STATE FAIR QUIK-QUIPS

"Well Rajive, Whad'ya think. Another year, another fair, and not one single patron again...Maybe folks don't like a ride called "Allah's One Way Slingshot to death!?"...Let's Pack it up."

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!..URG, UKK,GRRRK, ...OOOOOGROOOOK, GURGLE, GLKBRGRG, SPLATTER...SHIT!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"Hey!...Hey!...Hey, White Girl, y'all know where we can score some good shit?!! The Kin' that makes you see pretty colors, 'n flashing lights, 'n feel dizzy? Ya know like we feel right now only it rots out yo' brain an' ya' die!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIPS

"...Yep! When I was young, there wasn't any of this fliberty-jibbet crap at the fair, we just all ran around naked in the mud and passed out from heat stroke...that was a FAIR!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: SEPTEMBER 1,2008: GIRL KILLED IN FIRE AT FAIR

SMALL GIRL KILLED IN

FIRE AT FAIR

A terrible case of Mistaken identity left a small girl dead on the final day of the fair today. Little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen of Hinckley Minnesota was minding her own business and resting near a fire hydrant, when all of a sudden Three men dressed as whitetail deer started running down Dan Patch Ave, the sight amazed little Gretchen amongst other fair goers especially when A carnival midget from Royal American shows named Deiter Heinzworper, ran out from behind a root beer barrel with a can of gas and threw it all over the deer-men. Deiter then pulled a bow and arrow outfit from a small case, lit an arrow and fired the flaming arrow at the men hitting one, and setting all three on fire. Squealing with glee, Dieter started dancing in a circle and singing "Muss E Den" (wooden heart polka), and tearing his hair out. Three teenagers came along, shoved Deiter to the ground, bound him with duct tape and urinated on him, before kicking him like a ball into an alley and leaving him in the sun.

At the same time, the deer-men were now engulfed in flames, running aimlessly in the street, when a large colored man said "I knows 'da way to the Kingdom of God! Follows me an' I will take you d'ere!" and vanished into the crowd, offering no help to the situation.

A woman screamed that the deer-men were molesters and headed for the children's lost and found, hearing that five members of the "United Brides of Christ" raced over and tackled the deer, unfortunately catching all of them on fire as well. The Eight flaming bodies were all racing around Dan Patch avenue, when the state fair police arrived and ran for the fire hose, located near the recently destroyed "Ye Olde Mill" attraction. "Hook it up to that yellow Hydrant" screamed one policeman. Another daft idiot volunteer policeman with the brains of a squirrel raced over and grabbed little Gretchen by mistake and wrenched her head off, forced the fire hose over her neck and then started clubbing her with a fire hydrant wrench. The daft policeman missed one of his swings and hit himself in the scrotum, causing him to double over, smack his head on the real fire hydrant which killed him instantly.

By the time, the policeman got the hydrant functioning correctly, the flaming folks were all burned to death on the ground and were being eaten by a large pack of hungry dogs that had somehow entered the fair grounds.

A man raced over to the body of little Gretchen Googendaswermermanjensen, and quickly reunited her head with her body, and artfully stitched her head back on, unfortunately backwards. Little Gretchen was revived and was quickly tested for agility by kicking a midget that was found in a nearby alley, in the crotch. Little Gretchin, was given the all-okay, except the head being facing the wrong way, and will be returning to the fair as part of the side show next year. The midget hemorrhaged and died on the scene.

See what you missed at the fair today!

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: AUGUST 31,2008: CRAZED TV ICON KILLS AT FAIR

CRAZED CLOWN KILLS COUNTLESS NUMBER AT FAIRIn what appeared to be a stupid idea from the beginning, at least 39 people lost their lives to a moron whom they decided to trust. Local Saint Paul Idiot, Gerry Quineloundrst a.k.a. "T.N.Tatters " (stand in for Daryl Laub) from the 1960s children's Early Morning Television show, put on what would be his last performance. On a dare from some Homeboy clowns from Saint Paul, Quineloundrst bet that he could ride the "Ye Old Mill's" water wheel down the street all the way to the Midway. As usual for most TV clowns, Quineloundrst was stinking drunk, when he decided that dynamiting the wheel from the attraction was a good idea, even more thoughtless was that he did it while the attraction was in use at high volume. Killed in the explosion were ride operator Jimmy Scratchamyass, of Belle Plaine, MN and his friend Stewie Rattbottom, of Montgomery, Minnesota, both who happened to be sitting right on top of the wheel as it blasted free from it's moorings. Drunk Quineloundrst jumped from the roof of the attraction and landed on top of the wheel as it started rolling down the street, Screaming "Look at Me! I am a Hero!"Worship me!!" Instead hundreds of people started throwing garbage at the has-been clown and someone threw a cup of vomit, which hit Quineloundrst square in the face. Sputtering like a drown rat, Quineloundrst lost control of the giant wheel and started flailing about wildly. Seconds later he was clotheslined by an overhead power line which knocked him off the wheel and left him dangling high above the pavement. The wheel, now clownless raced down Carnes Avenue and directly into the Midway, Crashing into The "Dragon Wagon" Attraction and exploding into flames. Hot Grease from a Pronto pup stand, crushed en route, fed the flames as a swath of fire cut through the Midway burning and scolding all in it's path. "I saw dis' guys Afro go up in flames like a ball o' fire! Hilarious!" said a local man from White Bear, MN. " I ran over to him and helped him out of the street, an' over to a Tom Thumb donut stand...where I plunged his head into da' deep fryer and 'da whole cart went up! YEAH!!" The White Bear man then ran down the street pushing other people into hot grease from other vendors, before slipping on an elephant ear and splitting his skull open.

As the Mighty Midway began turning into a blazing inferno, two small boys ran and grabbed a hose from a nearby attraction and sprayed the flames, unfortunately the hose was a fuel line rather than water and a huge wall of fire engulfed the North side of the Midway and was quickly spreading to Heritage Square. Two Knights of Columbus members in full parade dress pulled out there swords and cut two large holes into some lemonade tanks and let the sour drink pour into the midway helping to dowse the flames. The decision had to be made as to whether their efforts should be focused on the Midway or the now burning Heritage square, an easy decision however, so the large doors to Heritage square were bolted closed and it was left to burn. It is unknown how many fair goers were trapped inside when the doors were closed, but one of the Knight s said, "Who Cares...What the hell were they doing in their in the first place...I mean come on...Heritage Square? Why the hell would you waste your time?...They deserved to die!". Moments later the other Knight of Columbus member tripped and skewered the Knight through the chest and he dropped dead on the spot.

Within 45 minutes the disaster was under control, with the exception of the burning Heritage Square. A crowd had formed and located Quineloundrst and tied him up, toted him onto a stage in Adventure park and in front of all was forced to feed himself fresh from the deep fryer corndogs, that were dipped in lighter fluid and lit on fire. Quineloundrst head soon caught fire, and the flames quickly covered his body, both inside and out. The burning clown was shoved off the stage into the crowd, where his flaming corpse was loaded into the Bungee Launcher and shot into the sky.

Quineloundrst body was later located in the backyard of Mrs. Ida Krackinski of Falcon Heights, being used as a windsock/Scarecrow in her garden of thorns.

See what you missed at the fair today!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Shit! How the Hell am I gonna take a squat behind that with any privacy!"

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"...Well, Apparently your teacher was LYING when she said that you were THAT GOOD!"

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE: AUGUST 30, 2008: 7 MISCREANTS DIE AT FAIR

7 PERISH IN FREAK FIRE
AT FAIR

"It was as quick as that!" said Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer from New Ulm, Minnesota. "One minute they were their and the next...nothing but smelly charred ash!" So is the account of 7 delinquent children at the fair's demise this year. Apparently a group of truant children decided that today was a good day to skip school and attend the Minnesota state fair...they chose poorly. Desiree and Wanda Wonderkindiddle and 5 other children from Le Seuer Minnesota were having a wonderful day at the fair, eating , drinking, playing doing all the things one does at a frolicking fair. Except they were supposed to be in school. The Wonderkindiddle sisters Desiree, 19 and Wanda, 17 were heard ahead of time saying "F--K School! I is the Smotest Girl in the World! and We is smot' Enuf an' don' need no mo' skoolin'...we cum to the fair fo' som' fun!" The two older sisters brought along their 5 younger siblings, Jimmie, Jackie, Jerome, John and Throgmorten, to show them what was beyond the school room walls. All were having a great time, and decided that they would stop for a break in the shade. While taking a breather outside the hippodrome in some large bails of hay, one child yelled "Look All, comfy beds jus' like the ones we have at home! and all the kids climbed into the hay bales for a quick play and nap. What they had not realized, was that they hay bails they had chosen had been recently used as barriers in the "Minnesota Monster truck and drag race exposition", and had been recently soaked in gasoline from "Truckzilla's" unfortunate demise during that prior event. "It was amazing!" said a toothless degenerate passing by the scene "Even I could smell 'da fumes from dose bails a hay...and I ain't had a bath in 5 weeks and really stink!" However Wanda decided that this was a good time for a smoke and lit up her lucky strike cigarette. She then called over to one of the boys "Hey Jimmie...Ever seen a match burn twice?" and threw the lit match at the boy. "That was all she wrote! said Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer "That pile o hay became a fortress o' flames and a really quick crematorium for those yung'uns!" I laughed like hell...even though it wasn't all that funny!" I guess that bitch who claimed she was the smartest girl in the world, wasn't smart enough to read the sign right above her head. Ha! stupid Bitch!" Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer , then went into a choking fit, brought up her lunch, and died of a stroke with a huge smile on her face. The state fair police quickly arrived at the scene, hoisted up Old Gramma Firshensteinhemmer , and drug her into the sun. They hung a sign around her neck reading "I died laughing at the fair!"and then disbanded leaving the corpse to rot.

See what you missed at the fair today.

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 29, 2008: GIANT MONKEY KILLS 3 AT FAIR

GIANT MONKEY KILLS 6 AT MINNESOTA STATE FAIRIn a bizarre turn of events, three people were killed today at the Minnesota state fair. It all started when little Julie Gragofnik of Isanti, Mn. asked her father for a snow cone. "Snow Cone? I'm not paying f--king $1.75 for some ice chips with kool-aid poured on it!" retorted her father, Gerry Gragofnik, "Here eat this pocket lint instead!" . This upset Julie, who burst into tears. Her father handed her a crushed paper cup from the ground saying "Don't let those tears go to waste, cry into this cup and drink them later!". Little Julie shouted "I hate you! I never want to see you again! I hope you get your head ripped off on the Scrambler!, and with that, disappeared into the crowd. "You'll be back you little BITCH", shouted her father into the crowd of passing fair goers. Gerry Gragofnik, then stumbled over to the beer garten and ordered a Monster size "Drunk in a bucket" beer. Within a bout 3 minutes a large Monkey swooped down from the ceiling and landed on Gerry Gragofnik's back. "What the Fu...?!" cried Gragofnik. The large plush monkey started screaming and punching Gerry in the kidneys, causing him to spit up blood over some nearby on-lookers! One of the on lookers picked up a pipe off the ground and walloped Gerry in the head repeatedly. Gerry cried "You f--ing Moron, can't you see I am being attacked by a Giant Ape! HELP ME!". Gragofnik stumbled into the street as the monkey started ripping out large hanks of hair from Gerry's head. A woman approached Gerry to aid him, when out of the crowd another Giant plush monkey appeared, with several other living plush toys close behind. All of the toys attacked Gragofnik simultaneously. The woman tried to tear the creatures off of Gragofnik, but as she did, A man dressed as a Comanche Indian raced into the crowd screaming and weilding a rubber tomahawk. The Comanche, hit the woman repeatedly in the head with the tomahawk until she passed out where upon he did a war dance on her unconscious body, stomping her to death. The Indian man then raced into the crowd, where somewhere he was shanked in the stomach with a large piece of window glass and dropped dead.

Gragofnik, now a tumbling ball of multicolored plush fur, beer and blood, rolled down Nelson street and on to Carnes Ave, where a group of "Effeminate Farmers for Jesus (EFJ)" were staging a rally by the Giant Slide. Several of the EFJ members were drawing attention from the crowd, by having a group of volunteer members slide down the giant slide while standing up and singing "Nearer my God to thee". At the first bump in the slide, all 4 members of the EFJ were hurled into the air, 2 landed on Gregofnik, 1 landed at the base of the slide, splitting his head open on the cement and was killed immediately, and the fourth member landed on a small child going down the slide, and was arrested for molestation charges at the exit to the attraction.

As Gragofnik continued to struggle with the vicious plush toys and EFJ members, they managed to roll into the DNR pavilion where an exhibit of the real Minnesota Timber wolves mascots were being displayed. The hungry Canines smelled the blood and beer, broke free of the handlers and ripped into the rolling ball of detritus. Within seconds all had been vanquished and the remains of the EFJ and Gragofnik were roped off, and a crew of statefair police rounded up and bagged the body parts, and placed them in the sun, near by to, but not in, a state fair dumpster.

Little Julie Gragofnik, was later found in the midway, by herself with a snow cone purchased by a friends mother. She threw it in the mud moments later claiming "this tastes like sh-t!", and commenced eating pocket lint.

See what you missed at the fair today.

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Hey Everyone, Let me show you my new Satyr Tattoo! What the Hell???! These aren't my pants!

STATE FAIR QUICK-QUIP

"Hey Everyone...Look at ME...No, Look at MEEEE!, MEEE. Look, Look, I can touch the inside of my brain through my Nose!...Look! Look! Hey...LOOK!..."

MINNESOTA STATE FAIR UPDATE AUGUST 28, 2008

GIANT APPLE HEAD TROLL DOLL TERRORIZES MINNESOTA STATE FAIR PATRONS 3 DEAD

In a truly Bizarre set of circumstances, a large apple head troll doll came to life at the Minnesota State fair today wreaking havoc on the patrons. It all started when two boys, Shawn Mybutstinx and Billy Skiba, both of Moundsview, Minnesota . Were checking out the local art in the Fine Arts building. "I can piss on a towel and drag it across the floor and make a better painting than that" said Mybutstinx, commenting on a large artwork by local artist Liz Kicinkrotch, of Evelith, MN. Skiba said "I'll do a better one right here and now! shouted Skiba, and promptly pulled down his pants , made stool, danced in it and blew his nose over the creation. Mybutstinx, then urinated on the floor over the mess. "F---ker! shouted Skiba at Mybutstinx, now you've wrecked it! and Skiba shoved the other boy who bumped into a large standing display of an Apple head Troll doll depicting typical dress of Trolls in 1858. The boys heard something, and looked up, as the troll doll started to move. "JESUS!" screamed Mybutstinx, and the troll made a loud growl and lunged forward. "Who defiles my home? shouted the troll. With that Mybutstinx evacuated his bowels, and fell back into it. The troll picked up the soiled boy and shook him violently, before tossing his body across the room and through the "Good Garden insects" display releasing thousands of Black backed Hornets. The whole building became a sea of screaming fair goers. "Save the paintings, Save the paintings! shouted a Pakistani woman in the crowd, moments before she was crushed by a large statue of Al Frankin made of dried mucus.

The Apple head doll then took flight in the building , soaring over patrons heads and dropping rotten meat from under it's cloak. An Scottish man in a kilt and dressed like a highwayman leaped up and tackled the troll, bringing it to the ground. "I know what ye' fears! cried the Irish man" and rammed a bag pipe extension into the trolls chest and blew on the pipes. "The noise was excruciating!" commented Wanda Jefferson, "My Chil' make dat noise if I don' feed him crack fo' a few days!"

As the Scottish man and trolled tussled, the state fair police arrived with large clubs and boards with nails protruding from it. One policeman had a sock full of pennies.

As the tussle continued, The troll appeared to be being defeated until he reached under the Scottish man's kilt and tore off his scrotum. "AHHHHHHEEEE! Me Family Jewels!" screamed the Scottish man, who in his pain grabbed one of the police man with a plank in his hand and swatted the Apple head doll repeatedly with both the policeman and weapon simultaneously. The Troll was showing no sign of tire in the tussle.

Moments later a man dressed as Robin Hood from the nearby "Robin Hood Flour" booth, arrived on the back3 of 3 midgets. Laughing hysterically the garbed man set an arrow aflame and fires it into the head of the apple troll., followed by two more flaming arrows. The troll stood upright and screamed and it's head exploded into millions of scolding hot apple fragments, covering the midgets and with molten apple. Two midgets dropped dead, and the third went screaming into a display of "Minnesota Goose Down Products", where he was covered with feathers and continued running and fleeing the building.

The apple troll was staggering aimlessly around the building , when, 4 year old Billy Frongstring of Wyoming, MN took out a butane lighter walked up to troll and set it on fire. Squealing with Glee the boy raced around the flaming troll and started throwing gas on it. In a blinding flash of flame both the troll, and Robin Hood Vaporized. Little Billy was hurled through the air and was later located on top of the Space needle.

The state fair police started the usual crowd control procedure, and finding no corpses or bodies from the event, clubbed a St. Louis park teenage boy and drug him into the sun.

See what you missed at the fair today!