3 Killed at Minnesota State Fair from Tainted Water

Dateline: Friday August 26 2011

Bad Water Flows Freely at Fair

Carla Grossenrude flogs her water down Dan Patch Ave at the Minnesota State fair

In a bizarre turn of events, 3 Minnesota State Fair patrons died yesterday all linked in some manner to the tainted water they received. Little Amanda Kissamyass from Rothsay, Minnesota was the first to fall prey to what some call a shameless and thoughtless prank gone awry. Steven Kissamyass purchased a bottle of “water” from street vendor Carla Grossenrude of Fridley, Minnesota. He gave the bottle of water to his daughter, who soon after started choking and turning several shades of gray. “I thought it was one of ‘dem street acts ‘day have here at ‘da fair” commented a toothless local man of color. “She looked like ‘dat girl in Willie Wonka, after she started turnin’ into a superball or whatever…I can’tz remember ‘da film to well as I was on dope at ‘da time.” As Little Amanda started to collapse onto the hot pavement, Charles Babinski, a local bratwurst on a stick vendor, ran up to her and threw a tub of sauerkraut on the child. “It is the only way to cast out such a demon” cried Babinski, who then began chanting and flatulating profusely around the child. Steven Kissamyass shoved Babinski away from the child, and into the street where he was immediately crushed by a small demonstration being played out by the Antique Steamroller Collectors Club from LeSeur, MN. “Can any one help my daughter??!” Cried Kissamyass. To which a large bearded man known as Sahib Mazlak of Northeast Minneapolis said “I Help Child.” Whereupon he grabbed the little Amanda, and with a mighty heft, threw her high into a nearby tree , approximately 35 feet in the air. “How the hell is that going to help her? Screamed Steven Kissamyass. Mazlak replied “Higher she is…closer to God! She die now…in peace!” Moments later 3 small boys were seen throwing food at the treed child, who was squirming in agony on a branch, which soon gave way causing little Amanda to come crashing down on top of the 3 boys, paralyzing 2 of them and killing the third. Little Amanda crawled over to the street where she delicately vomited into the storm drain. Within Moments after her upheaval, little Amanda started to regain color, however within seconds lost all of her hair in a clump. The state fair police arrived at the scene approximately 35 minutes later, and hauled the dead boy and remains of Babinski away and into a nice sunny spot behind “Ye Olde Mill”. It was later discovered that the water purchased from the street vendor, Grossenrude, was not water at all, but rather urine that Carla had been saving in bottles for years; pondering how she should dispose of it. “When asked why she didn’t use standard bathroom facilities, Grossenrude replied “Waste Not…Want not… I have sold 9 cases of this today! Liquid GOLD!” Hours later Grossenrude was found knifed in the eye, and laying in the sun behind “Ye Olde Mill”.

See What you missed at the fair today.