident that they would make up for the difference within the first 3 minutes of the fair, from the rigged “Flip-the Frog” game at the entrance to the Midway.
See what you missed by not being at the fair Before it started!
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