Sunday, September 6, 2009
ELMO DIES AT MINNESOTA STATE FAIR
Crazed Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage,MN "feels his hate" as he pummells Sesame Street's Elmo to death
In a hideous display of Malice, the beloved Sesame Street character "Elmo" was brutally bludgeoned to death today at the fair. It all started when 54 year old Luther Snivvelbottom of Savage Minnesota, was minding his own business eating a bowl of leprechaun legs, when some social malcontent teens walked by and snooged in his lunch. "How's your COBB Salad Old Man" sneered one of the teens, and laughed. A second teen picked up some gravel from the ground and tossed it into Snivvelbottoms face and retorted "I think you need more FIBER!", and with that pushed a third teen vigorously into Snivvelbottom causing him to spill his Fairchild Float all over himself. The teen then lost his footing, tumbled over Snivvelbottoms back and struck his own head on an exposed rusty iron post killing him instantly. A large dog then rushed up to the dead teen and began chewing off his face, before being deterred by Snivvelbottom. "Get away from that corpse Reginald, yelled Snivvelbottom. The remaining two teens then drug their former friend out into the street and commenced kicking him repeatedly screaming "Get up you F***ing Baby! C'mon Steven!" As Snivvelbottom started to rise from his seat at the picnic table, a small child Emilia Farfruckessisian, of Cass lake, MN hobbled up to him and dispensed a splitting air horn blast directly into his ear, causing Snivvelbottom to scream wildly tumble over backwards and into a fresh pile of Dog Stool (assumable from his own dog "Reginald"). It was at this point that all hell seemed to break loose. Snivvelbottom, clutching his head and spinning wildly down Dan Patch Avenue, eventually ended up behind the Culligan water tent where he located a circus mallet used prior to erect the tent. He ran glaze eyed into the street swinging the mallet at anyone within reach, hitting several Buddhist Monks, two Jews for Jesus Representatives, and numerous Hari Krishna’s, all gathered in the middle of the street for a silent protest against the use of plastic shoelace tips for fuel. Nearby the special guest interview at the KDWB info booth was International Child Superstar "Elmo" of the Children's Television Workshop show Sesame Street. Elmo had just finished a live interview and was heading off with his entourage towards the Grandstand for a KMSP "Live at the Fair" interview, when Snivvelbottom came whirling like a dervish through the crowd and smacking Elmo with the mallet. Elmo sailed into the air, and dropped down straight down back in front of Snivvelbottom who began repeatedly pounding the red puppet deeper and deeper into the ground , all the while screaming "7-up, 7-up. 7-up". A stunned crowd gathered around Snivvelbottom as he pulped the puppet with the mallet. Moments later a large clown emerged from the crowd and with a garden hose and quickly wrapped it around Snivvelbottoms neck and pulled it tight. Gasping for air Snivvelbottom dropped the mallet, and started groping for the hose, the clown started cackling gleefully pulling all the tighter until Snivvelbottoms head popped off his body and sailed into the onlookers, who all started kicking the discolored head around like a soccer ball. John Scrotegrabber of Clontarf, Minnesota then kicked the head with intense speed driving it directly into the crotch of squealing clown causing him to double over into the mud and was repeatedly kicked by fairgoers. Scrotegrabber, being a small town opportunist, quickly grabbed a box of crayons from a small child, tore off his shirt and made a banner reading "Kick the Fat-Ass clown to death - 25 cents". Within moments Scrotegrabber was raking in so much money the state fair police whisked him and his bags earnings to safety from potential ne’er-do-wells.
The fair police then returned to the scene and drug the lifeless body of the clown as well as the headless corpse of Snivvelbottom off the street and behind the "Ye Olde Mill attraction" and propped them up in the sun.
"As ruckuses go..., commented Fair Commissioner Ron Goatshead "this one seemed to be one of the crowd’s favorites this year!"
It was later on that day that newly made millionaire John Scrotegrabber was found penniless, and unconscious leaning against a dumpster behind the state fair police office, and also propped up in the sun.
See what you missed at the fair today!
The lifeless body of CTW's "Elmo" lay on a Blue Bunny Ice Cream Bucket after it was retrieved from an 8 foot hole near the Grandstand.Wednesday, September 2, 2009
STATE FAIR QUICK-KWIP
"Banana?...Banana? What the hell are you talkin' about, this is...OH CRAP! Where the Hell did I leave my Baby!STATE FAIR QUIK-KWIP
"...Of Coarse, I'm Screwing You! You just Paid nearly $3.00 for some 'frickin confectionaires sugar and water spun on a recycled paper cone! It's the State Fair, Asshole! Deal With It!"WOMAN SLAIN BY FAKE SPIDERMAN AT FAIR
2 Die at Fair After Hero Debacle
Local Teen Ron Passumgas moments before the attack
"It happened so quickly that no one was aware that the publicity stunt designed to amuse had just turned into a carnival of carnage!" said Jerry Skizak from Zumbrota, Minnesota, a self proclaimed literary genius. However even though Jerry is a plain community simpleton, he was correct in the fact that this stunt had gone amazingly wrong.
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
It started when Paul Ragsear of Royal American shows convinced local Bloomington teen Ron Passumgas to don a Spiderman suit and greet small children as they entered the Kidway area of the fair "What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?" said Ragsear...He was unfortunately about to find out. Unbeknownst to Ragsear, the teen he had hired for the stunt was high on crack and would do anything for money for another fix, including dress up as Spiderman. Unfortunately it seemed that Passumgas was not able to determine where reality ended and his new gig began. Moments after donning the cheap latex Spiderman suit from Mexico, Passumgas started to approach small children as they entered the Kidway. It was quickly noticed that something was amiss with this set up, when after only 5 minutes on the job, Passumgas was starting to shake small children vigorously and demanding their money. "I sees 'dis guy shaking 'dese kids so hard 'dat 'dere teeth neerly come flyin' out a 'dere hade!" sputtered a homeless vagrant living underneath the grandstand. "I go tell a policeman, but he just bust me in the chops with a bright pink yardstick!, and laugh!"
Apparently the Evil-Spiderman all of a sudden leapt up into a tree and started crowing like a rooster and singing "God Save the Queen!" which attracted Melva and Penelope Fusslebottom of Dungbucket England, who happen to be passing by at the time. "Young Man?...Young Man?! spoke Melva Fusslebottom" You are creating quite a ruckus, I say, do all American Superheroes behave in such a manner?!" At which the Spiderman leapt from the tree, and attacked Penelope Fusslebottom. Now singing "Ten Little Indians", the fake superhero started punching Penelope Fusslebottom furiously in the face. Melva, unsure what to do in accordance to American Etiquette, Pushed her way into the scuffle and kicked Passumgas in the crotch, thus rupturing his scrotum. Within Moments hordes of 13 striped ground squirrels appeared and started ripping and chewing at the Spiderman writhing on the ground, reducing him to a pile of ripped fabric and bone. "It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed!" cried Grier Gatzonski of Sleepy Eye, Mn. "I LOVED IT!".
Unfortunately, since the carnivorous Ground squirrels had now tasted blood, they craved more and started attacking small children through out the Kidway. "I did not know what else to do" said the severely beaten Melva Fusslebottom, as she pulled a midsize flamethrower from her handbag. Within moments several children were set ablaze as the confused Brit sprayed flames at all those around her. "Glorious! Glorious! Melva cried moments before she accidentally caught her own white Gabardine Coat ablaze, which went up in flames like a dry kindling.
"I sees dis here gal all on fire, ya' know, so I says to myself, I best be puttin' her out before she hurts someone" spoke Bob Peterson of White Bear, MN. "So I goes over to her and shoves her into 'dat nearby Bridgeman's Ice Cream stand, ya know." Fortunately, Paul Speckenmeister, of Fridley, who was working in the Ice Cream booth at the time, was in the process of making the world's largest "Lalapalooza Sundae" and it immediately extinguished the flames , but not before the heat had melted the Gabardine coat to Melva's body. As two people tried to assist Melva she spoke of how beautiful were the paper posies of the coffee can, and died. The people helping her then dropped her corpse to the ground, and walked away. Two state fair police patrols came by and drug the lifeless Brit into the sun.
The remaining people in the Kidway were all treated for minor burns, and given free day passes to the 2003 Renaissance faire in Shakopee, along with a souvenir cup of warm root beer, and escorted to some makeshift benches and cots in the sun.
See What You missed at the fair today!
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