Dateline: Saturday August 27, 2011
Frederick Frog meets his demise from miscreant children at the fair
In another strange day of death at the fair this year, longtime mascot of Mikes Milkshakes "Frederick Frog" was killed today in a bizarre attack by troubled children. It appears that "Frederick , was just in the wrong place at the wrong time" Mike Stranglaski, local homophobe and owner of "Mike's Milkshakes" commented. "He was a nice guy, albeit he was a card carrying, Oscar Wilde Reading, Barbra Striesand ticket holding, 2 snap popping, Friend of Dorothy...but still a nice guy". According to an eyewitness, Frederick Frog had just started his shift of strolling along Carnes avenue handing out tickets for buy 1 milkshake get a free TB test. Unknown to Frederick, their was a misprint on the coupon which read..."get a free TV." A group of small children from " Heathens of Northern Minnesota", each received a coupon and immediately raced to the stand to get their milkshake and TV. When they were informed of the error, one child (Ron Stagernack, age 12) brandishing a smoldering soldering iron, wrapped bunting from the stand around it and began swinging a now flaming torch. "I saw 'dis kid set fire to 'da Milkskake Stan' 'an 'den raced towards 'dat frog guy...'den I peed myself an' passed out!" reported local St.Paul resident and nuisance Jeffrey Jackson. While several of the children started feeding the flames of the fire with garbage from trash containers and grease siphoned from the nearby "Tom Thumb Donuts" stand, Ron Stagernack, Shivved Freddy in the Spleen with the smoldering iron "screaming "I want my F**king TV, You Amphibious FREAK!" Stagernack then accidentally tripped himself up on the dangling cord of the soldering iron and launched head first into a cement drinking fountain. Stagernak stumbled to his feet and started spouting gibberish and walking in circles backwards like a crab on a hot beach. As Freddy started gimping his way to safety, an unknown man in a suit made of used razor blades, pushed Freddy into the street and screamed "My mouth is full of sores!", whereupon he repeatedly kicked Freddy in the head. Not paying attention to his surroundings, the man tripped over the crab-walking Stagernack and cut himself to ribbons on his own suit. Screaming in pain, the unknown man scrabbled to his feet only to meet a deranged man dressed as a cat clutching a bread knife who then grabbed the man and cut out his tongue and raced into the crowd yelling "Cat got your tongue, Cat got your tongue!". The deranged "Cat-man" was then struck by a car as he tried to cross Snelling Avenue, and was killed instantly. Meanwhile, the babbling Stagernack was staggering aimlessly around Mike's burning Milkshake stand, when his shoes caught fire and soon spread to the rest of him. Still crawling like a crab, Stagernack rolled over to the nearby Tom Thumb Donut stand and within moments set it ablaze as well. Stagernack was screaming as the employees of The Donut stand tried to put him out, but accidentally poured Hot Donut grease all over him causing flames to engulf the entire stand as well as Stagernack. The remaining children raced from the scene and mingled in with a ballet troop of heavy metal rockers called "GONADS". The rockers grabbed the children and strapped them together with duct tape, forming a large ball. "Let's play Shi**in' Beach ball cried one of the rockers and shoved the ball of children into the street, where upon another rocker quickly grabbed a plank from the demolished Milkshake stand ,placed it over a garbage can and leapt on the end launching the child ball high into the air. "Fu**ing, Cool!" cried one of the rockers, and then aspirated on his own vomit and dropped dead in the street. Moments later, the "child-ball" came crashing down onto the street, killing the three children. By this time, the State fair Police arrived on the scene, and quickly started gathering up the bodies while singing polka favorites. Several of the bodies were drug onto a nearby grassy knoll, and laid out in the sun.
Frederick Frog was raced to nearby St.Paul Ramsey Hospital, where ironically, he was confused with a load of Tuberculosis infected laundry and incinerated.
See what you missed at the fair today!
Two of the children involved in the melee on the nearby grassy knoll
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