5 Die At Minnesota State Fair: Mascot Killed

Dateline: Saturday August 27, 2011

Frederick Frog Mascot Killed At Fair

Frederick Frog meets his demise from miscreant children at the fair

In another strange day of death at the fair this year, longtime mascot of Mikes Milkshakes "Frederick Frog" was killed today in a bizarre attack by troubled children. It appears that "Frederick , was just in the wrong place at the wrong time" Mike Stranglaski, local homophobe and owner of "Mike's Milkshakes" commented. "He was a nice guy, albeit he was a card carrying, Oscar Wilde Reading, Barbra Striesand ticket holding, 2 snap popping, Friend of Dorothy...but still a nice guy". According to an eyewitness, Frederick Frog had just started his shift of strolling along Carnes avenue handing out tickets for buy 1 milkshake get a free TB test. Unknown to Frederick, their was a misprint on the coupon which read..."get a free TV." A group of small children from " Heathens of Northern Minnesota", each received a coupon and immediately raced to the stand to get their milkshake and TV. When they were informed of the error, one child (Ron Stagernack, age 12) brandishing a smoldering soldering iron, wrapped bunting from the stand around it and began swinging a now flaming torch. "I saw 'dis kid set fire to 'da Milkskake Stan' 'an 'den raced towards 'dat frog guy...'den I peed myself an' passed out!" reported local St.Paul resident and nuisance Jeffrey Jackson. While several of the children started feeding the flames of the fire with garbage from trash containers and grease siphoned from the nearby "Tom Thumb Donuts" stand, Ron Stagernack, Shivved Freddy in the Spleen with the smoldering iron "screaming "I want my F**king TV, You Amphibious FREAK!" Stagernack then accidentally tripped himself up on the dangling cord of the soldering iron and launched head first into a cement drinking fountain. Stagernak stumbled to his feet and started spouting gibberish and walking in circles backwards like a crab on a hot beach. As Freddy started gimping his way to safety, an unknown man in a suit made of used razor blades, pushed Freddy into the street and screamed "My mouth is full of sores!", whereupon he repeatedly kicked Freddy in the head. Not paying attention to his surroundings, the man tripped over the crab-walking Stagernack and cut himself to ribbons on his own suit. Screaming in pain, the unknown man scrabbled to his feet only to meet a deranged man dressed as a cat clutching a bread knife who then grabbed the man and cut out his tongue and raced into the crowd yelling "Cat got your tongue, Cat got your tongue!". The deranged "Cat-man" was then struck by a car as he tried to cross Snelling Avenue, and was killed instantly. Meanwhile, the babbling Stagernack was staggering aimlessly around Mike's burning Milkshake stand, when his shoes caught fire and soon spread to the rest of him. Still crawling like a crab, Stagernack rolled over to the nearby Tom Thumb Donut stand and within moments set it ablaze as well. Stagernack was screaming as the employees of The Donut stand tried to put him out, but accidentally poured Hot Donut grease all over him causing flames to engulf the entire stand as well as Stagernack. The remaining children raced from the scene and mingled in with a ballet troop of heavy metal rockers called "GONADS". The rockers grabbed the children and strapped them together with duct tape, forming a large ball. "Let's play Shi**in' Beach ball cried one of the rockers and shoved the ball of children into the street, where upon another rocker quickly grabbed a plank from the demolished Milkshake stand ,placed it over a garbage can and leapt on the end launching the child ball high into the air. "Fu**ing, Cool!" cried one of the rockers, and then aspirated on his own vomit and dropped dead in the street. Moments later, the "child-ball" came crashing down onto the street, killing the three children. By this time, the State fair Police arrived on the scene, and quickly started gathering up the bodies while singing polka favorites. Several of the bodies were drug onto a nearby grassy knoll, and laid out in the sun.

Frederick Frog was raced to nearby St.Paul Ramsey Hospital, where ironically, he was confused with a load of Tuberculosis infected laundry and incinerated.

See what you missed at the fair today!

Two of the children involved in the melee on the nearby grassy knoll

3 Killed at Minnesota State Fair from Tainted Water

Dateline: Friday August 26 2011

Bad Water Flows Freely at Fair

Carla Grossenrude flogs her water down Dan Patch Ave at the Minnesota State fair

In a bizarre turn of events, 3 Minnesota State Fair patrons died yesterday all linked in some manner to the tainted water they received. Little Amanda Kissamyass from Rothsay, Minnesota was the first to fall prey to what some call a shameless and thoughtless prank gone awry. Steven Kissamyass purchased a bottle of “water” from street vendor Carla Grossenrude of Fridley, Minnesota. He gave the bottle of water to his daughter, who soon after started choking and turning several shades of gray. “I thought it was one of ‘dem street acts ‘day have here at ‘da fair” commented a toothless local man of color. “She looked like ‘dat girl in Willie Wonka, after she started turnin’ into a superball or whatever…I can’tz remember ‘da film to well as I was on dope at ‘da time.” As Little Amanda started to collapse onto the hot pavement, Charles Babinski, a local bratwurst on a stick vendor, ran up to her and threw a tub of sauerkraut on the child. “It is the only way to cast out such a demon” cried Babinski, who then began chanting and flatulating profusely around the child. Steven Kissamyass shoved Babinski away from the child, and into the street where he was immediately crushed by a small demonstration being played out by the Antique Steamroller Collectors Club from LeSeur, MN. “Can any one help my daughter??!” Cried Kissamyass. To which a large bearded man known as Sahib Mazlak of Northeast Minneapolis said “I Help Child.” Whereupon he grabbed the little Amanda, and with a mighty heft, threw her high into a nearby tree , approximately 35 feet in the air. “How the hell is that going to help her? Screamed Steven Kissamyass. Mazlak replied “Higher she is…closer to God! She die now…in peace!” Moments later 3 small boys were seen throwing food at the treed child, who was squirming in agony on a branch, which soon gave way causing little Amanda to come crashing down on top of the 3 boys, paralyzing 2 of them and killing the third. Little Amanda crawled over to the street where she delicately vomited into the storm drain. Within Moments after her upheaval, little Amanda started to regain color, however within seconds lost all of her hair in a clump. The state fair police arrived at the scene approximately 35 minutes later, and hauled the dead boy and remains of Babinski away and into a nice sunny spot behind “Ye Olde Mill”. It was later discovered that the water purchased from the street vendor, Grossenrude, was not water at all, but rather urine that Carla had been saving in bottles for years; pondering how she should dispose of it. “When asked why she didn’t use standard bathroom facilities, Grossenrude replied “Waste Not…Want not… I have sold 9 cases of this today! Liquid GOLD!” Hours later Grossenrude was found knifed in the eye, and laying in the sun behind “Ye Olde Mill”.

See What you missed at the fair today.

Local Con Man Beaten To Death On Opening Day of the Minnesota State Fair

Dateline: Thursday August 25, 2011

Vanderstipf flogs posters at his fake souvenir stand at the fair


Death was one of the first patrons of the 2011 Minnesota State Fair. Within 4 minutes of the official opening time of the main gate, Howard Vanderstipf of Montgomery, Minnesota was pronounced dead by the Minnesota State Fair Police. Apparently, Vanderstipf, a local Con man of sorts in the Minnesota River Valley area, was flogging “discount tickets”, coupons and “official” state fair posters from his port-a-kiosk on Cosgrove Street, near the Education Building. An altercation arose when Ronald Swillington of Roseville, Mn. purchased an “official poster” of the 2011 Minnesota state fair. After briefly stepping away from the kiosk, Swillington unsealed his “poster” to assure that he had received the correct item and was shocked to discover that his “poster” was merely a paper towel from the nearby men’s room, that Vanderstipf had blown his nose on. Swillington turned back to the kiosk and waved the towel in Vanderstipf’s face , demanding a refund! “’Dis is ‘da state fair, buddy…’what ‘da hell did ya’ expect…a F**kin’ Picasso!” retorted Vanderstipf. Irrate Swillington, grabbed Vanderstipf by the shirt and slammed his face into the Formica desktop of his kiosk cart. “What ‘da F**K do ya t’ink you’re doin!” screamed Vanderstipf, and hauled out a brass monkey on a stick from beneath the cart. Swirling the monkey above his head, Vanderstipf, struck Swillington in the shoulder. The brass monkey ricocheted off Swillington’s arm and the tether cord quickly wrapped around Judy Kilochky of Belle Plaine, MN neck who just happened to be passing by at the time. Swillington grabbed a pirate flag from a small child who was walking by and shoved the stick into Vanderstipf’s right eye. Vanderstipf, screamed and doubled over, hitting his own face on the kiosk counter top and shoving the flagstaff deep into his brain. Vanderstipf, then began shouting unintelligible gibberish and spitting blood while flailing about his kiosk. Nancy Parsnipian, a local St. Paul woman, ran to aid Vanderstipf; but decided to just steal his wallet instead and kick the con man into the crotch. As Parsnipian tried to escape the donnybrook she tripped over Kilochky’s leg and struck her head on the flailing brass monkey still wrapped around Kilochky’s neck. “Bitch!” choked out Kilochky, and grabbed a knife from the unconscious Parsnipian’s sock and cut the cord of the monkey on a stick from her throat. Gasping for breath, Kilochky reached for something to steady herself, accidentally shoving the dazed Vanderstipf headfirst into a fire hydrant painted like Fairchild the Gopher. Vanderstipf’s skull split open like an over ripe tomato, and Vanderstipf collapsed on the hot asphalt. For no apparent reason, Ronald Swillington , let out a shrieking Comanche scream, and began scooping up Vanderstip’s grey matter and flinging it into the crowd. Swillington was subdued by the Minnesota State Fair Police, with a stun gun, and removed from the scene. Kilochky was questioned and released, whereupon she strode over to the convalescing Parsnipian and freely vomited all over the woman’s shoes. Parsnipian, was charged with 1 count of robbery and escorted to the state fair police department jail/dunking booth. Vanderstipf’s body was drug behind the home improvement building and left in the sun. Vanderstipf’s Kiosk was wheeled onto Snelling Avenue where it was immediately commandeered by local tuffs and turned into a fake insurance sales booth at the south gate at the fair.

See what you missed at Day one of the Fair today??!!!!!

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8 DIE IN FREAK CAROUSEL ACCIDENT AT FAIR

Little Dolly Mummenshatz photographed as carousel begins to gain speed

What started as a normal ride at the Minnesota State Fair today, ended in tragedy for 8 fair goers, as the famous Royal American Shows Carousel went awry. Shortly after 2 pm today, the Minnesota state fair carousel was loaded with 48 children, 9 adults, 4 midgets and a robot, for what was assumed to be a normal ride. That was changed quickly by Carnie Dag Thickson of Squeezebutt, Alabama. Thickson, a social malcontent, even amongst carnies, decided that he would get the party started by running the carousel at what most would consider just slightly faster than average speed, but after two minutes into the ride; about the time it usually ceases, Thickson forced his spoiled deviled ham sandwich into the gear box of the attraction, followed by

the all butter bust of "Princess Kay of the Milky Way", which he had stolen earlier, creating a nearly frictionless surface amongst the mechanics, and violently turning the carousel into a high speed centrifuge of carnage.

"It was awful!" cried Alma Jones, A vertically challenged crippled black woman. "I hears all these chillun' screamin' and I looks toward the merry go roun' and see about 4 of 'dem fly off and into the pavement. Lawdy, it's a wonder 'dey all didn' die!" She then continued eating her corndog in 2 bites.

Apparently, after the ride had gone haywire, Thickson realized that he was trapped in the middle of the ride and could not escape, realizing this he splashed himself with gasoline, rolled around in loose ine straw and set himself ablaze with his cigarette, laughing meniacly and jumping onto the inner edge of the carousel, from which he was hurled into a nearby group of "Mexicans For the ban of breaded chicken snacks". The mexicans started screaming at Thickson and commenced stabbing him repeatedly as he quickly burned up. The group then tossed the Carnie's lifeless body into an open seat on the Tilt-a-Whirl and cut off his head.

As the Carousel began reaching the speed of 75 miles per hour, 18 other patrons were flung from it, but luckily all landed on either grassy areas, piles of loose garbage, or obese fairgoers.

Little Dolly Mummenshatz of Welcome Minnesota, was screaming and gripping her horse so tightly that she pulled her own arms out of the sockets, thus loosing all grip and was catapulted from the ride into a nearby fat womans chest, knocking her into a Pronto Pup cart, overturning it and setting Mummenshatz, the fat woman, and two unnamed midgets all on fire from the enclosed vat of deep fryer oil. "It was like a fourth of July Bar-B-Que" shouted a local St.Paul resident, who then started choking, asperated on his own vomit and dropped dead.

With the carousel now approaching 80 Miles per hour, a local street mime known as "Tongo", grabbed a nearby water hose and flung it into the whirling calliopi, he then grabbed onto the hose and was immeadiatly sucked into the malay, however the hose was able to get entangled around the merry go round and started to decrease it's speed. Tongo was killed.

State Fair Kwik-Kwip

(The nice thing about Stevie is that he always says "yes" to EVERYTHING, ...He He He)

HEY STEVIE...HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A KNUCKLE SANDWICH??!!??!"

State Fair Kwik-Kwip

"Awwww Geeeeez, Jimmy! Ya' double dipped in ma special sauce after sneezing on that there cheese curd. How the hell am I gonna know what's sauce and what's SNOT??!!"