3 Killed at Minnesota State Fair from Tainted Water

Dateline: Friday August 26 2011

Bad Water Flows Freely at Fair

Carla Grossenrude flogs her water down Dan Patch Ave at the Minnesota State fair

In a bizarre turn of events, 3 Minnesota State Fair patrons died yesterday all linked in some manner to the tainted water they received. Little Amanda Kissamyass from Rothsay, Minnesota was the first to fall prey to what some call a shameless and thoughtless prank gone awry. Steven Kissamyass purchased a bottle of “water” from street vendor Carla Grossenrude of Fridley, Minnesota. He gave the bottle of water to his daughter, who soon after started choking and turning several shades of gray. “I thought it was one of ‘dem street acts ‘day have here at ‘da fair” commented a toothless local man of color. “She looked like ‘dat girl in Willie Wonka, after she started turnin’ into a superball or whatever…I can’tz remember ‘da film to well as I was on dope at ‘da time.” As Little Amanda started to collapse onto the hot pavement, Charles Babinski, a local bratwurst on a stick vendor, ran up to her and threw a tub of sauerkraut on the child. “It is the only way to cast out such a demon” cried Babinski, who then began chanting and flatulating profusely around the child. Steven Kissamyass shoved Babinski away from the child, and into the street where he was immediately crushed by a small demonstration being played out by the Antique Steamroller Collectors Club from LeSeur, MN. “Can any one help my daughter??!” Cried Kissamyass. To which a large bearded man known as Sahib Mazlak of Northeast Minneapolis said “I Help Child.” Whereupon he grabbed the little Amanda, and with a mighty heft, threw her high into a nearby tree , approximately 35 feet in the air. “How the hell is that going to help her? Screamed Steven Kissamyass. Mazlak replied “Higher she is…closer to God! She die now…in peace!” Moments later 3 small boys were seen throwing food at the treed child, who was squirming in agony on a branch, which soon gave way causing little Amanda to come crashing down on top of the 3 boys, paralyzing 2 of them and killing the third. Little Amanda crawled over to the street where she delicately vomited into the storm drain. Within Moments after her upheaval, little Amanda started to regain color, however within seconds lost all of her hair in a clump. The state fair police arrived at the scene approximately 35 minutes later, and hauled the dead boy and remains of Babinski away and into a nice sunny spot behind “Ye Olde Mill”. It was later discovered that the water purchased from the street vendor, Grossenrude, was not water at all, but rather urine that Carla had been saving in bottles for years; pondering how she should dispose of it. “When asked why she didn’t use standard bathroom facilities, Grossenrude replied “Waste Not…Want not… I have sold 9 cases of this today! Liquid GOLD!” Hours later Grossenrude was found knifed in the eye, and laying in the sun behind “Ye Olde Mill”.

See What you missed at the fair today.

Local Con Man Beaten To Death On Opening Day of the Minnesota State Fair

Dateline: Thursday August 25, 2011

Vanderstipf flogs posters at his fake souvenir stand at the fair


Death was one of the first patrons of the 2011 Minnesota State Fair. Within 4 minutes of the official opening time of the main gate, Howard Vanderstipf of Montgomery, Minnesota was pronounced dead by the Minnesota State Fair Police. Apparently, Vanderstipf, a local Con man of sorts in the Minnesota River Valley area, was flogging “discount tickets”, coupons and “official” state fair posters from his port-a-kiosk on Cosgrove Street, near the Education Building. An altercation arose when Ronald Swillington of Roseville, Mn. purchased an “official poster” of the 2011 Minnesota state fair. After briefly stepping away from the kiosk, Swillington unsealed his “poster” to assure that he had received the correct item and was shocked to discover that his “poster” was merely a paper towel from the nearby men’s room, that Vanderstipf had blown his nose on. Swillington turned back to the kiosk and waved the towel in Vanderstipf’s face , demanding a refund! “’Dis is ‘da state fair, buddy…’what ‘da hell did ya’ expect…a F**kin’ Picasso!” retorted Vanderstipf. Irrate Swillington, grabbed Vanderstipf by the shirt and slammed his face into the Formica desktop of his kiosk cart. “What ‘da F**K do ya t’ink you’re doin!” screamed Vanderstipf, and hauled out a brass monkey on a stick from beneath the cart. Swirling the monkey above his head, Vanderstipf, struck Swillington in the shoulder. The brass monkey ricocheted off Swillington’s arm and the tether cord quickly wrapped around Judy Kilochky of Belle Plaine, MN neck who just happened to be passing by at the time. Swillington grabbed a pirate flag from a small child who was walking by and shoved the stick into Vanderstipf’s right eye. Vanderstipf, screamed and doubled over, hitting his own face on the kiosk counter top and shoving the flagstaff deep into his brain. Vanderstipf, then began shouting unintelligible gibberish and spitting blood while flailing about his kiosk. Nancy Parsnipian, a local St. Paul woman, ran to aid Vanderstipf; but decided to just steal his wallet instead and kick the con man into the crotch. As Parsnipian tried to escape the donnybrook she tripped over Kilochky’s leg and struck her head on the flailing brass monkey still wrapped around Kilochky’s neck. “Bitch!” choked out Kilochky, and grabbed a knife from the unconscious Parsnipian’s sock and cut the cord of the monkey on a stick from her throat. Gasping for breath, Kilochky reached for something to steady herself, accidentally shoving the dazed Vanderstipf headfirst into a fire hydrant painted like Fairchild the Gopher. Vanderstipf’s skull split open like an over ripe tomato, and Vanderstipf collapsed on the hot asphalt. For no apparent reason, Ronald Swillington , let out a shrieking Comanche scream, and began scooping up Vanderstip’s grey matter and flinging it into the crowd. Swillington was subdued by the Minnesota State Fair Police, with a stun gun, and removed from the scene. Kilochky was questioned and released, whereupon she strode over to the convalescing Parsnipian and freely vomited all over the woman’s shoes. Parsnipian, was charged with 1 count of robbery and escorted to the state fair police department jail/dunking booth. Vanderstipf’s body was drug behind the home improvement building and left in the sun. Vanderstipf’s Kiosk was wheeled onto Snelling Avenue where it was immediately commandeered by local tuffs and turned into a fake insurance sales booth at the south gate at the fair.

See what you missed at Day one of the Fair today??!!!!!