STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP

"AAAGH! Son of a BITCH! MY Frickin' Neck Went out! Why did I think that NOW would be a good time to look at the Solar eclipse!"

STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! There's Nothing like the smell of Tom-Thumb Donut Grease, Corn Dogs, Cotton Candy, Elephant Ears, Fresh Cattle Urine, Sheep Dung, and Children's Vomit by the Tilt-A-Whirl...Now, I must Tinkle!

The 2009 Minnesota State fair News is brought to you by:

4 CHILDREN KILLED BY KABUKI ASSASSIN AT FAIR

KABUKI ASSASSIN DIES AFTER KILLING RAMPAGE

Tommy Horton of Osakis, Minnesota Moments before rampage

Tragedy struck on Day #2 of the Minnesota State Fair when a small child identified as Tommy Horton of Osakis, Minnesota went berserk and killed 3 children on the "Dilly-Dally Bumper cars" attraction in Kiddieland. It wasn't quite clear what actually happened or why, but according to a passerby who wished to remain anonymous (Lilly Popkiss of Apple Valley, MN) reported "I saw this strange little figure out of the corner of my eye leap from a tree and right onto the bumper car attraction...I just dismissed it, because I see all sorts of weird things when I am off my meds." Then she proceeded to to vomit up on herself and pass-out. State Fair Police were called to the scene where they sprayed Popkiss down with a hose and drug her off and left her in the sun to dry.

From what we have been able to piece together. Little Tommy Horton had come to the fair with the "Children of the Apocalypse" church , and somehow broke free of the group. "I saw 'dis kid over at 'da soda shack der, and he was drinking mo' Moun'in dew 'dan a dehydrated jackass!" said a local street transient living underneath the grandstand. "He done juiced himself up an' had 'dis scarey look in his eye! I scream'd DEVIL CHIL' DEVIL CHIL'!, and 'den I passed out!"

Moments later, Tommy started running aimlessly through the fairgrounds and stumbled into a souvenir stand selling cheap Chinese toys and fair garbage, and he stole a plastic samurai sword. While trying to escape, the vendor threw scolding coffee in Tommy's face causing him to scream "You Motherf***ing WHORE!" and fell face down in a puddle of mud. His face severely burned, Tommy grabbed a box of crayons from some nearby children and drew a cheesey moustache and eyebrows on his now red blistered face. He then ran off in the direction of "Kiddieland". He was next seen chattering like a squirrel in a tree, swinging his plastic sword, which drew the attention of some local teenage tuffs that were passing by. The teenagers picked up rocks and sticks and pelted Tommy with them until he fell from the tree onto the Dilly Dally Bumper cars which was presently in operation. Little Gertrude Hoffmister and her sister Helga (both from New Ulm), saw Tommy, and screamed as they ran over his legs, cutting them free of his pelvis, and leaving them on the steel attraction floor flopping like daddy long legs. Tommy swung his plastic sword and poked out the eye of a small nameless Canadian boy, who lost control of his bumper car and crashed it through the side rail and rolled it into the bystanders, crushing him instantly. Two bystanders were hurt, and quickly drug into the sun by Fair Police. Scrabbling across the steel floor, Tommy grabbed onto a moving bumper car and was drug all over the attraction, spraying blood from his leg stumps as he went. "It was like one o' those Spin Art Machines, down in the real midway" said Jackaroon Katrufkin, of Saint Paul. As little Tommy started to weaken from loss of blood his grip failed, and sent him hurling into the car of little Reginald Van Scrote, who screamed like a little girl and died of coronary failure moments before crashing head on into the operating kiosk of the attraction, causing the whole attraction to start ablaze. The canopy of the ride immediately caught fire and began to descend upon all of the trapped children. A large Tibetan Monk leaped from the crowd and with lightening speed tore through the blazing canopy of death and freed most all of the children, little Tommy Horton was left to die in his bumper coffin of doom. As Tommy burst into flame in front of the stunned crowd he screamed "...ask not for whoeth the bell tolls, it tolls for.." and he then exploded into flames. The intense heat of the blazing attraction forced the crowd to retreat, with the exception of a small Asian boy with a limp who was drawn like a moth to a flame, and screamed "Willie O'Dwyer, Jumped in the fire!..." and raced into the flaming wreckage, and was consumed by the raging flames.

Within 55 minutes, the Minnesota State fair Fire Department arrived, from 2 blocks away, and extinguished the embers that had once been the Dilly Dally Bumper Cars. When asked why it took so long for the fire department to arrive , Fire Chief Norm Tournquist replied "KISS MINE!"


See what you missed at the fair today!

The 2009 Minnesota State fair News is brought to you by:

5 People Killed On Opening Day at the 2009 Minnesota State Fair

The Selby-Dale "Kickers for Christ" with Jimmy Krakhorn playing the drum

(Wilmar Kids with nothing to do for the summer marching band)

DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY AT THE FAIR...NOT!

Up to par as usual, the 2009 Minnesota State fair has claimed several lives within hours of it's opening. "At least it was better than last year" said fair spokesperson Amanda Hugnkiss of Ely, Minnesota. "According to our records we had some one killed within the first several minutes last year, this year the fair commenced rather peacefully, and the first death did not occur until 54 minutes into the fair."

The first casualty of the fair this year was James Rippafart of Welcome, Minnesota. Apparently James arrived later than he planned to the opening of the fair, and as he wrestled with other fairgoers at the entrance turnstiles, he pushed little Jerry Girkekleinski (from Anoka, Minnesota) into a trash bin, as he squeezed past the small boy. Father of the child Raymond Girkekleinski grabbed Rippafart's shirt collar and attempted to pull him back, however the shirt gave way and Rippafart disappeared into the crowd. Girkekleinski still had the collar of Rippafarts shirt and vowed he would locate the "Motherf***ing Son of a Bitch" once inside. It didn't take long as Girkekleinski spotted Rippafart at "Ole & Lena's Norwegian Delights" scarfing down an "Uff Da Treat". Girkekleinski Grabbed Rippafart and slammed his head into the counter top spraying Krumkake and Hot pecans all over Rippafart. Rippafart then dashed into the street, half blinded with whipped cream from the former treat and right into the oncoming "WKWNTDFTSMB (Wilmar Kids with nothing to do for the summer marching band) parade. Rippafart was pushed down by several of the Wilmar-ites, and trampled mercilessly beneath their feat. Band leader William Morspersen Hollered "Keep Moving...for the LOVE OF GOD, Keep Moving!, and Rippafart was trampelled, drug and kicked to the end of Liggett Ave, at which point the nameless tuba player for the band blasted a shrill note at point blank range in Rippafart's ear, causing his eardrums to explode. Rippafart wandered aimlessly out of the street and into the path of a heard of sheep en route to the sheep barn where he was trampled yet again, and urinated on by two small boys controlling the flock. Dazed and confused, Rippafart stumbled aimlessly into what he thought was a phone booth, but was actually an automated corn shelling machine, and was ripped to pieces and sprayed into a bin in front of many onlookers. One girl cried out "COOOOOOL!"

Several Hours later tragedy struck again, only this time at the opposite end of the fair, as the usual misunderstanding of a situation was illustrated...again. Norman Pankraky (86), of Blaine, Minnesota was peacefully sitting on a bench resting when he heard what he thought were the marching steps of Nazi Storm Troopers. In a knee-jerk reaction, he lept to his feet and startled hurling stones at the source of the noise. It turned out to be the "Selby-Dale Kickers for Christ" who were turning the corner onto Dan Patch Ave. Several of the stones struck the "Kickers" who all just happened to be black, and they assumed that a race riot had begun. Pankraky shouted "NEGROES! NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGROOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"and continued throwing stones. One of the small "Kickers" Little Jimmy Krakhorn, was struck with one of the stones and blurted "OH No YOU Did'and!" and raced towards Pankraky and smashed a drum over his head, kicked him in the scrotum and and pulled out a knife screaming "I POKE YOU! I poke you!" and was then wrestled to the ground by two visiting Caputian Monks dressed in white robes. "KLANSMEN! cried Tyrone Jackson of the "Kickers for Christ" and needless to say...All Hell broke loose. "I sees 'dis guy in white grab Jimmy, and so I knows he's gonna kill him, so I pulls out my blade and stick him!" said Jackson. Within Minutes the crowd of fair goers were all ablaze with hate for either Monks, Kickers, retirees, war veterans, or hog farmers. The State fair police were called in two break up the ruckus, but were viewed once again as a threat to the "kickers" which was the equivalent of adding gasoline to an already out of control fire. A small girl was standing by when a man's head landed at her feet, toungue clicking trying to vocalize a phrase when she kicked it like a soccer ball into the lap of 64 year old Ida Brezinski of New Ulm , Minnesota, who had a stroke and dropped on the spot.

After approximately 20 minutes of mayhem the crowd started settling down. Tyrone Jackson, now missing an arm, shouted "Jimmy Krakhorn, Jimmy Krackhorn" while desperately looking for the boy "Where is Jimmy Krakhorn?. When Norman Pankraky yelled "I don't care!"; which instantly was heard by several "Kickers for Christ" as a racial slur in an old slave song; and the whole event rekindled moments later. Seeing that the police and fair officials were having no effect on the crowd. Peter Fromquist of Zumbrota Minnesota, pushed over a large barrel of root beer from a nearby vending stand dowsing the crowd with the sticky liquid and washing several people off their feet, and one man square into a lamppost, cracking open his skull and killing him. Fromquist jumped up on a nearby garbage bin and started screaming "ZUMBROTA! ZUMBROTA!", which many people took as some type of war cry and started pelting him with food. With all of the attention now focussed on Fromquist, the riot dispersed and turned from a squealing mass of hate to the world's largest Mosh pit, carrying Fromquist above their heads and hurling him out of the fairgrounds and onto nearby Como avenue, where he was amazingly not hit by a car...but rather by an amateur clown on a bike selling whirly-gigs, of which one pierced Fromquist's spleen and killing him.

See what you missed at the fair today!

The 2009 Minnesota State fair News is brought to you by:

CARNIES PREPARE FOR 12 Days OF BLISS!

Nomadic Carnie Ronnie Applejack working hard during set up in the Midway of the 2009 Minnesota State fair

CARNIES PREPARE FOR 12 Days OF BLISS!

It’s finally here, The Minnesota State fair 2009, will begin tomorrow morning at 6:00 am. That is if you aren’t a Carnie, if you were, you started the fair 5 days ago as Royal American Shows and Todd Bubberoof Amusements pulled into town… Literally, they were pulled into town. It seems that somehow the Minnesota State fair Comission (MSFC), booked 2 separate contractors to occupy the Midway at the same time for 2009. For the past 56 years, Royal American Shows has been the contracted amusement provider for the Minnesota state fair, however this year Ronnie Applejack of the “Hodad Cream & Pickle Puppet CompanY” claims to have been the choice for the first time in the nearly 60 year run. “I gawtst it right here..in ‘ritin’” said Applejack, who quickly produced a contract that was written on the back of a Clover Leaf Dairy milk carton in orange Crayon.”It saith’ rite hea’ that we is the guys to do all da shows and get th’ money! That’s a lot a loot! I ain’t give’n up that much Loot, to some other guys!” Jack Kracinkopfister of Royal American shows commented “Ya Gotta’ Be F**kin’ Kidding! Who the Hell are these F**king A**holes, and why the F**ck are the in our goddam Midway!” after which he swung a rusty pipe and hit Applejack square in the face. Applejack, laughing and spitting blood retaliated by flinging sand and loose broken glass into Kracinkopfister eyes, and kicked him directly in the crotch with a steel toed boot, causing Kracinkopfister to drop into the fetal position and writhe on the hot asphalt in pain. “C,mon guy’th lets get this plathe thet up!” cried Applejack to his crew …to which he heard no response. Looking around Applejack realized that he was the only member of his troop present. When asked where his traveling group of Carnies were he replied “F**k, I dunno!!” Moments later an unusually fat midget with 5 legs and the head of squirrel ran up to Applejack and blurted out something garbled which had no resemblance to English or any other documented language. Applejack picked up the midget, and in his anger, threw him/her through the windshield of an oncoming car on Snelling Avenue. The midget was rocketed into the air over the education building where he was greeted with about 15 rounds of pheasant shot from the nearby “Help for Homeless Hunters” members who were squatting across the street illegally parking cars in peoples yards at random and collecting money. It was later determined that the midget was a messenger from Applejack’s troop informing him that his cavalcade had broken down right outside of Burnsville and needed assistance in getting to the fair. Apparently what happened next is still not clear, but was reported that Applejack in a fit of rage ran screaming through the streets of the fairgrounds like a Comanche Indian, and wetting himself several times. After running out of the west end of the fairgrounds, Applejack located a bus paused momentarily at a traffic light, he kicked in the door and threw the driver into the street and urinated on him. He then threw the bus into gear and drove off, screaming madly, as he departed. The former bus driver leapt to his feet and was immediately struck by a “Snowboy Apples” delivery truck and killed.

Applejack, located his wayward troop of miscreants, and using bailing wire, chewing gum, and random pieces of clothing, tied all of their vehicles together into a make-shift train. He then commanded all of the occupants of the stolen bus to disembark and get into 2 straight lines. As the passengers gradually unloaded from the bus they each headed in different directions , walking in circles and falling down. It was at this point that Applejack realized that inscription painted on the bus read “Gorbinki’s Home for Crippled Blind Deaf and Happy Children”. Applejack rounded up the wandering tikes strapped them into harnesses made of rubber bands, glue and twine, and made them pull the piecemeal train from Burnsville all the way to the Minnesota state Fair ground. As to avoid any possible negative publicity, Applejack used side streets, alleys, and in several cases lawns and driveways, as his route to the fairgrounds.

Upon arrival, Applejack found that his rival, Royal American Shows had already set up their attractions and 90 % of the Midway, leaving no room for Applejack’s purveyors of fun and amusement. Upon viewing this scene Applejack, lept down from the roof of the bus from where he was controlling the conscripted children, and landed in a pile of broken glass, steel, and wreckage that had formerly been the “Tooty Time Tumbles Glass House” from last years fair. Applejack was pulled from the wreckage by the crippled children and in an amazing display of unification, was bound, gagged, kicked and rolled to Dan Patch avenue, where he was doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze. He was then shoved down the street into the midway where all Carnies were allowed to kick, poke, and punch his burned flesh. When all amusement had been exhausted from the event, he was pushed into the sun and discarded like a large ball of refuse. The kidnapped children were quickly herded up, loaded and locked in a trailer and sold to a nomadic band of traveling “Mormons for Jesus” on their way to a Prayer-fest in Alberta, Canada. Applejack was later unbound and forced to work as a restroom attendant sanitizing the floor and fixtures with his tongue.

The remainder of Applejack’s traveling band of carnies were sold to Royal American shows by a homeless black man for a couple bottles of gin, and were forced to take the place of the stolen children that had been sold recently before to the Mormons, resulting in a loss of around $34.98, however the RAS carnies weren’t worried about the financial debacle, as they were fairly confident that they would make up for the difference within the first 3 minutes of the fair, from the rigged “Flip-the Frog” game at the entrance to the Midway.

See what you missed by not being at the fair Before it started!

State Fair Quik-Quips

"HA HA HA KIDS! Fooled Ya! This ride is REALLY called "PSYCHOTIC CLOWN OF DEATH" ...Not "Bambi's Playful Meadow"!

The 2009 Minnesota State Fair News is Brought to you by

BAN FROM THE FAIR THIS YEAR...AGAIN!

For those of you who have never had the experience of trying “Nitro-Cream” at the fair, you will not get the chance to do so this year either. Brothers Tom and Erskin Garchunkski, of Blaine, Minnesota have once again been ban at the fair for 2009. The two simple brothers from the Northeast Twin Cities Suburb have repeatedly pitched the idea of their “Nitro-Cream” as a vended product at the fair. “They (Fair Approval Commission) have a thing against polyester shirts” said Erskin. “We spent all the money we had to invest on our flashy apparel, and had no money left for product presentation or research for that matter”. When the MSFC (Minnesota State Fair Commission) was approached as to the validity of their reason of refusal, spokesperson Vidalia Jones stated “ We ain’t jus’ lettin’ in any F***in’ moron that thinks they have a produc’ ta sell!...Sh*t! Those two F***ers wanted to sell that nasty Sludge here for ‘da las’ Four years! I wouldn” let my Crippled, One eyed, Tailless, retarded dog eat ‘dat Sh*t! F***!” When the brothers were approached about the ingredients in their product Tom Garchunski stated “It’s all natural! We found this big pool of white foamy stuff near the gravel pit by the cement works out behind the Shoreview Armory, and mixed it with sand, tree bark chips, steel mesh wire, brake fluid and valspar white paint. All these ingredients are locally grown! What more natural products can one get??!” When we told the brothers that what they had just described their product contents as being more industrial waste than natural Minnesota Agricultural yield, Erskin Commented “SHRIMP!” and went quiet. When asked why they did not at least try to make their product appealing, Erskin stated that they could not find a source that could supply them with any committed amount of either ice cream cones or plastic bowls. We later found that their source of inquest was from “Bob’s Freezy’Cone” off Hi-Way 10, that went out of business back in 1961. “They never returned our calls” stated Tom. So we had no choice but to use “recycled” containers that we found on the sides of the road, in garbage cans, from the bottom of the lake, and other places we frequent. Last year was better said Erskin, We had found several sleeves of plastic cups from “Zapata Mexican Restaurants”, with this really cool lookin’ hopped up Mexican guy with guns on them.

So once again an entrepreneur’s dream has been dashed by the almighty MSFC, but the brothers were not the only ones turned away this year, also refused were the vendors of Cattail soup, paper-mache spaghetti, fiberglass peanut brittle (on a stick), Pig Scrotum (on a stick), LACT-ADE, dental floss pudding, Torsk-ini, Walleye Smoothy and Authentic Leprechaun Legs (the real thing). So keep in mind as you partake of the abundance of tasty treats of the Concessionaires, that high above you a force much smarter and greater than you is looking down upon the APPROVED snacks and thinking…”Son of a bitch! They are putting in their mouths what I wouldn’t hold in my HAND!”

…Only 4 days until MiNNESOTA STATE FAIR 2009! What are you going to miss this YEAR??!

THE 2009 MINNESOTA STATE FAIR NEWS is brought to you by the

THE 2009 MINNESOTA STATE FAIR NEWS

Wayward Band Screams "State Fair or Bust!"

After nearly one year of being Absent from the hallowed grounds of the Minnesota state fair, The "Pig's Eye Jass Band" has started their harrowing trip across the state in order to arrive in time for the first parade on Opening Day of the Minnesota State Fair. "De Fair Dudn't Open For A few Weeks Ya' Know; and we t'ink 'dis will give us a plenty time to git d'ere for da' firs' parade" reported "Big" Wally Rothschild, of Hackensack, Minnesota. The band whos has been performing at various functions around the state since 1961, has decided that the fair needs their presence in order to keep that wholesome Minnesota attitude in place. "I t'ink dis place has turned into a Cesspoole of disgrace and carnage over de past few years...an' I plan to show 'da folks what a real fair is suppose to provide!" said Rothschild.

The band, who derived their name from both their occupation as a band of social miscreants, and their unhealthy worship of Mel Jass formerly of "Mel's Matinee" on WTCN 11, plans to commute in their hand crafted stage wagon from Hackensac to the Twin cities over the next few weeks. "We got it all fig'red out, spoke Ida Kissamyass, of nearby Walker, Minnesota. "We will have 'da boys pullin da wagon tr'u da back roads and drainage ditches, as well as posted property and land so dat we can arrive in time for da fair. We have mounted a special hose on da front a da cart so dat if any of us starts fallin' asleep, we can spray dem with a supply of goat urine dat we have in da tanks near da back o da cart."

If we calculated properly, we should arrive in Falcon Heights on September 12th,2009. If we find we are running slow, we'll just start sprayin' da hose at each other until we make up the time, said Rothschild.

We are all wishing the band a great deal of luck on their journey, but figure that there will be quite a few dehydrated goats along the way; being that the fair ends on September 7 this year. We could have told them that they will have to adjust their schedule for their lack of planning correctly...but what fun would that be???