Little Dolly Mummenshatz photographed as carousel begins to gain speedWhat started as a normal ride at the Minnesota State Fair today, ended in tragedy for 8 fair goers, as the famous Royal American Shows Carousel went awry. Shortly after 2 pm today, the Minnesota state fair carousel was loaded with 48 children, 9 adults, 4 midgets and a robot, for what was assumed to be a normal ride. That was changed quickly by Carnie Dag Thickson of Squeezebutt, Alabama. Thickson, a social malcontent, even amongst carnies, decided that he would get the party started by running the carousel at what most would consider just slightly faster than average speed, but after two minutes into the ride; about the time it usually ceases, Thickson forced his spoiled deviled ham sandwich into the gear box of the attraction, followed by
the all butter bust of "Princess Kay of the Milky Way", which he had stolen earlier, creating a nearly frictionless surface amongst the mechanics, and violently turning the carousel into a high speed centrifuge of carnage.
"It was awful!" cried Alma Jones, A vertically challenged crippled black woman. "I hears all these chillun' screamin' and I looks toward the merry go roun' and see about 4 of 'dem fly off and into the pavement. Lawdy, it's a wonder 'dey all didn' die!" She then continued eating her corndog in 2 bites.
Apparently, after the ride had gone haywire, Thickson realized that he was trapped in the middle of the ride and could not escape, realizing this he splashed himself with gasoline, rolled around in loose ine straw and set himself ablaze with his cigarette, laughing meniacly and jumping onto the inner edge of the carousel, from which he was hurled into a nearby group of "Mexicans For the ban of breaded chicken snacks". The mexicans started screaming at Thickson and commenced stabbing him repeatedly as he quickly burned up. The group then tossed the Carnie's lifeless body into an open seat on the Tilt-a-Whirl and cut off his head.
As the Carousel began reaching the speed of 75 miles per hour, 18 other patrons were flung from it, but luckily all landed on either grassy areas, piles of loose garbage, or obese fairgoers.
Little Dolly Mummenshatz of Welcome Minnesota, was screaming and gripping her horse so tightly that she pulled her own arms out of the sockets, thus loosing all grip and was catapulted from the ride into a nearby fat womans chest, knocking her into a Pronto Pup cart, overturning it and setting Mummenshatz, the fat woman, and two unnamed midgets all on fire from the enclosed vat of deep fryer oil. "It was like a fourth of July Bar-B-Que" shouted a local St.Paul resident, who then started choking, asperated on his own vomit and dropped dead.
With the carousel now approaching 80 Miles per hour, a local street mime known as "Tongo", grabbed a nearby water hose and flung it into the whirling calliopi, he then grabbed onto the hose and was immeadiatly sucked into the malay, however the hose was able to get entangled around the merry go round and started to decrease it's speed. Tongo was killed.
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