Vanderstipf flogs posters at his fake souvenir stand at the fair
Death was one of the first patrons of the 2011 Minnesota State Fair. Within 4 minutes of the official opening time of the main gate, Howard Vanderstipf of Montgomery, Minnesota was pronounced dead by the Minnesota State Fair Police. Apparently, Vanderstipf, a local Con man of sorts in the Minnesota River Valley area, was flogging “discount tickets”, coupons and “official” state fair posters from his port-a-kiosk on Cosgrove Street, near the Education Building. An altercation arose when Ronald Swillington of Roseville, Mn. purchased an “official poster” of the 2011 Minnesota state fair. After briefly stepping away from the kiosk, Swillington unsealed his “poster” to assure that he had received the correct item and was shocked to discover that his “poster” was merely a paper towel from the nearby men’s room, that Vanderstipf had blown his nose on. Swillington turned back to the kiosk and waved the towel in Vanderstipf’s face , demanding a refund! “’Dis is ‘da state fair, buddy…’what ‘da hell did ya’ expect…a F**kin’ Picasso!” retorted Vanderstipf. Irrate Swillington, grabbed Vanderstipf by the shirt and slammed his face into the Formica desktop of his kiosk cart. “What ‘da F**K do ya t’ink you’re doin!” screamed Vanderstipf, and hauled out a brass monkey on a stick from beneath the cart. Swirling the monkey above his head, Vanderstipf, struck Swillington in the shoulder. The brass monkey ricocheted off Swillington’s arm and the tether cord quickly wrapped around Judy Kilochky of Belle Plaine, MN neck who just happened to be passing by at the time. Swillington grabbed a pirate flag from a small child who was walking by and shoved the stick into Vanderstipf’s right eye. Vanderstipf, screamed and doubled over, hitting his own face on the kiosk counter top and shoving the flagstaff deep into his brain. Vanderstipf, then began shouting unintelligible gibberish and spitting blood while flailing about his kiosk. Nancy Parsnipian, a local St. Paul woman, ran to aid Vanderstipf; but decided to just steal his wallet instead and kick the con man into the crotch. As Parsnipian tried to escape the donnybrook she tripped over Kilochky’s leg and struck her head on the flailing brass monkey still wrapped around Kilochky’s neck. “Bitch!” choked out Kilochky, and grabbed a knife from the unconscious Parsnipian’s sock and cut the cord of the monkey on a stick from her throat. Gasping for breath, Kilochky reached for something to steady herself, accidentally shoving the dazed Vanderstipf headfirst into a fire hydrant painted like Fairchild the Gopher. Vanderstipf’s skull split open like an over ripe tomato, and Vanderstipf collapsed on the hot asphalt. For no apparent reason, Ronald Swillington , let out a shrieking Comanche scream, and began scooping up Vanderstip’s grey matter and flinging it into the crowd. Swillington was subdued by the Minnesota State Fair Police, with a stun gun, and removed from the scene. Kilochky was questioned and released, whereupon she strode over to the convalescing Parsnipian and freely vomited all over the woman’s shoes. Parsnipian, was charged with 1 count of robbery and escorted to the state fair police department jail/dunking booth. Vanderstipf’s body was drug behind the home improvement building and left in the sun. Vanderstipf’s Kiosk was wheeled onto Snelling Avenue where it was immediately commandeered by local tuffs and turned into a fake insurance sales booth at the south gate at the fair.
See what you missed at Day one of the Fair today??!!!!!
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